Too proud to swallow my pride

I don't know where to place my anger and it's exhausting. I'm worried but not really worried about which outlets to turn to. How's that quote go? " I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."

I know David doesn't realize how much his carelessness affects how I feel about the relationship, so I suspect it will be a huge blow to him if things were to end. But he's also more selfish than he realizes, and, hopefully he learns from all this just as I have.

But I'm stubborn and fucking sick of second chances, so the damage is by far irreparable at this point.

I may be out of this shitty place and this shitty state of mind in a couple weeks.

I'm likely moving back to my dad's soon just to recalibrate.  I hate all of my options, but at least that one won't leave me lying in bed angry every night.

It's going down

Right now I'm trying to go to bed. There are a bunch of people in the house. It's nearly 11pm. David left to go join them and they are being loud as fuck. I hate this. I hate every time. And it's often.

And, as unfair as it is, I resent David for all of this.

I resent him for me living here. For these shitty roommates. For these sleepless nights. For having to give up my other dog whom I love in order to uproot and move here. For living too far from my job and having to deal with the worst traffic.

For nothing ever changing...

I've had a lot on my mind all day. I've been feeling guilty for... Well, the way I feel. But I've also been contemplating how this will all go down when it inevitably all goes down.

Far

I'm moving forward with my plan to get out. Actively. Time and money is already being invested.

I'm pretty set on not moving to the new house with the roommates. I finally found an apartment that will allow my dog. I'm getting out of here as soon as I can.

I'm unsure how this will affect my relationship with David, but, if I'm being honest, I'm not entirely hopeful. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the way things are. Some days I feel guilty for how I feel. Some days I want to make it work. But most days I feel numb to it all.

The other night we had a conversation after he used the word "complacent" in place of "unsatisfied/unhappy/restless" when referring to a friend. I disagreed with his definition in the particular context (which is what ignited the debate). I don't believe complacent can be interchangable with unhappy. I think it just means being comfortable with the status quo. Neither happy nor unhappy; so, unwilling/unmotivated to change anything. And this, I feel, is his attitude toward the relationship. He is comfortable.

I'm not.

I've expressed my complaints with him. I've explained my unhappiness. Maybe not in detail, but at least he knows. And I'm met with apathy. It seems my concerns are simply shrugged off.

If you think I'll "get over it," you're right; I will. But you won't like the way I choose to get over it.

And so I have a lot on my mind.

And so my mind wanders.

Far.

25

I'm 25 now. Nothing is different, of course. Obviously, I don't feel any different.

"In fact, everything is just about the same."

My birthday was a slew of emotions: disappointment, surprise, uncertainty. There was a tinge of thankful. I appreciate those who thought about me...

And, Sam, thanks for throwing me that bone, I guess. But, really, you don't have to talk to me when you don't want to.  I never understood why you ghosted me, but I do understand why you stayed away.

David took me to dinner. My family had a get-together the next day. I blew off a few friends because I just haven't been feeling up for it.

I found an apartment that I can move into with Bear. Now I just need to find a roommate. The expenses will be a struggle, but maybe I'll be happier...

Almost anything would be better than how I'm living now. And at this point, I'm expecting the move to distance the relationship, and I have run out of any energy to save it.

I get so tired of feeling this way.

h a t e

Going to bed angry tonight.

Nothing new.

I happen to be up later than usual. David likes to comment on this because he seems to feel some obligation to hang out with me until I go to sleep. Then he goes downstairs to hang with the guys. This is only a very slight improvement from when I first moved in when he would just hang out with them all the time.

Now, I had a talk with him recently about all this shit that makes me unhappy. He claimed he doesn't even hang out with them when he goes downstairs and if I move to the new house with them, things will be different. I don't believe any of that, not even a little.

I really truly honestly believe nothing I said got through to him. He even told me to talk to him about these things instead of bottling it up.

I'm bottling it so hard that my chest is hurting.

So, tonight I am still awake by midnight when usually I'm asleep before 10am.

This is way too much info and could be left out of this rant, but I was staying up for sex. See, I've been on my period for the last week, and he had wanted it, but not like that... I told him yesterday that I'd be able to today.  Guess he forgot. He forgets everything I tell him. So I was just staying up hanging around trying to be subtle,  but the only thing I got out of him was, "why are you up so late? Did you take a nap today or something?"

And all that means is I am keeping him trapped here in this room when he is getting antsy to go downstairs. That's what it feels like to me anyway.

And you know what? I up and said this to him as soon as it happened. Exactly how it made me feel. You know, instead of bottling it up. He knew immediately that I am angry at him. I told him he didn't have to stay with me and to just go downstairs like he wants. He said he's "just used to the routine," and I don't know if that was supposed to alleviate the situation but it sure as hell did not.

I was so mad that my body started heaving, and I've never experienced that before. It's not anger from just the one incident. It's built-up anger. My chest is still hurting as I write this.

And right now he's down there laughing at cutting up with "the guys" like nothing happened; exactly where he wants to be.

And this is how I'm going to bed.

As many have come before him, I feel this clock ticking, and I have no energy or desire to stop it.

I feel a wedge being driven further and further between us. But I'm sure I'm the only one who feels it. Maybe it's just being driven into me.