I wanted to make a post about how things weren't always bad. But god damn, it seems I'm unhappy with this relationship more often than not these days.
. . .
This whole situation has turned into me hating myself. That's what it always boils down to.
I don't want to admit how much this is affecting me.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
How much longer?
Ultimately, I'd like to end up with someone who doesn't do drugs.
You know that feeling you get when it feels like your veins are filling with concrete?
Yeah.
The doubts are setting in, and I feel hollow.
I don't want anything to do with any of them anymore.
...
Right now I just can't see a future with this so prevalent.
You know that feeling you get when it feels like your veins are filling with concrete?
Yeah.
The doubts are setting in, and I feel hollow.
I don't want anything to do with any of them anymore.
...
Right now I just can't see a future with this so prevalent.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
You do so much and I'm just so bitter
When he dropped me off at school last Tuesday, he said he probably won't be coming over next week. He said it was because he needed to study for his stats final, but it was probably because I was bitchy and hard to handle last weekend. I don't blame him. I was stressed as fuck about my portfolio review.
And we just want sleep, but this night is hell.
I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself
Because I make things hard and your'e just trying to help.
I erased everything I wrote here. I'm not going to see him this week because we're currently having a bit of an ice storm. Power outages all over the state and the roads are dangerous.
I'm not sure why I'm so god damned bitter lately.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've realized more and more how much he acts like my ex. He never remembers anything I tell him and is always asking things that I've already answered. The similarities are too close, and it's seriously distressing. These "stupid" questions really stress me out. Is there something about me that people don't remember what I say? Do I just attract people who do not care? For example, I've had this jaw pain for the last 3 weeks. It started out slight but has gradually turned into this excruciating pain. I can't eat, sneeze, yawn, anything that involves chewing or opening my mouth very far. I've been telling him about this pain since the moment I started noticing it. I know every single time we've hung out, I've mentioned how much it hurts to eat. So today, I tell him I need to see a doctor because the pain has gotten so bad that I simply cannot eat anymore. He texted me "Jaw still hurting?" I don't know... it's been this way for three weeks, why wouldn't it still be hurting? It's not going to magically disappear like it never happened within a few hours. He never knows what time he has to drop me off for class despite dropping me off for class every single week for the last four months...
History is repeating itself. It always does.
And we just want sleep, but this night is hell.
I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself
Because I make things hard and your'e just trying to help.
I erased everything I wrote here. I'm not going to see him this week because we're currently having a bit of an ice storm. Power outages all over the state and the roads are dangerous.
I'm not sure why I'm so god damned bitter lately.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've realized more and more how much he acts like my ex. He never remembers anything I tell him and is always asking things that I've already answered. The similarities are too close, and it's seriously distressing. These "stupid" questions really stress me out. Is there something about me that people don't remember what I say? Do I just attract people who do not care? For example, I've had this jaw pain for the last 3 weeks. It started out slight but has gradually turned into this excruciating pain. I can't eat, sneeze, yawn, anything that involves chewing or opening my mouth very far. I've been telling him about this pain since the moment I started noticing it. I know every single time we've hung out, I've mentioned how much it hurts to eat. So today, I tell him I need to see a doctor because the pain has gotten so bad that I simply cannot eat anymore. He texted me "Jaw still hurting?" I don't know... it's been this way for three weeks, why wouldn't it still be hurting? It's not going to magically disappear like it never happened within a few hours. He never knows what time he has to drop me off for class despite dropping me off for class every single week for the last four months...
History is repeating itself. It always does.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Now I've got everything I wanted... still a bad taste in my mouth
So, that Portfolio Review I had...
It has been a stressful week and so many things went wrong. I couldn't get all of my pieces printed in time. I fucked up cutting and gluing everything when I was mounting it all. Xacto knives and stick glue are almost as big a bane of my existence as printers. I hate them all. It makes me constantly question this life choice as well as the stupid god damn always-fucking-up Adobe programs... but I digress. At least, on set up day, the weather was absolutely wonderful. It was 70 degrees and clear skies. Nice spring day for the first week of December. And I never drink anything other than water, but on that day, I decided to buy gatorade. I did it to try and help prevent a migraine that I just KNEW was a very strong possibility as I only slept maybe 3 hours the last two nights and didn't eat anything all day. I had a test that day too that I just did not study for because I didn't have the time to in the midst of all the portfolio revisions. So, I did pretty shittily on the test. And the gatorade I bought spilled all in the bottom of my bag, making the binder of my process work (that was going in my review) sticky... And then for the sake of the limited space I had, I just slapped all my work on the wall, not arranging it nicely or anything, just to get it to all fit. A lot of other people had hung up black fabric on the wall and had black tablecloths for nice backdrops for their work. Not me. My space looked like I didn't give two shits.
