Could be too soon to call it, but I think the fun is finally over. Don't want to go into details.  We don't even need the details. I can wipe my hands clean of it hopefully and be sad forever.

Because I am sad.

Not at the loss necessarily but at the fact that I have to go back to just being... sad, I guess. It was easy to forget the sadness when there was distraction from it. Though it made me more sad in its own way.  So... what do I do now? 

I realize I rely on all the wrong things for happiness, and that is exactly why I am rarely happy. I have tried filling the void with "retail therapy/"online shopping... drinking... staying busy. I'm just burnt-out on all of it. 

Subconsciously,  it is weighing heavy on me right now. But that's because the one direction i feel I have to turn is not inviting. It does not feel welcoming or warm or safe. It also, time and time and time again,  makes me sad.

And like my last ~revelation~: I can only blame myself.  

You know how we look back at our internet presence from high school? Or even middle school? Well, I'm embarrassed of the way I saw things even just 3 years ago. I was reading old posts here, and I know I was just working through some things,  but I don't like the weird victim mentality I had. I'm not a victim in most of my past relationships. I'm sure I hurt them as much as they hurt me... many I'm sure I did more damage than they.  Usually in the cold way I leave in the end. But I'm realizing more and more how mean I can actually be. It happens because of how excessively I bottle things up until it ferments into resentment. That resentment comes out hotter than steam sometimes. And all of that is all my fault.  

Mama, You've Been on My Mind

So I had, once again, been thinking of David a lot. I don't know why that happens.  I guess a lot of things remind me of him.  I still use some of his mannerisms I had adopted from when we were together.  I still quote inside jokes in my head.  I constantly see cute or funny memes that I know he would like.  

So I'd like to reiterate just how much I regret dating him.  

It was the worst thing we could have done in my opinion. We had a good thing going before we went and messed it all up with the complications of romantic love. I'll be honest,  I never felt the romance if there was any.  The love was there though.  For him, he thinks it's still there,  but I think he is unable to distinguish it from hate in this case.  Because to me,  it certainly feels hateful. It's fine because I deserve it. I deserve it for roping him back into my uncertainty that second time around.  I think I regret that, too.

So he popped up in one of my Facebook memories a few weeks ago. What a coincidence since he had been on my mind, right? I decided to creep and see how he's been.  His profile was not and never has been very telling. His last post was in June, and it was the song,  "Mama, You've Been on my Mind" by Jeff Buckley. I simply "liked" the post and moved on.  

I knew he would see it. I never assumed the song was directed at me or anything.  Just coincidence... again. He messaged me the next morning asking why I did that.  I gave him a simple answer. He got angry because it was not the answer he was hoping for? Because he went off on me and ended with, "grow the fuck up." So,  I did, and I blocked him.

He was right.  If I'm going to "grow up," I have to move on. He said I never took his advice. Well, I finally did.  I hope he takes his own advice and uses this as an opportunity to grow up himself and move on from me. It's the best thing for both of us. I trust he will take good care of Toga, and I wish him all the best.  Sincerely.

Limbo

The reality of it all is starting to sink in more.  I realize I can likely not move forward with either option.  The one with the history leaves me riddled with doubts.  I am almost certain I can't be happy in the future unless a loooot of things change.  Who am I to wish for change? That's not how to properly love.

I can't move forward with the other option as this whole thing has gone on too long,  and it would become obvious to either the one person or to everyone else.  

And I sit here and think I have options. I will remain in limbo until both choices fall away.  I will lose them both as I deserve. No one gets to have it all. No one deserves any of this. 

I'll just continue to work myself to death to avoid everything else. 

in spite of ourselves...

Has he ever made any decisions that involved me? No. All of his big decisions are in spite of me. For someone who wants to talk about marriage a lot, he clearly doesn't understand what it means to include someone in your life on that level. 

It just pushed me further away. 

And I was already pretty far away. 

Of course,  my decisions lately have also been in spite of him. And sometimes to spite him... I know I should end it, but I'm a coward who avoids conflict at all costs, and it takes a long time to build up to that. The distancing, as shameful as it is, will soften the blow. 

We had plans to hang out this coming weekend because I'm off work for the first time in a very long time. But he took on a side project, it seems, and said he will be using Saturday and Sunday to work on it. So, I guess I won't be driving down there to see him, which is fine because I don't want to hang out with his mother. I have made other plans for the weekend with people who actually want to spend time with me. And I am making an effort to be more present with those who actually want to be present with me.