I can't handle all of these strong emotions being projected onto me at once. It's a weight that I can't hold.
Wording is everything when you're telling half-truths. In a freak out moment the other night, Max asked me if I was seeing someone else. I said, "no."
Am I seeing someone else? Hell no. But I am sleeping with someone else. That's the extent of it though.
Jack and I did have fun hanging out last night and not being at all physical. We talked and laughed until everyone else showed up, then he stayed near me the rest of the night. He can pretend like this is nothing, but body language gives away everything.
I bought Copeland tickets. I am so fucking excited for this new album and to see them live! One of P's friends who I met at the Halloween party (Sean), said he was also getting himself a ticket to the show so he can show up and "harrass" me. I'm pretty sure he just meant he was going to come see me, but I really didn't like his choice of wording. I'll probably be attending the show with Max (I have no one else who is willing to go to all these shows with me!), so Sean better not do anything weird.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Woe
I like having secrets, but I'm also tired of hiding things.
What am I doing?
I kissed Cage tonight. I don't know why. I'm not interested in him romantically, but he asked, and I thought, "What the hell?" I'm not going to think about it. I'm a giver and people pleaser, I guess.
I'm feeling extremely detached and more distant than ever. I want no more human contact, especially physical, from anyone. I need to be completely alone for awhile, but I don't know how to tell people that. This weekend with Max is mostly to blame for that. I'm going to have to cut ties with him completely if he doesn't respect boundaries. This is getting hard. He is hurting. I am numb. Things can't stay this way much longer.
What am I doing?
I kissed Cage tonight. I don't know why. I'm not interested in him romantically, but he asked, and I thought, "What the hell?" I'm not going to think about it. I'm a giver and people pleaser, I guess.
I'm feeling extremely detached and more distant than ever. I want no more human contact, especially physical, from anyone. I need to be completely alone for awhile, but I don't know how to tell people that. This weekend with Max is mostly to blame for that. I'm going to have to cut ties with him completely if he doesn't respect boundaries. This is getting hard. He is hurting. I am numb. Things can't stay this way much longer.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Attach/Resent - ment
When I disappear do you fear for the sister I took? When I disappear it is clear I am up to no good.
The only way to make them truly understand is to make them feel it too.
I find myself wondering where he is when he doesn't come over. I haven't seen him in a few days. He typically comes over about 6 out of 7 days of the week. But I haven't seen him since Monday. Is it bad that I resort to the jealous girlfriend mentality? In my mind, he is most definitely out with other girls. It doesn't bother me to think about it as much as it bothered me to see it at the Halloween party. I hate that this is happening. I hate that I have gotten attached. I thought I was stronger than this. Getting attached makes me feel so weak. I am willing to be weak for the right person, but don't I think I want to be weak for this one.
Touch me or don't. Just let me know where you've been.
Well, I know I am stronger than this. I haven't gotten the chance to relearn how to be alone. As soon as it was over with Max, it started with Jack. Jack isn't a relationship though. He doesn't care about me. And I really don't know if I care about him. I think because I didn't get to be alone again, I just want company. It doesn't even have to be physical. I just want someone to watch movies with or, hell, even sleep beside sometimes. I never thought I'd say that. I always liked sleeping alone...
P was going to come over this weekend. He wants to spend the weekend with me. I just can't do that right now... I tell him I'm not ready for that but, honestly, I don't want my roommates, or especially Jack, see a random guy spending the night with me. I don't want them to see any guy spend the night with me. Jack for obvious reasons, but my roommates have a pretty good inkling about what Jack and I have going on, and I just don't want my roommates to judge me to be honest. I know I shouldn't care, but I've got to keep appearances, ya know? Got a reputation to uphold... whatever kind of reputation that is.
I have a lot going on. I missed two days of school. A lot to make up for.
The only way to make them truly understand is to make them feel it too.
I find myself wondering where he is when he doesn't come over. I haven't seen him in a few days. He typically comes over about 6 out of 7 days of the week. But I haven't seen him since Monday. Is it bad that I resort to the jealous girlfriend mentality? In my mind, he is most definitely out with other girls. It doesn't bother me to think about it as much as it bothered me to see it at the Halloween party. I hate that this is happening. I hate that I have gotten attached. I thought I was stronger than this. Getting attached makes me feel so weak. I am willing to be weak for the right person, but don't I think I want to be weak for this one.