I did hang out with Evan that day though! He helped me hang all of my stuff up. He encouraged me to do my best too. I had a small book that I was putting in the review, but it wasn't bound. Evan was like, "Aw, c'mon. You can't have an unbound book..." So I walked all the way home AT NIGHT BY MYSELF (about half a mile away), bound the book, walked back, and then walked all the way home again. I hate walking anywhere alone at night, but, shit, it needed to be done. Evan offered to give me a ride if I needed one after he was finished with band practice (which is where he went after helping me set up), but I decided to be a big girl and be independent... as dangerous as that is in this shitty world. Evan is a great friend though, and I'm glad he helped me out.
Anyway, I managed to last-minute print the things I couldn't before, and I got it all in my space.
I was so sure I wasn't going to make it through. My work didn't look all that great compared to anyone else's, and it looked like I just didn't care (at this point, I didn't). But... Despite everything that went wrong, I somehow made it through. I've been accepted into the upper division graphic design sequence. I don't have to change my major!
So... in a way I am relieved. I'm relieved that I don't have to choose a new major (because, man, do I hate making decisions, especially ones I'm not sure about). I'm relieved that it is still possible for me to graduate in only four years of school. And I actually feel like I'm somewhat good enough.
If I didn't make it, I would have been secretly relieved as well. Relieved that I didn't have all the stress anymore. Excited to try something new.
But I let this review choose my fate for me. I could change my major still if I wanted to, but I think I am okay with graphic design.
_____________________________________________________________
I feel like such a bitch. It seems lately all I ever say to Max is what he does that upsets me. And then I get upset and just take it out on him, I guess. I get distant or ignore him completely.
I mean, I do it because he ignores me. And I can't stand being ignored. I wouldn't be this way if I weren't ruined from my last relationships. Does no one like my conversation? I just like to keep in touch throughout the day, but that's clearly too much to ask for as all of my last relationships have shown me. Am I only good for sex? No one cares what I have to say. I wish I hadn't changed. I wish I was still as silent as I used to be. I guess I always make the same mistake of thinking someone cares.
I confronted him about it last night. You know, "being a b" as he always says. We were talking on Facebook, and he informed me that he was going to go to his friend Mat's to jam. Which is perfectly fine. But every time he's with anyone, I don't hear from him at all. I know it's rude to text people when you're hanging out with other people, but that never stops him from texting people when he's hanging out with me... So why can't he text me when he's with them?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Max
okay, i am going to go play guitar at matts for a few
then pick up jason
Hayley
That means I won't hear from you for the rest of the night. I hope you have fun. Good night.
Max
wait
why you say that
Hayley
Because it's true?
Max
when i go to matts you dont ever hear from me?
Hayley
at least you told me instead of just disappearing lol
i never hear from you when you are hanging out with anyone
Max
i guess i also forget to tell you
i am sorry
Hayley
I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. I was just saying.
Max
well, you do make me feel guilty and i am just saying that
but
it makes me aware and i try to make sure i change these little things that arent good
i wish i was with you honestly
we would have just finished a movie or something and would be preparing for another one
Hayley
I don't try to make you feel guilty. I don't like putting people on guilt trips because it makes me feel bad if I make someone else feel bad.
Max
you dont make me feel bad
you make me feel communicated
(i like that one haha)
picture that in a song
Hayley
When you said you were going to Matt's, I just took that as my cue to lie down and watch shows/movies for the rest of the night.
Max
well, i havent jammed with them all semester
and i was supposed to be at work right now haha
so i figure i can fit this in now and still study later
and def tomorrow because no band prac
Hayley
You know you aren't going to study later. But go have fun with your friends! Why no band practice tomorrow?
Max
kal r kar troubles
and finals
i told scobert we should hold off this weekend and come back after full blast
okay i am going to go
i will text you
Hayley
Okay, have fun.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And then he said he might come up Sunday after already telling me he wasn't going to. Just don't beat around the bush so much. You already said you weren't going to; now that's what I expect, so just don't...
