Manic Pixie Nightmare

Is there a such thing as temporary BPD? I feel manic lately. But not happy. Just sporadic... energetic and erratic. Talking a lot and too fast. Singing and dancing. 

But not happy.

There is no happiness behind it. And the crash goes deep. 

I don't think I have any kind of real mental issues. It's just a temporary phase that is taking too long to go away. 

Right?

Everyone gets highs and lows. It's human. It's normal. But I just haven't felt normal for a long time.

Sacred Language

He says all the right things.

I don't trust someone who says all the right things.

He picks up on things I've never told him. Like personality quirks. It's strange. 

I wonder what the catch is.

You mean nothing to me.  Not a God damn thing.  It's a cruel fucking joke to make it where I can't move on due to a historic worldwide pandemic.  I hate everything.  

What am I supposed to fucking do?

I feel like I'm going to be stuck like this forever...

And I want to die.

(EDIT: yooo I was SAD DRUNK when I wrote this. I have never gotten that sad when drunk before. Usually it mellows me out... 

Rough night, I suppose).

Did you mean it when you said I was pretty?

But what about after?

While I am satisfied with "for now," I'm unsure how I feel about "after."

After all of this is said and done, if this discontinues, will it feel as is if it were a waste of time? It's certainly taking up A LOT of my time. Best case scenario,  there will be an after. And this will continue and carry over into the real world... when it starts spinning again. But even if it doesn't, I don't think it is a waste of time. 

He has done exactly that: kept my spirits high. Lifted them out of the grave that I had buried them. I guess if we never meet, I'll be a little disappointed.  A little bummed. But his timing was impeccable, and, emotionally,  I am fully functional again.  It's not all thanks to him,  but he definitely helped expedite it.  So, he may just be one of those "reasons" but that is yet to be determined. 

It's been one month. Feels like sooo much longer, like, at least 3 months.  But,  it's been one month, and this is me we are talking about,  so you know what that means:

I've been talking to this new guy. 

I started it as a distraction,  and it still is one.  We have not met and have no intentions to for the near, foreseeable future. But he is a VERY good distraction. 

And I am VERY good at finding information on people.  His phone number allowed me to find out his full name and current address. I couldn't find him on social media under his full name or any possible nickname combination I could think of,  so I gave up after that roadblock.

Then, yesterday,  he sent me a screenshot from instagram. After a lot of digging, I found his Instagram, his alias, and the movie that he directed and has out on Netflix. 

He has told me nothing about this movie.  He told me he likes to write... but now I understand that he writes screenplays, I guess. I have never seen the movie,  and I'd feel weird watching it now. I am quite intrigued though.

I really only dug so deep because I am suspicious of him.  I know we are in a pandemic,  but he has initiated no progressing in our "relationship." Just says things like "sucks we can't go to a bar" or something.  I honestly thought he could be a catfish at first (because in my opinion he is too attractive to be into someone like me). But he proved he wasn't a catfish for me (I made him prove it so I could check that suspicion off my list). So,  I don't know what his deal is.  But I feel better knowing all this stuff about him knowing he doesn't know. 

After the investigation, it seems everything he has told me about himself checks out. 

So,  right now my best guess, based on context clues, is that he lives with his dad and doesn't want me to know.  And perhaps he is balding and embarrassed about it (he always has a hat on, though, somewhat recent pictures on social media that I creeped show a head full of hair).

I'm not super worried about it right now.  I just wish I knew his intentions for all of this so I knew how to comfortably proceed.  I don't know how much to tell him, so to play it safe, I haven't said much.  Right now I'm happy with the distraction of flirtatious "pen pal." Though,  the longer this goes on,  the more I do grow to wanting to meet him.  I'm only going to let him make that call though.

Maybe nothing at all will come of any of this.  I'm actually making myself believe this will be the outcome. We'll see. 

He's very attractive and funny, and it makes me happy that he talks to me all day everyday.  That's all that matters right now. 

All that said, Lane will message me on FB eeeeevery now and then with some seemingly harmless thing that he'll think I will like. And I kinda wish he wouldn't. I think maybe he feels bad about things,  but what am I supposed to do with that? I now understand the exes I have left who deleted my number and removed me from their social medias. I don't want to be Lane's friend. Not right now at least.

I have always tried to remain friends with my exes because I can usually  compartmentalize the past feelings,  but I completely see now how that is wrong. They didn't want to keep hearing from me (although,  I would give it way more time before reaching out). 

My feelings for Lane, all the good ones, are almost gone now.  I feel mostly neutral/numb about it with just a little resentment. I don't miss him anymore.  Thanks to the distraction,  I barely think of him anymore.  I think this is good. I think it's healthy.  I am moving on.