Life

Life is going.

Things are happening. Lots of things.

There's something strange going on with my health/body. It's abnormal and concerning enough that I went to the doctor for it... I haven't told anyone, except the doctor, the exact details. I'm waiting on test results, and I'm scared.

I officially "broke up" with Aaron. It was civil. He wasn't a terrible person... Just not the one for me. Also fairly positive he is a psychopath. Just not a malicious or evil one like Jonah.

Now I'm with newboi guilt-free. It's not ideal; but it's better. He's a very nice boy... For now. He's a bit immature, but he's not a piece of shit. He treats me well... For now. He holds me and touches me (non-sexually) very... Tenderly? It's loving. It's something I haven't felt in a long time. Honestly, it terrifies me. It makes my heart rate spike. It brings back bad memories.

I don't think I like it.

And I know that's my problem.

I know what I want

You read that right: I know what I want!

Oh, my god. I'm so used to sitting in limbo that this feels liberating. I'm not there yet, but I know what I have to do to get there. I have to let the appropriate time pass before I can take the next step, just for my own sense of integrity, but it's going to happen.

I am leaving Aaron. I feel so guilty saying that, but it was never going to work out. I want so much more, and he was never going to give me that.

I found someone who will.

Aaron is kind of pretentious and doesn't see people as people, only assets. He hasn't told me this, but this is the assessment I have made. And I've been actively studying this in his presence. He and I just went to Chicago together (I should say more about that, but we all know I don't talk anymore. In short: great city / would love to go back!). We've spent a lot of time in the car together since it's an 8 hour drive (even longer on the way out since we detoured). I've come to a several conclusions in this time. I've determined he does actually like me on some level. He took selfies of us and sent them to his parents. I took no pics of myself. Nor any with him. I didn't want anyone to know who I was with... So I brought up the fact that he has never met any of my friends. He told me he doesn't meet girl's friends. He thinks it's pointless. Let that sink in. I replied with "hmm." No use in arguing when my mindis made up.

I just want more. I don't want to feel like an asset. I want someone who is more integrated into my life. And I have found someone who is more than willing to do that. In the short time I have known him, he has already met almost all of my friends. He actually gives off the vibe of a geniunely nice person. Unlike Aaron, I don't feel uncertain about him.

I'm tired of floating in limbo. I'm either all in or all out, and right now, I want to be all in.

I'm ready.





You said you'd meet me in Chicago
But I didn't see your face
You said you're leaving her tomorrow
But I'm still waiting without a trace

You said you'd be here in the morning
I wait alone with my suitcase
Promise you'd break the news to her last weekend
Two empty seats inside the train

This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news

You said remember our Chicago
Secret phone calls late at night
All of our meetings were in shadow
Can we walk out in the sunlight?

This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news

Time moves so slowly when hope is naive
I feel I'm foolish
I fear I'm drowning, yeah
This was our Chicago
This was our new road
I can't let go
I can't help but be hopeful
This windy city will have to get along without me
This windy city has nothing left for me

You are what you attract? This simply isn't true. Make your intentions pure and they'll rip you in two. What is innocent with a heart full will always be prey to the wolf. For his charm, his trap, his jaws, his grin, the feeble fall... Again and again and again.

this was never real

After a new development having my suspicions confirmed as they always are, the boy is not that great. In fact, my paranoia was sound as usual, and I'm just another one. The notion never left the back of my head, and I'm thankful for that.

I know where I stand.

Consequently, I know not to progress any further. Not that much progress was ever made.

I just can't win. But I'm not too hurt since I knew this was never real.

boy

I like Aaron because he doesn't make my life hard. Other than the "what are we?" uncertainty, things have been pretty easy with him. We get go out for ice cream or sushi sometimes and we sleep together. That's it.

I'd prefer someone who wants to do things together that aren't little dates. Someone who wants to adventure, hang out with friends, and hang out just to hang out. As it is now, he still hasn't met any of my friends. I just can't get him to. He doesn't attend functions with me.

He has met my family though. He met my mom once awhile back. More recently, I stayed the night at his house. The next morning I told him I had to go to my mom's for dinner, he asked if he could go. I told him my whole family was going to be there, and he was fine with that. So he met all of them. It was a nice time, I suppose. We came back to Nashville and I ended up staying at his place again.

I still feel so emotionally unattached, but after those two days together, my "like" for him had peaked. I was really digging him for the next couple days.

I haven't figured out yet if he is a "skip the bullshit" kind of person and just does the relationship stuff (dates, sex, meeting family) without all the gray area (hanging out without a purpose, meeting friends). Sometimes I question if this is what he thinks a relationship is. Sometimes I wonder if he's a psychopath and can feel nothing... but I'm leaning toward he just likes having sex with me. Because why wouldn't he? I've learned that's where I'm most valuable.