As soon as he said "I will text you" I said to myself, "No, you won't." Because he never texts me. He did though. Many hours later when I was already in bed. That conversation goes as follows:
Max: I'm home. My wrist is hurting for some reason. I am gonna lie down and probably fall asleep. :-) I hope you are warm.
Me: Okay. Good night.
Max: Wait! Don't go
Me: Why? I thought you were going to sleep.
Max: You just seemed distant
I miss you
Me: I miss you too
And then he didn't respond. A couple hours later I felt bad and guilty so I sent him this:
Me: Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be distant. I just get irrational sometimes because my last relationship ended over lack of communication. He would ignore me all day and only text me at night to say he was going to bed, and it just left a bad taste in my mouth. And now I just get irrationally upset over the stupidest smallest thing.
Max: Hey
The small things matter
And I can't wait to live close to you because our relationship has grown strong enough and i just can't wait :-) then text will be athing of the past
And I don't mean to ignore you. I am lazy sometimes and don't think about my phone. I get that from my dad lol
Me: I shouldn't get mad at you for things that aren't your fault. It's completely irrational, and I'm well aware of it. I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't take this as seriously as I do...
And you know damn well that the thing I said about my ex ignoring me and only texting me, like, once a day to end a conversation that never happened is true because it infuriated me then when I wrote all about it on this blog and it infuriates me now when I continue to write about it on this blog...
And, I mean, saying he forgets about his phone and all this cutesy talk isn't helping. It isn't cute. It's too little too late, and I see it for what it is: trying to spew out a bunch of bullshit to shut me up. I forget about my phone a lot of times too, but only when I'm not texting anyone on it. I guess I just think about him more than he thinks about me. I guess I'm just bitchy, needy, and clingy.
I don't want to be attention hungry. I just want to be acknowledged by one person. Is that wrong? Am I wrong?
I don't know... I've just got this deep-rooted resentment inside of me. It's like abandonment issues. And the biggest reason I'm such a god damned bitch all the time is because I'm just trying to explain problems instead of letting it build up inside of me and making me resent him and never want to see him again. I'm trying really fucking hard to not let this relationship end like the last one.
It has been a stressful week and so many things went wrong. I couldn't get all of my pieces printed in time. I fucked up cutting and gluing everything when I was mounting it all. Xacto knives and stick glue are almost as big a bane of my existence as printers. I hate them all. It makes me constantly question this life choice as well as the stupid god damn always-fucking-up Adobe programs... but I digress. At least, on set up day, the weather was absolutely wonderful. It was 70 degrees and clear skies. Nice spring day for the first week of December. And I never drink anything other than water, but on that day, I decided to buy gatorade. I did it to try and help prevent a migraine that I just KNEW was a very strong possibility as I only slept maybe 3 hours the last two nights and didn't eat anything all day. I had a test that day too that I just did not study for because I didn't have the time to in the midst of all the portfolio revisions. So, I did pretty shittily on the test. And the gatorade I bought spilled all in the bottom of my bag, making the binder of my process work (that was going in my review) sticky... And then for the sake of the limited space I had, I just slapped all my work on the wall, not arranging it nicely or anything, just to get it to all fit. A lot of other people had hung up black fabric on the wall and had black tablecloths for nice backdrops for their work. Not me. My space looked like I didn't give two shits.
I did hang out with Evan that day though! He helped me hang all of my stuff up. He encouraged me to do my best too. I had a small book that I was putting in the review, but it wasn't bound. Evan was like, "Aw, c'mon. You can't have an unbound book..." So I walked all the way home AT NIGHT BY MYSELF (about half a mile away), bound the book, walked back, and then walked all the way home again. I hate walking anywhere alone at night, but, shit, it needed to be done. Evan offered to give me a ride if I needed one after he was finished with band practice (which is where he went after helping me set up), but I decided to be a big girl and be independent... as dangerous as that is in this shitty world. Evan is a great friend though, and I'm glad he helped me out.
Anyway, I managed to last-minute print the things I couldn't before, and I got it all in my space.
I was so sure I wasn't going to make it through. My work didn't look all that great compared to anyone else's, and it looked like I just didn't care (at this point, I didn't). But... Despite everything that went wrong, I somehow made it through. I've been accepted into the upper division graphic design sequence. I don't have to change my major!
So... in a way I am relieved. I'm relieved that I don't have to choose a new major (because, man, do I hate making decisions, especially ones I'm not sure about). I'm relieved that it is still possible for me to graduate in only four years of school. And I actually feel like I'm somewhat good enough.
