I love you so; I love you so

Apparently today is National Suicide Prevention Day. I'm not sure how this prevents anything, but it does make me sad. I'll be honest, I don't think about him every single day like I used to. I'm still reminded of him often though.

I see people who look like Cage all the time. I worked with a guy at Sony who looked like him. I only ever saw the guy a couple times, but the first time it ruined my day.

His sister posted a thing on Facebook today with his picture and their dad's picture (who also took his own life a couple years ago), and it made me miss him more. He would have done big things.

Moving Mountains

You can't be the one now to clean all my wounds out.

I feel like I shouldn't be posting this because of its personal nature, but I need to talk about it.

I wish you'd let me see you so I could explain myself in person. Things seem to get lost in Translation VIA messenger. I know you have a lot happening in your life right now, and the last thing you need is one more thing to deal with. I'm not trying to be the main focus in your life. I want to help you accomplish your goals (drivers license, getting a job and finding a place to live) You didn't seem to have the best relationship with [Max] and that probably soured you on committing or getting involved with someone else. (no one could blame you for that) I'm not a controlling, selfish or jealous guy. I wouldn't try to stop you from living your life the way you want. I wouldn't expect you to want to spend all of your time with me. Just like I wouldn't want to spend all of my time with you. (personal space is important) When we started this thing, we agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship. The deal was, we were friends that occasionally slept together. That was perfect for the first ten months. The more time I spent with you, the more I found myself caring about you and wanting to be sweet to you. I like you as my friend and you're the best lover I've ever had. I felt a genuine connection with you on that level. The only change I'm trying to make to the nature of our relationship is that I get to do nice things for you. I want to take you out for nice dinners, take you to petting zoo's ( because I know you'd love it) I want to hold your hand when we walk together, give you kisses and tell you how pretty you are.

I tried to end it by making it all my fault. If I'm going to be the bad guy, I'm going to be the fucking bad guy 100%. Because that's how I do things. If I'm going to commit to something, I'm all in. On the one hand, I'm not surprised he is acting like this because everyone does this to me. On the other hand, I really thought he would have a "fuck it" mentality about it. He always seemed like the kind of guy who didn't care. And I guess he doesn't know this (because how would he?) but I'm the kind of person who has already moved on well before ending things, so no amount of his pleading is going to convince me to come back to him.

He didn't make me feel good about myself and I kept coming back because I felt like I deserved it. I was numb to it mostly, but towards the end it really started to bother me. I really don't want to explain this in too much detail, but mostly he was belittling. And I think he thought it was all in good fun or that I wouldn't take it to heart because I never reacted to it. I know not to react to things like that because it makes me vulnerable, and I wasn't going to let him, of all people, see me be vulnerable.

I'll keep coming back. You don't make me better, but you don't make me worse. Numb's no good but it sure beats the hurt.

I'm not trying to sound like a "victim." Because fuck that - I will never be a victim. It's just something I always kept inside of me and now that it's over, I can finally say it.

However, I still feel shitty for ignoring his messages and not replying, especially ones that he put so much effort into like this one, because I know how bad that makes someone feel. I can honestly say I know exactly how he is feeling right now. Still, I just don't know what to say to him. I don't have it in me to be downright mean to him, so I just don't say anything...

I'm just ready to move on for good. I'm ready to have something meaningful, and that means getting rid of all the meaningless relations I've had. It's strange dealing with all of this mostly on my own. I mean, I dealt with relationships on my own without telling many people, so I can deal with getting rid of them just the same. It's just that it's all at once and imperative right now, so it's been weighing me down.

These are real people and I'm trying to tread lightly.

It's worth it though. If I'm not delusional: it's worth it.

Tiny Raindrop

As I lay in bed this morning watching the sun come up, I couldn't sleep (as usual) because I couldn't stop thinking about how terrible things were last year. I'm not having the time of my life right now, but things are significantly better than any of 2014. I think while it was happening to me, I didn't realize how bad it was. I just can't think of my life last year without my thoughts spiraling into all these dark places. I'm just glad I'm not there anymore; I don't miss it at all.

