Late Night

Well it's 2am (this post is going to say 10pm, but I did that because I knew I would be writing this in the AM hours, so I went ahead and saved a draft in yesterday's date). I just finished writing a paper. I mean, it's an 800-word paper, but that's pretty short by college standards. I know next year, at real school, I'll be writing 10-page papers. To put that into perspective, 800 words is about 3 pages.

Yeah, so other than Art History class, that paper is the only thing I did today. I suck.

Your opinions on:
Abortion?
I am pro-choice. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm "pro-abortion" which is what pro-lifers don't seem to understand. I just don't believe in taking away that choice. And whether abortion is legal or not, abortion rates are going to stay the same. So, it might as well me legal and SAFE.

Sex before marriage?
I don't see a problem with premarital sex. Some kids need to grow up before having sex, NOT have sex to grow up.

Having children before marriage?
If BOTH parents plan to take care of the child, and even better if it is a planned pregnancy, then by all means.

Teen pregnancy?
I read somewhere that teen pregnancy is at it's lowest that his been at in, like, decades. I found that surprising considering I feel like we're in a baby boom. Teenage parents are not ideal parents. If you're going to be that irresponsible, you should gain some responsibility pretty damn quick and don't leave your child to be raised by his/her grandparents. Sixteen and pregnant? Sixteen and stupid.

Mature pregnancy (40+)?
I don't that 40+ is an ideal age to have kids, BUT I do feel parents of that age are very capable of caring for parents, and definitely more so than teenagers. (I'm keeping in mind that my dad was 40 when I was born).

Birth control?
YES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, USE IT.

Marriage?
I feel like marriage is a lost cause. It meant something once upon a time, but society has changed. It's fast-paced and ADD and no one can commit to a person any longer than they can keep their attention on a Youtube video that exceeds two minutes.


Teen marriages?
Every I went to high school with who didn't already have a baby is getting engaged. I think they're all naive and stupid.

Open relationships/marriages?
Hell, if both people in the relationship are genuinely happy that way, go for it!

Polygamy/Plural marriage?
Same answer as above, though I think in these cases, the wives, as much as they pretend to be, are not happy. I think everyone deserves to be happy...

Pornography?
I don't care for it one way or the other. It's not harming anybody, so why not?

Prostitution?
Really, that's just unsanitary and spreads diseases. I'm not for it.

War?
I don't agree with it, and I believe ideally there should be know war. But I'm smart enough to know that war is inevitable and will never end. So, I accept there's not much we can do about it.

Military?
I'm proud of (most) our military because they're actually doing something. Instead of flipping burgers, they're fighting for the rest of our rights to shove those burgers down our throats. Of course, there are always a few bad apples (the ones we hear about on the news), but you'll find those anywhere.

Death penalty?
I'm really on the fence with this one. On the one hand, I don't believe it's right to take anybody's life. But on the other hand, I believe some people just should not exist. I don't know...

Taxes?
Makes the world go round. (ha!) No, but I'm not ignorant enough to say, "there should be no taxes!" I just wish our tax dollars actually went towards something productive and useful and actually towards this country instead of thousand-dollar haircuts and beach houses (mansions, rather) for people who do nothing but argue and disagree all damn day.

Legalization of Marijuana?
I don't really care if it's legal or not. I feel that if it did become legal, it's use would diminish. Like prohibition. (I could write paragraphs upon paragraphs about this, but I'm kinda tired and need to wake up in 3 hours, so I'm not going to take the time to do that).

Drinking age?
Kids are going to drink at whatever age they damn well please.

Politics?
Probably the worst thing to ever happen to this planet.

Homosexual marriage?
Let gays marry each other! Maybe they'll set a good example of how to actually STAY together. Maybe instead of "taking the sanctity out of marriage" they'll put some meaning back into it. And two people of ANY gender getting married does not affect anyone else except those two people alone. I really don't understand why anyone else would care or put so much fucking effort into something that doesn't even concern them. Oh, but it goes against the hate-book of your religion? This nation was founded on the FREEDOM of religion (not yours alone, religious OPPRESSION is what we ran away from when we created this nation). Also, there is such thing as separation of church and state. I take that back, there's SUPPOSED to be such a thing.

Homosexual adoption?
I'm all for it. Adoption is actually getting and PAYING for a child that you WANT. As opposed to getting knocked up and feeling obliged to look after this thing that "ruined your life." Also, it has been proven that gay communities are among the safest, thus, an excellent environment for children to be brought up in.

Global warming?
I'm not sure. I believe it's just earth's natural cycle, but humans may be catalyzing it.

Hunting?
If it's your means of survival, then by all means. That's the order of things. I don't like it for sport though. I think it's cruel. Unfortunately, I grew up in the south and have been around it all the time.

Equality?
I absolutely believe in equality and wish it existed.

World peace?
In my mind, that would be ideal. But I know it is also impossible.

Evolution?
Wasn't this on the last section of the survey? Yes, I believe in Evolution. Until something that makes more sense comes a long (it won't).