If I didn't make it, I would have been secretly relieved as well. Relieved that I didn't have all the stress anymore. Excited to try something new.
But I let this review choose my fate for me. I could change my major still if I wanted to, but I think I am okay with graphic design.
_____________________________________________________________
I feel like such a bitch. It seems lately all I ever say to Max is what he does that upsets me. And then I get upset and just take it out on him, I guess. I get distant or ignore him completely.
I mean, I do it because he ignores me. And I can't stand being ignored. I wouldn't be this way if I weren't ruined from my last relationships. Does no one like my conversation? I just like to keep in touch throughout the day, but that's clearly too much to ask for as all of my last relationships have shown me. Am I only good for sex? No one cares what I have to say. I wish I hadn't changed. I wish I was still as silent as I used to be. I guess I always make the same mistake of thinking someone cares.
I confronted him about it last night. You know, "being a b" as he always says. We were talking on Facebook, and he informed me that he was going to go to his friend Mat's to jam. Which is perfectly fine. But every time he's with anyone, I don't hear from him at all. I know it's rude to text people when you're hanging out with other people, but that never stops him from texting people when he's hanging out with me... So why can't he text me when he's with them?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Max
okay, i am going to go play guitar at matts for a few
then pick up jason
Hayley
That means I won't hear from you for the rest of the night. I hope you have fun. Good night.
Max
wait
why you say that
Hayley
Because it's true?
Max
when i go to matts you dont ever hear from me?
Hayley
at least you told me instead of just disappearing lol
i never hear from you when you are hanging out with anyone
Max
i guess i also forget to tell you
i am sorry
Hayley
I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. I was just saying.
Max
well, you do make me feel guilty and i am just saying that
but
it makes me aware and i try to make sure i change these little things that arent good
i wish i was with you honestly
we would have just finished a movie or something and would be preparing for another one
Hayley
I don't try to make you feel guilty. I don't like putting people on guilt trips because it makes me feel bad if I make someone else feel bad.
Max
you dont make me feel bad
you make me feel communicated
(i like that one haha)
picture that in a song
Hayley
When you said you were going to Matt's, I just took that as my cue to lie down and watch shows/movies for the rest of the night.
Max
well, i havent jammed with them all semester
and i was supposed to be at work right now haha
so i figure i can fit this in now and still study later
and def tomorrow because no band prac
Hayley
You know you aren't going to study later. But go have fun with your friends! Why no band practice tomorrow?
Max
kal r kar troubles
and finals
i told scobert we should hold off this weekend and come back after full blast
okay i am going to go
i will text you
Hayley
Okay, have fun.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And then he said he might come up Sunday after already telling me he wasn't going to. Just don't beat around the bush so much. You already said you weren't going to; now that's what I expect, so just don't...
As soon as he said "I will text you" I said to myself, "No, you won't." Because he never texts me. He did though. Many hours later when I was already in bed. That conversation goes as follows:
Max: I'm home. My wrist is hurting for some reason. I am gonna lie down and probably fall asleep. :-) I hope you are warm.
Me: Okay. Good night.
Max: Wait! Don't go
Me: Why? I thought you were going to sleep.
Max: You just seemed distant
I miss you
Me: I miss you too
And then he didn't respond. A couple hours later I felt bad and guilty so I sent him this:
Me: Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be distant. I just get irrational sometimes because my last relationship ended over lack of communication. He would ignore me all day and only text me at night to say he was going to bed, and it just left a bad taste in my mouth. And now I just get irrationally upset over the stupidest smallest thing.
Max: Hey
The small things matter
And I can't wait to live close to you because our relationship has grown strong enough and i just can't wait :-) then text will be athing of the past
And I don't mean to ignore you. I am lazy sometimes and don't think about my phone. I get that from my dad lol
Me: I shouldn't get mad at you for things that aren't your fault. It's completely irrational, and I'm well aware of it. I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't take this as seriously as I do...
And you know damn well that the thing I said about my ex ignoring me and only texting me, like, once a day to end a conversation that never happened is true because it infuriated me then when I wrote all about it on this blog and it infuriates me now when I continue to write about it on this blog...
And, I mean, saying he forgets about his phone and all this cutesy talk isn't helping. It isn't cute. It's too little too late, and I see it for what it is: trying to spew out a bunch of bullshit to shut me up. I forget about my phone a lot of times too, but only when I'm not texting anyone on it. I guess I just think about him more than he thinks about me. I guess I'm just bitchy, needy, and clingy.