Touch me or don't. Just let me know where you've been.
Well, I know I am stronger than this. I haven't gotten the chance to relearn how to be alone. As soon as it was over with Max, it started with Jack. Jack isn't a relationship though. He doesn't care about me. And I really don't know if I care about him. I think because I didn't get to be alone again, I just want company. It doesn't even have to be physical. I just want someone to watch movies with or, hell, even sleep beside sometimes. I never thought I'd say that. I always liked sleeping alone...
P was going to come over this weekend. He wants to spend the weekend with me. I just can't do that right now... I tell him I'm not ready for that but, honestly, I don't want my roommates, or especially Jack, see a random guy spending the night with me. I don't want them to see any guy spend the night with me. Jack for obvious reasons, but my roommates have a pretty good inkling about what Jack and I have going on, and I just don't want my roommates to judge me to be honest. I know I shouldn't care, but I've got to keep appearances, ya know? Got a reputation to uphold... whatever kind of reputation that is.
I have a lot going on. I missed two days of school. A lot to make up for.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Innocence... How cute.
Mitch just told me, "its so weird like ive always been attracted to you but you seem like so cute and innocent like if we dated idk if we could ever even do anything."
P used to say that to me too. I kind of really like that this is what people think of me. That I am viewed as sweet and innocent. Because on the one hand, I am. But on the other hand, I like having that other side of me that not many get to see.
I just romanticize about secret double lives. I like things done in secret in general.
P used to say that to me too. I kind of really like that this is what people think of me. That I am viewed as sweet and innocent. Because on the one hand, I am. But on the other hand, I like having that other side of me that not many get to see.
I just romanticize about secret double lives. I like things done in secret in general.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Oh, Calico Queen
Don’t throw it away
Oh Calico queen
'Cause now you're merely a machine
And not a person
Aright, I'm going to attempt to play catch up here.
My brother Josh and I saw saw Brand New together. Brand New were phenomenal live! They had two drummers and it was super badass on some songs. I didn't expect "Sink" to be the coolest song live, but it was. I loved it. It was such a great show. Such a great time. Josh enjoyed it too.
I actually already talked about Shakey Graves, in brief anyway. It was also a good show and worth the mini road trip.
Nikki and I went to Memphis. Her friend Jake came along too. At first we thought none of our Memphis friends wanted to see us, but after a long day and a trip to the haunted corn maze (always fun!), we showed up unannounced at JT's house. He was excited to see us and I just adore JT. Then we showed up to a party that just so happened to be going on while we were in town. We saw Whitney. It blew his mind that we were there. He was so messed up, though, that I'm sure he doesn't remember it. We also saw Barrett, and I also adore Barrett. He remembered my project from Freshmen year in IPC class! It warms my heart when people remember little things like that. And as we were in the car about to leave the party at 2am, Jess pulled up. So we got out and hugged her and she seemed so genuinely happy to see us that it made it all worth it. I love Jess! Then Jake drove home (since Nikki drove all the way there). Nikki slept in the back while Jake and I talked for the entire three-hour drive. It was a nice talk. We learned a lot about each other.
Logan is officially moved out. It's kinda weird. The house is quieter. Not that Logan was loud, but the rest of us are kinda just keeping to ourselves for the time being.
We had a Halloween party at my house. Jack mostly planned it. I was anxious at first because I thought Max was going to show up, but in the end he didn't. I know things are tense with the roommates and especially Jack when it comes to Max. Max is oblivious to Jack and I's relationship, but obviously, Jack knows all about Max. So anyway, as it was mostly Jack's party, I didn't want things to get weird if Max showed up because I know Jack wouldn't want him there.
