Never Enuff

You stopped believing in God, so he stopped believing in you. Told you to get a real job; those days in the sand are through.



I've been so anxious that I don't know what to do with myself.

I haven't been able to end it definitively with Jack, but I have managed to get a "Whenever you want to hangout again, let me know" from him because I told him I didn't want to hang out. And that's all I've been able to do for now.

And like I've stated before, if, in the end, it all turns out to be all for naught, that's okay. It's just something I've needed to do for a long time anyway.

I'm tired of feeling trapped. I'm working on that though. I just have to do one thing at a time.

I'm not working hard enough. I'm pissing myself off.

- - - - - -

So, anyway, let my try to be less depressing. I went to Live on the Green the other night to see Shakey Graves. First of all, Shakey put on a hell of a show. It may be his best performance I've seen, and this was the third time I've seen him. I still haven't met him yet though! The most exciting part was when Rayland Baxter came out unexpectedly. He's a local talent, and I love him too!

I rode to Nashville with Michael because he's pretty much the only person I hang out with regularly these days. I met up with a friend Devin and later Alec. The four of us enjoyed the show together at the FRONT of the crowd. It was a great spot, and Alec danced a lot and it was fun. Near the end of the set, I checked my phone and had a text from Max that said, "I'm standing behind you." Then I freaked out. How the fuck did he find me in a crowd of 10-15,000 people? He had to fight his way through A LOT of people to get to me... I mean... maybe it was PURE coincidence, but maybe he was looking for me the entire time. Anyway, I didn't see him until he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, he waved, I said,"what's up," and I turned away from him. When the show was over, he was nowhere to be found, so that was a relief.

So, I left the crowd after Shakey. I didn't want to stand in a crowd of that many people for the headliner (Lord Huron), since I don't know their music as well. I met up with an internet friend (yes, you know the site) for the first time. It was a great setting to meet someone. His name is "Jonah" and he brought his dog. I was so excited because a lot of people brought their dogs to the event, and I could finally pet one! He's probably the person I've been chatting with the longest (since April, I think) but hadn't met. He was cool in person, so that was cool.

He thanked me for giving him the time since I seemed to be "popular with the guys" that night. I guess it does seem weird and maybe threatening from the outside. From the inside, as in the inside of my own head, they're just friends. I told him that too. Everyone is just friends. I don't touch any of them. Jonah didn't assume this, but I get tired of other people assuming that. I desperately want more girl friends, but I don't know how to get them? It's just a result of growing up with boys my entire life.

I was a good girl that night and stayed sober. I wanted to actually enjoy and remember this show. And I didn't want to be drunk with a group of dudes. I'm not doing that shit anymore. I felt like I needed to say this since I've been getting drunk in public too often lately. Nothing bad has come from it. I haven't made any stupid decisions. I've just noticed men tend to get more flirty when they know I'm drunk.

And I guess I'll tell you about another internet friend I've hung out with a couple times. His name is Meyer. He's the only one I've met alone. I haven't seen any of these people as a threat, and he was no exception. I saw Straight Outta Compton with him last night, and it was a damn good movie. He's cool, and we both have a very firm understanding of the "just friends."

I've met these people under the premise of "strictly platonic friendship." The only reason I agreed to meet the ones I have is because they seemed to have understood that from the beginning. I hope they will continue to understand that.

- - - - -

I've changed somehow. I'm not as introverted as I used to be. I feel like I'm wasting away if I'm sitting around doing nothing - which is all I do lately except for the few excursions I just mentioned. All I've done today was sit on the couch, which also adds to my self-loathing of not doing enough. I'm getting my license... then a job... then a place to live. I'm going to have all of this by the end of the year god dammit.

I just want to live on my own with my dog.

S.O.S.

You live in a shelter built from your own truth. There's so many things you don't want me to know.

I can't help but to feel like I'm in the dark. This little inkling of intuition won't leave me alone. But it's only a gut feeling, and there's no proof...

Yet.

I'm used to being vague on this blog because I don't know who will see it (refer to above statement), but that last thing I posted was direct on purpose. I've had the suspicion for awhile now that maybe Jack knows about this place. I probably left it pulled up on my laptop one time when he came over. That's the only way he'd know about it. So that last post was for myself and... my readers? Just so we're all on the same page. I'm keeping you properly informed as I report on this next big move I'm about to make. But I also said it outright as a cry for help... If Jack sees it, I'd like him to address it. Ya know, help me out here... throw me a bone... even though I don't deserve it.