I don't want to be attention hungry. I just want to be acknowledged by one person. Is that wrong? Am I wrong?
I don't know... I've just got this deep-rooted resentment inside of me. It's like abandonment issues. And the biggest reason I'm such a god damned bitch all the time is because I'm just trying to explain problems instead of letting it build up inside of me and making me resent him and never want to see him again. I'm trying really fucking hard to not let this relationship end like the last one.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Down and Out
I love you so much, but do me a favor, baby: don't reply. Because I can dish it out... but I can't take it.
At least when I'm depressed, I can blame my "tiredness" on lack of iron when someone else asks what's wrong.
I still haven't shaken the feeling. I'm not sure if I'll go to his house tonight. We talked about the problem today. Briefly... right before he went to work.
Max
hey honey
Hayley
hey
Max
is everything okay?
Hayley
i just re-activated my facebook because johnny wanted me to send a message to rita
Max
okay
Hayley
everything is fine
Max
i should have been there for you on thanksgiving night
Hayley
no, you had plans
i should have just gone home
Max
it was unexpected
i wont let it happen again
Hayley
Well, it's always unexpected.
Max
you are right
i dont have any excuse
Hayley
I want you to spend time with your friends.
I just don't think I should be there since I'm not interested in getting high with everyone.
Max
i totally understand
i dont want to do anything that is going to hurt our relationship Hayley
i know i use pot excessively
i just use it as a crutch and i wont let it be a problem for us
i like you way too much to let weed get in the way of how much i enjoy you
just know that okay
Hayley
I don't have a problem with you smoking weed. I just don't like going to your house and spending 90% of my time alone.
And it's like that every time.
Max
i am sorry i didnt think of it like that
i cant say anything other than you are right
Hayley
i know you didn't
Max
i just think about myself too much
i understand what you mean and i wouldnt want to come over if it was like that at your house
i have to run to work tonight
well, i have to go to work now lol
Hayley
yeah, don't be late
Max
bye Hayley
Hayley
have a good night at work
I'm not sure if he'll ask if I want to come over when he gets off work like he usually does or if he's going to take this as me not wanting to come over anymore. He's going to have to be pretty convincing to get me to come over... But he'll probably assume I don't want to and go home and get high all night. I know he'd much rather do that anyway. I'm starting to think I'm not the one for him. He just needs a stoner girlfriend. Someone who won't hassle him to get things done. I feel like I'm more of his mom always nagging him about things than his best friend.
I'm just really down and out right now.
At least when I'm depressed, I can blame my "tiredness" on lack of iron when someone else asks what's wrong.
I still haven't shaken the feeling. I'm not sure if I'll go to his house tonight. We talked about the problem today. Briefly... right before he went to work.
Max
hey honey
Hayley
hey
Max
is everything okay?
Hayley
i just re-activated my facebook because johnny wanted me to send a message to rita
Max
okay
Hayley
everything is fine
Max
i should have been there for you on thanksgiving night
Hayley
no, you had plans
i should have just gone home
Max
it was unexpected
i wont let it happen again
Hayley
Well, it's always unexpected.
Max
you are right
i dont have any excuse
Hayley
I want you to spend time with your friends.
I just don't think I should be there since I'm not interested in getting high with everyone.
Max
i totally understand
i dont want to do anything that is going to hurt our relationship Hayley
i know i use pot excessively
i just use it as a crutch and i wont let it be a problem for us
i like you way too much to let weed get in the way of how much i enjoy you
just know that okay
Hayley
I don't have a problem with you smoking weed. I just don't like going to your house and spending 90% of my time alone.
And it's like that every time.
Max
i am sorry i didnt think of it like that
i cant say anything other than you are right
Hayley
i know you didn't
Max
i just think about myself too much
i understand what you mean and i wouldnt want to come over if it was like that at your house
i have to run to work tonight
well, i have to go to work now lol
Hayley
yeah, don't be late
Max
bye Hayley
Hayley
have a good night at work
I'm not sure if he'll ask if I want to come over when he gets off work like he usually does or if he's going to take this as me not wanting to come over anymore. He's going to have to be pretty convincing to get me to come over... But he'll probably assume I don't want to and go home and get high all night. I know he'd much rather do that anyway. I'm starting to think I'm not the one for him. He just needs a stoner girlfriend. Someone who won't hassle him to get things done. I feel like I'm more of his mom always nagging him about things than his best friend.
I'm just really down and out right now.
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