Well, my friends Michelle, Meredith, and Brandy showed up (they are all roommates). And P showed up! With his friend's Sean and Joe. Sean I am friends with on Facebook but I had never met Joe before. Anyway, it was really nice getting to see all of them. P kind of assumed that I would be more touchy-feely than I was. Honestly, I didn't want to be all over him in front of everybody, especially Jack... But, you know, we sneaked in some kisses and hugs. Nikki and Jake showed up and it was AWESOME. I had a great time at the party. Not to mention my costume was awesome, and I looked damn good. In fact, when I first came out in costume, I was standing by the fire talking to my friends, and my back was turned to my roommates. Then Matt told me, "When you first came out, your back was to us, and we were all saying, "who is that?" And then you turned around and we are like "Oh it's just Hayley." I told him, "I hope then you all threw up everywhere." But really I know they don't find me gross. The opposite, in fact... Anyway, I had a lot of fun hanging out with friends. When P's friends wanted to leave, he was being drunk and difficult, so I kicked him out. By that, I mean, I literally pushed him out the door and all the way to their vehicle. We kissed goodbye and told each other we love each other out on the street. He was drunk and probably doesn't remember. When everyone left, I hung out with the roommates' coworkers Staf and Ryan for the last couple hours. They were a lot of fun and quite the eye candy if I do say so myself.
When the night was drawing to a close, around 2-3am, it was Ryan, Staf, Lee, and myself in the kitchen. Some other coworker was with a girl in the living room. And Jack was in the backyard with a girl by the fire. They were both trying to "seal the deal." Ryan and Staf were getting irritated because they were with the guy in the living room and they wanted him to hurry up and "hit it" so they could all leave. That's when I learned how scum-y all these guys are... I was so bothered by Jack. More than I should have been. It's like, in my mind I imagine he is seeing other girls, but then actually witnessing that in person just made me feel really sick. He came back inside and the guys asked if he did it. He never say "yes," but he also never said "no." When they started calling him out and telling him to go get it done, he said, "Nah, I'm good." I looked at my phone the whole time as to not be apart of the conversation. The scum-y guy in the living room went outside (presumably to a car) with the girl he was with. He came back inside later and all the dudes high-fived and all that shit. It's disgusting. So, then they all left.
And, of course, Jack came into my room later after the roommates had passed out... And while we were having sex, literally just in the middle of it, I thought "Why me?"
In a way I felt triumphant. He chose me over that other girl. But why? Why did he choose me? I'm not special. Not to him anyway.
Why am I doing things that make me feel worthless? Why am I being this stereotype? I have a dozen men who would love to date me and treat me like a human. And I choose to give the time of day to the one who wants to use me.
Is this just a mental comfort thing? We, as women, are made to feel worthless by those who are close to us, so then we choose it because it is comfortable to us. Because it is all we know. I know I get really uncomfortable when someone does something nice for me. When a man treats me like a person. My home life wasn't like that. And I feel like I am independent enough. I don't feel validated in a relationship. In fact, I feel the opposite.
I'm not myself when I belong to someone else.
And, then, I don't know... I saw Jack comment on his ex-girlfriend's FB photo where he was teasing her. He clearly still likes her. And it made me a little sad. I think the healthiest thing for me to do would be to put an end to our physical relationship, but I don't know the easiest way to do that yet.
And I know I'm being hypocritical because of how much I talk and flirt with these other guys I know, but I'm not trying to drunkenly hook up with people at parties when the person I'm sleeping with is right there. And this is especially hypocritical when I tell you what I'm about to tell you later about P. But I think the P thing just felt more guilt-free after all my realizations about Jack.
Okay, enough about that.
On actual Halloween night, the day after the party, I went to my cousin Bill's house. It was cool. He goes all out with the decorations and gets a couple thousand visitors on Halloween. Afterward, friend and neighbor Chris invited me on FB to a Halloween party up the street from my house. I saw that a great local band who I really like was playing, so I decided to go. It was a lot of fun! And the singer remembered my name from when we had met a long time ago! Or because I like almost everything he posts on FB. I'm not sure, but it made me really happy that he remembered my name!
The next night, Max and I went to see Bill's band play in Nashville. It was fun! But when I got home, I got a last-minute guest... P came over! He got a ride to town with these friends who were trying to go to a club here in town and they dropped him off on the way. I actually really enjoyed it. I made him sneak in through the back so my roommates wouldn't know. We lay in my bed for a minute and put on Across the Universe, but his friends couldn't get into the club, so our secret cuddle sesh was cut severely short. Honestly, he was probably expecting sex, and, if I'm being honest, I was too. He didn't stay long enough though, so we literally only cuddled. It was really nice even if it was brief.