I messaged Jamie, my best friend since elementary school, on Facebook asking where she is living these days because if it's here in town, I'd love to hang out with her and catch up. She saw it but never replied. She has a kid now and is probably too busy to hang out anyway, so I understand. I just figured I'd try to restore some of my female friendships.

I left the house today. Mecha and I got sushi and then we shopped around town. I bought a new raincoat that I'm super excited about! I already have one but it's super heavy duty and not suitable for warmer weather. The new one is lightweight and a nice light teal color and it's great. I've been wanting a lightweight raincoat for ages.

The most exciting thing in my life right now is a raincoat.

I also bought sleeping pills because I'm sick of watching the sun come up.

Menace

I've been trying to do it right. I've been living a lonely life. I've been sleeping here instead. I've been sleeping in my bed...

Sleeping in my bed.

For once I'm writing in the morning, not because I haven't slept, but because I woke up in the middle of the night.

Yesterday, I got my degree in the mail. I'm really graduated now. I also received an email from my former supervisor at my first internship. She asked where I landed and said she had a place in mind for me. After I replied, all she said was "keep in touch," so I don't know what's going to come of that.

I'm very quickly losing faith in the idea of opposite-sex friendships. I told one friend that, although we sorta kinda had a "thing" years ago, I just don't see it ever developing into anything more serious these days. And yesterday Meyer told me that he is developing feelings for me, so he is going to quit talking to me for awhile. He and I never so much as flirted, but I let him go and told him I understand.

I feel like I should feel bad about this, and I know I will, but right now it kind of feels right. It feels like this needed to happen. Things are falling apart, and I'm letting them. I'm hoping all of this dismantling will be the change that I need.

Yet I still can't escape these grabbing hands.

I'm starting to feel like I'm a burden to others' emotions, and it would be best if I stayed away.

I'm pretty tired of talking about this. Moreover, I'm tired of living it.



These days that you finally find
That pure restitution is not on your side
There's never been a place to hide
You have to face it

Never again will I let someone in

Literally every single person I've told about my situation hysterically asked me why I told him. Literally every single person who I went to for advice told me I should have just never said anything about it and got rid of the problem silently.

Yeah, but that doesn't do any good now.

I just thought if I were 100% honest for once that I would be trustworthy. I see now how it makes me seem suspicious, conniving, manipulative, and whatever else because I was honest about the way I am and the things I've done.

I was only protecting myself in the past by telling half-truths, white lies, and bald face lies. It was hurting me but only through my own devices. I didn't think it was hurting anyone else because "what they don't know won't hurt 'em." And I didn't feel bad for lying to most the people I've lied to because most of them were lying to me. The only difference was they sucked at covering their tracks.

I got tired of being taken advantage of, so I learned to respond with fire. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to know you're being used and to have to be nice anyway because that's just the person you are?

I took full advantage of being taken full advantage of. I took what I could get, and eventually it took the place of love.

I can't go back and undo all the things I've done. I can't change who I was. I can only feel ashamed and try not to make the same mistakes.

And I couldn't stand the person inside me. I turned all the mirrors around.

At least I feel a little better about keeping myself alone and shut off. How many mistakes can you make when you're alone?

- - - - - -

You know I don't believe in any superstitions or spirituality, but sometimes I look at horoscopes just to see what they say. This one, however, I just came across on Tumblr. I wasn't looking for it.

SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES
Virgo, you are the lover who finds everyone at the most crucial time in their lives.
Libra, it is impossible not to grow around you.
Scorpio, do not fall in love with your sadness again.
Sagittarius, you have the ability to make everyone in your company feel magical by association.
Capricorn, you are the one that sparkles and floats through a room.
Aquarius, you have to sleep.
Pisces, let go of your guilt for having a body.
Aries, there is nothing romantic about hating yourself.
Taurus, do what you need to do to recharge.
Gemini, your heart has a remarkable memory.
Cancer, you have the gift of being able to make people feel something.
Leo, stop trying to please those who hurt you.
— SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES, by Blythe Baird (2015)

I'm Pisces if we didn't know that already. And it's just so coincidental.