To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own.

It's been two weeks since he has been gone. It feels like it has been a year.

I'm coping by realizing what kind of person he really is. He was manipulative and selfish. Everything he ever did only benefited him. He used people for his own gain. He used me.

He may have loved me. I'll never know.

All I know for sure is that he didn't care about me in the end. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I truly believe I didn't matter to him. I truly believe I don't matter him. He told me he still loved me. He told me he loved me more than anything. He told me I was stuck with him and that he would never leave me and that I would never be able to get rid of him.

"Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see."

He told me a lot of things; however, he showed me differently. He was nothing but a liar.

I feel dumb. I always feel dumb. I believed so much.

I've realized that he is a bad person. I don't want to go into details about his shitty cult and how he apparently devoted his life to it but never followed any of the rules. But it all just seems like he wants to get high. He wants to hallucinate. Somehow the "church" got him to believe his hallucinations have meaning.

I'm bitter and resentful. But most of all I feel disappointed and let down. I've never been so let down.

- - -

I've been hanging out with Sam a lot lately. And I'm sure he'll read this. I've been thinking about the situation a lot lately. I'm not happy. I'm not going to be happy for a long time. And that's just life. I really, really like Sam. I always have. Sam is extremely attractive. More attractive than anyone I've ever dated. And I like that we can talk about anything. Actually hold a conversation. I feel like this was a long time coming. It seems we both had to make a huge mistake after each other to come back to each other.

And I'm not unhappy because of anything that has to do with Sam. I'm just unhappy in general because my life is in shambles. More so now than it has ever been before. So I'm not happy. I'm not sad anymore either. I'm angry. I'm so fucking angry. Sam makes me feel better though. I want him to know that.

Gone

He's gone and I'm not handling it well. I'm not handling it much at all. I never expected any of this. I can't handle being alone. All I do is cry. If I'm around people, I just want to be alone. But when I'm alone, it's the last thing I want.

A lot of new information has me more on the fence than ever.

I'm especially miserable tonight.

Jonah is in Texas for the weekend. The WHOLE weekend. He's not coming back til Monday night. I know he's getting some quality time in with The Girl. He hasn't been texting me all day. Yet he can use his phone to listen to songs on Spotify with lyrics like this:

" I know it (I have a feeling)
Something tells me that tonight
That I’m going to make you mine
Just tell me when and where (you tell me)
I want to please you


Something tells me that tonight
That I’m going to make you mine
Just tell me when and where
I want to please you"

I know I'm reading too far into it, but I 100% don't trust him anymore. And I feel like absolute shit.

I realized I'm not ready to be alone.

Usually I have time to prepare for things like this. I was unprepared this time.

I feel like he has already moved on and is just being nice to me so he doesn't have to feel guilty. I wish he felt guilty. I don't think he feels any kind of remorse. He talks about both of us getting in new relationships, which means he has been thinking about it. He said some dumb bullshit about how I've set some standard for his next relationship. He said he worries about me because he's worried I'll "find comfort in the arms of some douchebag." Well, some douchebag would be better than someone who I invest ALL of my time and emotions into only to leave me when things are going well. Bring on all the douchebags.

I've been hanging out with Sam the last couple days after work. It's been nice to reconnect. Yesterday, Sam, Meyer, and I hung out at the park. Then we had Waffle House. Then we got our palms read, which was fun, but the lady didn't even try. It was a fun day though! Hanging out with people has been somewhat keeping my mind off things. I was close to going out tonight, but I haven't been sleeping much lately.

Besides, I need to be prepared.

I'm not going to sit here and suffer until Jonah leaves me. I'm moving out as soon as I can. This weekend was the perfect opportunity to do so, except that I had to work all weekend. I was going to just move out entirely and let Jonah come home to a vacant apartment. It would have made me feel better to do that to him to be honest. So I'm pretty upset that I have to actually be here when he comes home. I hate that he can have everything. I want him to be alone for making me be alone.

All I need's a guarantee

Wouldn't it be nice if you could stay in love with me?

The other night I was in a bad mood. And by the other night I mean I'm in a constant bad mood lately. But the other night specifically, Jonah asked me what was wrong when we went to bed. I didn't want to tell him, but as always, he pulled it out of me. I told him how I've been feeling lately. The same kind of things I've been saying on this blog. Told him I'm not happy that he's leaving and that I feel unimportant. He continues to make me feel shittier by supporting my belief. Just goes to prove that, once again, I am right.

He has literally told me that his church is more important. Okay. I get that. Most people with some sort of belief system claims it is the most important thing to them. Maybe I'd accept it more if it weren't a fucking cult.

The other night I didn't say anything about the girl. But that may be my biggest problem.

He told me he was worried about his decision and didn't want to make the wrong decision. He cried a little. I cried a little. Somehow it all felt insincere.

So I got home from work yesterday, after that nightly talk, and he wants me to sit by him... as he researches apartments to live in in Texas and tells me all about them. That's just adding insult to injury. It put me in a bad mood. Then he went in the other room and played video games with his buddy in Texas (through team chat, of course). But I had to hear him talk about The Girl and the church, and I couldn't tune it out. I was absolutely miserable and had to leave.

So, I took my dog out like I was just taking him for a walk, but I got in my car and drove around for an hour. Jonah didn't know I was missing until half an hour later. He texted me and tried calling me a few times. I ignored it. I got a milkshake thinking it would make me feel better. I ordered an oreo shake... they gave me chocolate. It had oreos in it, but it was chocolate. I don't like chocolate, so that was a waste of money. I drove around and listened to music with Bear in the car with me. When I finally decided to go home, I couldn't find my wallet. I somehow lost it in the car. I looked for awhile but said "fuck it" and went inside. The last text Jonah sent was "This isn't cool" and he was pissed at me when I got home.

I went to the bedroom and got in bed. He came in there yelling at me for how I've been acting and I said "Sorry this is all about you." And then he wanted me to tell him what was going on with me. I don't know what to say that I haven't already said. After he forced it out of me, I even told him about the issue I have with the girl. I told him how I KNOW my opinions don't matter, especially when it comes to her, because nothing is going to change. He said that he had a talk with her about that. I said, "Show me. Show me the conversation." He replied, "I can't because it's deleted." I said, "That's what I thought." And then I couldn't look at him. It's just infuriating. He openly admitted to hiding things. When I said something along the lines of "Because you have something to hide." He was silent. He had no rebuttal. Not even a lie.

I called him out on all his lies last night AS he was telling them. He made the point, "If I can forgive and be friends with an ex who was shitty to me, I can be friends with you, who I love the most" or some dumb bullshit like that. I told him, "I never appreciated you talking to you ex." And he said, as he has said before, "It was just the one time." I immediately snapped, "No, it wasn't." And he met that one with silence too.

I started crying eventually and couldn't stop. He wanted me to eat, but I couldn't. We compromised by me joining him in the living room while he ate. I cried on the couch the whole time until I fell asleep. I didn't know I fell asleep until he woke me up to go to bed.

I woke up this morning bright and early. 7am on a day off. Fuckin' A. But I woke up not feeling ANY better at all. I've been lying in bed all morning and thinking.

I think I need to leave. I'm just going to be miserable here. Right now, I feel like the best thing for me is to pack my shit and go somewhere else because I see no point in staying. I see no point in continuing this relationship if it has a deadline. I see no point in meeting that deadline if it's going to be miserable the whole way there. I see no point in putting in ANY effort if NOTHING is going to change.