And I thought that was exactly what happened tonight (last night if you're referring to the date on this post) when I received a FB message from him out of the blue that said, "I need an answer to a question." I thought, "This is it. He knows. Shit is about to go down." I panicked for a second and then mentally prepared for what I expected to be a hard conversation. After the initial panicking, I was calm and ready for the conversation... and then it turned out just to be a silly question pertaining to a conversation he was having with his friend.

And with that, I was a bit disappointed. It would make this so much easier for me if he would just bring it up. He brought up that "are you sleeping with anyone else" conversation after I made vague posts on this blog that suggested I was involved with someone new a few months ago.

I'm just tired of this. I get it: I could sleep with anyone I wanted to.

I don't want to anymore.

I want to cast out all the lies and hiding and secrecy. I'm really trying for once in my life.

And I'm trying not to lose hope.

100 Degrees

Too much love I gave away. Now I wonder what I'll do that day sparks fly high and change the way I wanna be.

I'm going to be honest and direct for once.

I mean, I'm always honest here, but I'm usually vague about it. The person I need to end it with is Jack, and that's what I've been referring to on this blog lately. I kept what I had with Jack for so long because it was... convenient? It was easy. It was easier to keep the status quo than to change things. I mean, he's good at what he does, you know what I mean? But the emotional attachment was never there for me. And if it was, it was weak, and I could never invest. And towards the end of this, I began to feel pressure. We never explicitly stated we were dating/together/what-have-you, but it started to feel like that's the way he saw it. Or sees it still... And that's exactly the thing that drives me away in most cases. That is a small part of why I need to do this.

But I've got a better reason.

Because I've met someone who I genuinely really like. Like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And because I feel so strongly about this person, I feel I've got to try. It's important to persue this because it doesn't happen often, especially with me. I'm not going to "meh" this. I'm not going to shrug it off... unless this person decides that he wants nothing to do with me; in which case, I'll just have to let it go.

And it's hard to tell sometimes. I'm so fucking insecure, and I really don't know why anymore. I can never tell if someone truly likes me despite glaring evidence. I'm so much quicker to accept disapproval than adoration towards me.

I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me

I just want to make things right. It's all I think about.

For once, someone else's ghost has crawled inside my head.

In Hiding

This is a very accurate depiction of how I am handling life right now. There are a few things that make this relevant, the biggest of which being cutting ties with someone.

I know I can't keep hiding forever.


This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

Please no more bad days

I thought we hit rock bottom, and then the floor gave out.

Dickson has not been good to me.

It's so weird that for the last several months, I've given myself this deadline. I thought I'd have it all figured out come graduation. That's supposed to be when the new chapter starts, right? So what perfect timing that I graduated two days ago, and everything is falling apart.

Without even talking about what has been going on BEFORE I moved home, since I've been here there has been a lot of "drama" for lack of a more mature term. The day I got home, I was so excited to see my dog. I hadn't seen him in weeks and I missed him like crazy. So I got to my dad's house and let Buckley out of the pen. He ran out around and barked at me out of excitement, and then I let Jimmy, the other dog, off the lead. They were both free to run wild, and what did they do? They immediatley found a cat and started tearing it apart. I beat the shit out of both of them and rescued the cat. Then I locked and tied them both back up and left the house because I was so upset. That night my brother's girlfriend, whose cat they attacked, sent me threatening messages on Facebook about my dog. I was so upset about it that I couldn't sleep, and so I only slept a couple hours before MY OWN GRADUATION.

I graduated from college on Saturday. It wasn't as joyous and momentous as it should have been. I just wasn't in the best of moods... I do appreciate my family coming out though.

The next day wasn't too bad. I took my dog to the park, and it was fine. Unfortunately, since I don't know many people in Dickson, I hung out with Max that day.

So today, I hung out with Max again. Things were going fine at first as they usually do. Took the dogs to the park and they immediately ran off into the woods. Spent two hours searching for them. They are just HORRIBLE when they are together. I am splitting them up forever. I know they are best friends, but they are out of control... We left the park immediately after collecting both dogs.

So, when Max brought me home, we sat in the driveway in his car while he freaked out on me... It has been an ENTIRE YEAR. I thought we were over this... He said a bunch of things that I could comment on, but the worst thing he told me was that he is "Probably going to kill himself" because he is still so god damned in love with me and doesn't know what to do with himself. I don't take comments like that lightly, so when I finally escaped the barrage of rambling, I immediately notified his father and several of his friends of his current depressive state. I asked them to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. And now is when I need to finally cut the cord. I won't speak to him anymore after this.

So, that's only been my last four days. I don't even have it in me right now to talk about the rest of what's been going on in my life lately. I don't even know where to begin there. Just fuck everything.

It seems all I do is cause people pain.

I'm so overwhelmed. I have got to get out of here.