Do you still love me

"Do you still love me? It's what I worry about because it's the one thing I can't control."

He's trying to get me to open up... But I thought I was already open? He says he is observant and can read people really well. This is true because I've witnessed it plenty. He makes excellent analysis on people that I've never even thought of. Always accurate... He should have gone into psychology.

But he can't read me. I only give him "a little bit" to work with, and he works it into worry.

I genuinely don't know how to open up. My thoughts stop at tongue, and I can't get them out loud. I will look someone in the eye and say exactly how I feel inside my own head, but I physically can't say it. I freeze up and go silent. I've always been this way. It's most apparent when I'm upset.

But I'm not upset... I have very good things to say about him and about us. I've written them all here! And this is where my silence is usually translated. Although I've laid out my complaints here as well, I'm still very much in love with him and want him in every way. I just feel uncomfortable letting certain things like that pass through my lips for some reason. But it's absolutely nothing to write it. I guess I'll have to let him know that somehow...

- - - - -

I've had a pretty emotionally exhausting weekend. It was my one weekend off work this month, and I had things planned. But they did not turn out as planned because I have already been down in the dumps and coming to the realization of just how lonely and friendless I am really took a toll on me. I spent most the weekend in bed.

I can't figure out how to de-stress. I feel a lot of pressure inside me. I'm still pretty sad about life.

I know there are things to be happy about, but I'm already at the bottom of this hole. I'd love to come out of it...

I've got a short fuse lately. I'm taking my pent-up stress out on every minor upset. I've been extra mean to the pets when they get in trouble. I've been snappy with Lane. I've been brutally honest with Caleb. I haven't been pleasant to be around.

I deserve to be alone right now. And I am.

I'm still so incredibly stressed and overwhelmed.

My chest has been hurting more than anything these last few days (even more than my fucked up hand), and I'm unsure if it's from the accident or from the stress or both.

I have to return the rental car on Wednesday. Insurance is counting my car as a total loss and only paying me $2,000 for it. I'm just upset about this because I really only have two options here and I lose with both of them. Option #1: I rush to buy a used car for $2 grand. All the cars that I can buy outright with this little money are old and have high mileage. I'm essentially taking on more problems and it will likely be a money pit. Option #2: I use the money as a down payment for a newer car causing me to take on a car note and another monthly payment to add on top of my already very heavy monthly finances. I absolutely cannot afford even one more monthly bill.

Both options add to my financial strain. Before the accident, I had a car that was fully paid for and ran perfectly fine. Now I am forced into more debt. There is a 3rd option: save the money and hold out for tax returns + the other settlement money for "pain & suffering" to buy a vehicle a little more decent.

But I can't get to work if I do that, and I've already missed enough days and lost too much in wages over all of this.

The more stressed I get the more I want to get a lawyer. I've got the contact info for a couple already. But that stresses me out more because if I sue, it could take a year or more to settle. And I just don't think I have the energy for all that.

This entire situation has worn me down. I'm losing my fight, and I'm sure that's exactly what they want.

Lane is in Arkansas visiting his dad. He went down there to help his dad with some medical appointments and testing and whatnot. But now he is stranded there because his truck won't start and he's been troubleshooting the issue for 2 days with no avail.

If he can't fix it by tomorrow, I'll have to go get him after work.

Then I have to go get another x-ray on my hand on Wednesday and return the rental car.

Then we will both be stranded.

I just really feel like I don't have control of anything right now and it's really taking a toll on me.

On the (dimly lit) bright side, Lane has still been a Godsend through all of this. I miss him like crazy and have been realizing how strongly I feel for him. For the first time in my life, I feel truly loved. I'll go more in detail about that another time. He had just been keeping me grounded.

I can't wait for all of this to blow over so I can get back to my life because right now it's feeling pretty ruined.

I am incredibly stressed and on the verge of a mental breakdown. I am am stranded with no vehicle and no one to help me.

I already HATE asking for help as it is. Lane is out of town. My mom lives 2 hours away. And Caleb has been staying with me but hates helping and doesn't want to and has made it very clear.

They are pressuring me to get a rental car tomorrow with my own money because I'm a helpless, stranded, and dependent piece of shit. And the insurance companies aren't doing anything (they are supposed to supply the rental). I have to go back to work because they pressured me for availability.

I'm tired of being handicapped and having to do everything with one hand. Life is significantly harder with one hand.

I hate everything right now.

Crash

I was involved in a car accident a few days ago. The other party involved was a 16-year-old driver, and it was their fault.

My car is all smashed in and totaled. My hand is fractured. But everyone is at least alive and in one piece. I have never been in a wreck before, and this was a bad one. I mean, airbags deployed, we had to go to the ER, the works... I have no car and have been out of work and I'm overwhelmed with dealing with the police, insurance companies, and medical needs. Honestly, this whole situation has made me majorly depressed.

Lane has been my rock through all of it though. He was driving my car (with me in the passenger seat) when it happened. He has been making most the one calls, dealing with the business, taking care of me, and keeping me grounded.

But he left this morning to go to his dad's in Arkansas. And now that I don't have to pretend to keep it together, I'm not doing well tonight.