I've said it before and I will say it again. I really like P and I always will. I will never not be head over heels for him. He is irresistibly adorable and, I guess, that "C" word again: comfortable. He is comfortable to me. I've known him long enough. I still don't think that I fully trust him, but he gets better and better. At the Halloween party, he said, in front my friends even, that I am the only girl he ever loved. I don't know. I enjoyed his presence and would gladly accept it back into my life. Not as a partner, not yet anyway, but as someone who I can talk to and be with.
So, I voted in the midterm elections the other day, and the results are so very disappointing, but at least I tried.
I took a "me" day today. I didn't go to any of my classes. I got a little sleep. And I ordered myself pizza. I needed it. I've worked myself into a bit of a depression. I'm not sure if it's just a little slump I am in or if this is going to hang around for awhile. I know that I can let this eat me up, and I also know that I can't afford to let that happen. I'm stressed about school and my personal life and I could really use a break.
Oh Calico queen
'Cause now you're merely a machine
And not a person
Aright, I'm going to attempt to play catch up here.
My brother Josh and I saw saw Brand New together. Brand New were phenomenal live! They had two drummers and it was super badass on some songs. I didn't expect "Sink" to be the coolest song live, but it was. I loved it. It was such a great show. Such a great time. Josh enjoyed it too.
I actually already talked about Shakey Graves, in brief anyway. It was also a good show and worth the mini road trip.
Nikki and I went to Memphis. Her friend Jake came along too. At first we thought none of our Memphis friends wanted to see us, but after a long day and a trip to the haunted corn maze (always fun!), we showed up unannounced at JT's house. He was excited to see us and I just adore JT. Then we showed up to a party that just so happened to be going on while we were in town. We saw Whitney. It blew his mind that we were there. He was so messed up, though, that I'm sure he doesn't remember it. We also saw Barrett, and I also adore Barrett. He remembered my project from Freshmen year in IPC class! It warms my heart when people remember little things like that. And as we were in the car about to leave the party at 2am, Jess pulled up. So we got out and hugged her and she seemed so genuinely happy to see us that it made it all worth it. I love Jess! Then Jake drove home (since Nikki drove all the way there). Nikki slept in the back while Jake and I talked for the entire three-hour drive. It was a nice talk. We learned a lot about each other.
Logan is officially moved out. It's kinda weird. The house is quieter. Not that Logan was loud, but the rest of us are kinda just keeping to ourselves for the time being.
We had a Halloween party at my house. Jack mostly planned it. I was anxious at first because I thought Max was going to show up, but in the end he didn't. I know things are tense with the roommates and especially Jack when it comes to Max. Max is oblivious to Jack and I's relationship, but obviously, Jack knows all about Max. So anyway, as it was mostly Jack's party, I didn't want things to get weird if Max showed up because I know Jack wouldn't want him there.
Well, my friends Michelle, Meredith, and Brandy showed up (they are all roommates). And P showed up! With his friend's Sean and Joe. Sean I am friends with on Facebook but I had never met Joe before. Anyway, it was really nice getting to see all of them. P kind of assumed that I would be more touchy-feely than I was. Honestly, I didn't want to be all over him in front of everybody, especially Jack... But, you know, we sneaked in some kisses and hugs. Nikki and Jake showed up and it was AWESOME. I had a great time at the party. Not to mention my costume was awesome, and I looked damn good. In fact, when I first came out in costume, I was standing by the fire talking to my friends, and my back was turned to my roommates. Then Matt told me, "When you first came out, your back was to us, and we were all saying, "who is that?" And then you turned around and we are like "Oh it's just Hayley." I told him, "I hope then you all threw up everywhere." But really I know they don't find me gross. The opposite, in fact... Anyway, I had a lot of fun hanging out with friends. When P's friends wanted to leave, he was being drunk and difficult, so I kicked him out. By that, I mean, I literally pushed him out the door and all the way to their vehicle. We kissed goodbye and told each other we love each other out on the street. He was drunk and probably doesn't remember. When everyone left, I hung out with the roommates' coworkers Staf and Ryan for the last couple hours. They were a lot of fun and quite the eye candy if I do say so myself.
