Alcoholism

Here's where I'm at right now.

I've got one foot out the door with my job. I've updated my resume and saved a bunch of job listings but can't seem to bite the bullet and apply (I applied to only one).

I feel like they need me.... Not the company (fuck 'em!), But my coworkers... Maybe they don't tho.

My relationship fluctuates. It gets rocky and then it's good again. That's normal. He seems to think things are "better" when I don't though.

I've received a sort of heartfelt "choose me or him" from David. I mean, romantically, I choose Lane. I'm still pretty into him, despite the things that upset me. And I know he isn't trying to make me choose, but he just needed me to know how he feels.

I've hung out with him a couple times lately... At concerts. The things I wish he'd have done when we were together. I still respect David immensely. I want his opinion on things. But I just can't uproot what I have. And I hate that he can't move on from the feelings, but I completely get it.

So my body hurts and my mind is haunted. I cope by drinking a lot of alcohol. I drink almost everyday. I take Benadryl to put me to sleep since I can't always do it on my own.

It's just one of those days.

Circle

My car has been undrivable for weeks (again). I'm in a dead end job that I dread going to and don't get paid enough. I've purposely distanced myself from boyfriend who is unaware but feels things have been "better" lately which makes me feel like total shit. My recent ex, who had always seemed like a voice of reason, has been popping up lately (because I contact him... Sometimes for logic... Sometimes for just conversation because I'm a sad, lonely loser) and making me question things.

I guess it's getting bad again. It's a cycle and it was bound to come back around.

Excuse me while I burst into flames

I made a mistake by dating David. I made a mistake by having a physical and romantic relationship with him. Not because I regret it (I don't regret it)... But because I miss the friendship more.

Well, I was always able to separate my emotions from my friendships. Like genuine friendships. If there was romantic interest but maintaining the status quo of platonic friendship seemed more logical, I've always been good at not giving into my feels.

I know I say it a lot, and it may be hard to see when I'm living up an SO's butt, but I value friendship so much more than romance or being physical.

It's why I sorta try to maintain friendship with most my exes. But I can always see that they struggle with it. They can't separate their emotions. I don't blame them... I'm usually the one that hurts them by leaving and then my selfish ass tries to waltz back in to their lives but only at arm's length.

And I find myself often wanting to talk to David because I always liked his insight and logic. But what little I talk to him usually results with him holding back for to ~feels~. And that is why I miss what we had before we dated. The feels were there back then, but I suppressed them and it was fine. For me, anyway. Perhaps he was never fine and felt friendzoned. I don't know.

By dating him, I raised him to my unrealistic level of expectations. And he, like everyone else, did not meet them. And it made me unhappy, so I left. As usual. As always. That's how my story cycles again and again and again.

So now we're stuck history. Complications. But I'm not the one with the feels. Not those kind of feels. I don't have the heart to tell him that I'm not physically pining for him. Maybe not emotionally either. I don't want what we had when we dated. I want what we had before that. I really miss what I perceived as a good, honest friendship. I'm not naive enough to think he wasn't ready to get with me at any moment in those days. But he didn't treat me like prey.

I just miss friendship. I miss connection. I miss having someone to talk to. Someone to vent to. I miss not getting upset when my boyfriend wasn't giving me attention because he's all I've got. I miss not feeling so lonely and sad all the time.

Trying to go to sleep but I'm having very distracting palpitations. I feel constricted and dizzy... I was feeling this way earlier at work today. And I've been feeling this way often, almost daily, and usually at work.

I'm breaking down, and it's this god damn job doing it to me. I used to love my job, but it's not feeling worth it to go down with the ship. And it feels like the ship is certainly sinking. I told them if any more people leave and I have to pick up anymore slack than has already been put on me, then I'm out.

I'm having trouble coping and de-stressing.

Can't afford peace of mind

I've been bitchy lately. I don't realize it when I'm doing it, but I'm retrospect, it's pretty mean and uncalled for.

I know it's from the stress. I'm constantly stressed and I haven't found an outlet or a way to cope. I'm taking it out on everyone around me, and they don't deserve it.

It's even slipping out at work, the one place where I NEVER lose my composure.

I just don't know how to handle this.

I've got a bunch of ongoing problems all stacked up. The latest is that I am once again carless. My car needs a new radiator. It's always something with that thing and I've only had it for 6 months. At least Caleb is fixing it for me for free.

Which is immensely helpful considering my money problems are the biggest factor of my stress. I get paid well, but I am truly broke. I have so many bills and debts, that I have no money left after I pay them every month.

That comes with a slew of stresses of not being able to afford gas or food or necessary treatments for my pets or myself.

My animals have somehow gotten fleas despite all having expensive flea collars, and in order to get rid of them, I need to treat the animals, the house, and the yard... All of which requires a large sum of extra money that I can't come up with.

I live in a house that I am grateful to own, but it's constantly dirty and I have next to no help with it despite having other people living in it.

I am one person with a full time job who works 10-12 hour shifts (and being broke with not much to show for it)... I just don't have the energy to clean all the time.

It's like having kids. I feel like I live in a house with a bunch of kids who I clean up after who don't help and don't care.

I've been miserably dealing with this car accident stuff. It took forever to get all my medical records now that my 6 months of treatment are over. And I've got debt collectors calling me over all the medical bills I couldn't keep up with.

I'm just getting by one day at a time... And barely at that.