When the night was drawing to a close, around 2-3am, it was Ryan, Staf, Lee, and myself in the kitchen. Some other coworker was with a girl in the living room. And Jack was in the backyard with a girl by the fire. They were both trying to "seal the deal." Ryan and Staf were getting irritated because they were with the guy in the living room and they wanted him to hurry up and "hit it" so they could all leave. That's when I learned how scum-y all these guys are... I was so bothered by Jack. More than I should have been. It's like, in my mind I imagine he is seeing other girls, but then actually witnessing that in person just made me feel really sick. He came back inside and the guys asked if he did it. He never say "yes," but he also never said "no." When they started calling him out and telling him to go get it done, he said, "Nah, I'm good." I looked at my phone the whole time as to not be apart of the conversation. The scum-y guy in the living room went outside (presumably to a car) with the girl he was with. He came back inside later and all the dudes high-fived and all that shit. It's disgusting. So, then they all left.
And, of course, Jack came into my room later after the roommates had passed out... And while we were having sex, literally just in the middle of it, I thought "Why me?"
In a way I felt triumphant. He chose me over that other girl. But why? Why did he choose me? I'm not special. Not to him anyway.
Why am I doing things that make me feel worthless? Why am I being this stereotype? I have a dozen men who would love to date me and treat me like a human. And I choose to give the time of day to the one who wants to use me.
Is this just a mental comfort thing? We, as women, are made to feel worthless by those who are close to us, so then we choose it because it is comfortable to us. Because it is all we know. I know I get really uncomfortable when someone does something nice for me. When a man treats me like a person. My home life wasn't like that. And I feel like I am independent enough. I don't feel validated in a relationship. In fact, I feel the opposite.
I'm not myself when I belong to someone else.
And, then, I don't know... I saw Jack comment on his ex-girlfriend's FB photo where he was teasing her. He clearly still likes her. And it made me a little sad. I think the healthiest thing for me to do would be to put an end to our physical relationship, but I don't know the easiest way to do that yet.
And I know I'm being hypocritical because of how much I talk and flirt with these other guys I know, but I'm not trying to drunkenly hook up with people at parties when the person I'm sleeping with is right there. And this is especially hypocritical when I tell you what I'm about to tell you later about P. But I think the P thing just felt more guilt-free after all my realizations about Jack.
Okay, enough about that.
On actual Halloween night, the day after the party, I went to my cousin Bill's house. It was cool. He goes all out with the decorations and gets a couple thousand visitors on Halloween. Afterward, friend and neighbor Chris invited me on FB to a Halloween party up the street from my house. I saw that a great local band who I really like was playing, so I decided to go. It was a lot of fun! And the singer remembered my name from when we had met a long time ago! Or because I like almost everything he posts on FB. I'm not sure, but it made me really happy that he remembered my name!
The next night, Max and I went to see Bill's band play in Nashville. It was fun! But when I got home, I got a last-minute guest... P came over! He got a ride to town with these friends who were trying to go to a club here in town and they dropped him off on the way. I actually really enjoyed it. I made him sneak in through the back so my roommates wouldn't know. We lay in my bed for a minute and put on Across the Universe, but his friends couldn't get into the club, so our secret cuddle sesh was cut severely short. Honestly, he was probably expecting sex, and, if I'm being honest, I was too. He didn't stay long enough though, so we literally only cuddled. It was really nice even if it was brief.
I've said it before and I will say it again. I really like P and I always will. I will never not be head over heels for him. He is irresistibly adorable and, I guess, that "C" word again: comfortable. He is comfortable to me. I've known him long enough. I still don't think that I fully trust him, but he gets better and better. At the Halloween party, he said, in front my friends even, that I am the only girl he ever loved. I don't know. I enjoyed his presence and would gladly accept it back into my life. Not as a partner, not yet anyway, but as someone who I can talk to and be with.
So, I voted in the midterm elections the other day, and the results are so very disappointing, but at least I tried.
I took a "me" day today. I didn't go to any of my classes. I got a little sleep. And I ordered myself pizza. I needed it. I've worked myself into a bit of a depression. I'm not sure if it's just a little slump I am in or if this is going to hang around for awhile. I know that I can let this eat me up, and I also know that I can't afford to let that happen. I'm stressed about school and my personal life and I could really use a break.
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