Religion?
In one sense, I see religion as a good thing. Instead of taking the time to explain all of this, you know the morals and keeping people "good" stuff, I'm just going to make a few key points. I think it's kind of shitty that people need an incentive not to be bad. I think it's nice for children who feel alone to find comfort in a God watching over them and protecting them. But for the most part, I think religion is evil, especially organized religion, and does nothing but spawn brainwashed drones who are taught, drilled even, to do as they are told, always, without question.

Racism?
Something that I can't believe still exists today. We should be more civilized now, but as long there are stereotypes, and people actually BEING those stereotypes, there will be prejudices.

Cosmetic surgery?
Disgusting. I think plastic surgery makes people look worse 99% of the time. If it's something like a skin graft for a burn victim, then yeah I'm all for it. Or something that promotes a healthier life style, like gastric bypass, then I think that's great. But if you want bigger boobs or lips or less wrinkles, then you just need to fall in a hole.

Divorce?
More common than marriage nowadays.

Free speech?
Absolutely. Nobody should be punished for simply saying their own views on something.

And if I kept all of my promises to you...

...would it be possible for you to do the same?

This one is a little late today because I actually just got done hanging out with people, which is almost always a nice time.

Well, today Nikki and I went on an adventure. We walked to a record store up the street. I bought a Beatles Interview CD for like 5 bucks. I'm going to give it to my dad. Figure it's something interesting and new for him to listen to. (Not "new" cuz I'm sure he heard them when they happened, but it's something different). We spent a little too much time in the record store.

Then we walked to Kroger and did the second half of our grocery shopping. But by the time we were done, it was dark outside. We didn't want to walk home in the dark a mile+ away carrying groceries. That's dangerous! So, we called up Eric, and he came and got us cuz he's a good friend and an awesome guy. Then we cooked dinner and Dillon came over and Eric came over. And we ate food and watched tv (Mostly To Catch a Predator lol) and had a gay old merry time. It was nice.

Oh, we didn't watch the superbowl. For some reason, I have never liked the Giants, so I was a little disappointed.

Here's the next part:

Your beliefs on:
God?
I do not believe in a God or the possibility of one. I don't want to sound like one of those arrogant atheists who are just as closed-minded as Christians, but I firmly do not believe and cannot fathom even the possibility of something so illogical as a higher being.

Angels?
Of course not.

Demons?
Obviously not...

Heaven and hell?
Absolutely not.

Aliens?
I believe we can't be the only living beings in this entire universe. Whether they have visited our planet or not, I have no opinion one way or the other.

Ghosts?
I don't believe in ghosts, and this is a recent thing I've crossed off my list. There's just nothing logical about the existence of ghosts.

Witches/Witchcraft?
Well... yes, I believe these exists, but I don't believe in magic. Wicca is a thing, and followers of such a religion are termed "witches."

Magic?
Silly.

The devil?
Not at all.

Vampires?
I'm not a toddler anymore.

Miracles?
Maybe happy coincidences.

Luck?
I like to use the term "lucky" and such, but I think everything happens at random.

Karma?
I'd like to believe in karma. It's a nice concept. And I do say things happen because of karma, but, again, deep down, I don't believe in it being an actual thing.

Destiny/Fate?
I believe everything happens at random. There is no reason for anything.

Time travel?
Nope.

Love?
This whole survey has made me seem like such a cynic. I'm mostly a skeptic and question everything. I've questioned the existence of real, actual "love" a lot. I believe it exists, but it's very rare.

Psychics?
Full of shit.

Creation?
Load of shit.

Evolution?
Yes, definitely.

Your beliefs on the apocalypse, when and how?
If we don't wipe ourselves out with nuclear warfare/radiation or overpopulation/diminished resources, etc, then the sun will die, as all stars do, millions, perhaps billions, of years from now and end this solar system.

What do you believe happens when we die?
Absolutely nothing. Once your heart stops beating, that's it.

Are you religious or spiritual?
Neither.

If so, what religion do you follow?
Science. "The devil's tool"

If you were to marry, would you include your religion?
I've thought about that, actually. I think eventually I'd like to marry someone with similar beliefs as myself. Mostly so our kids won't be raised with conflicting beliefs (I don't want to push any beliefs on my kids. If they grow up and decide they want to be devout, hardcore, bible-thumping Christians, then that'll be their own choice). This means that I know I'm not going to end up marrying Nate ever. Unless by some chance he becomes a non-believer. Then I'd feel unbelievably (no pun intended lol) guilty.


So, I took a "color genetics" test earlier. It's funny how I just got finished saying I don't believe in pretty much anything, then here I am doing silly online psychology tests. But psychology is a science, and I believe in science. So, that said, these results are scarily accurate.

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised.

You are prepared to establish a particular relationship that is being made available to you at this time. It could be a satisfactory liaison but there could be a certain amount of conflict involved -try to avoid direct confrontation at all costs.

You are experiencing more than your fair share of stress following an acute disappointment. This may be the result of subconscious conflict between hope and necessity. The tension that you are experiencing following your unfulfilled hopes have given rise to anxious uncertainty. You have no doubt that things could get better in the future and so you refuse to make the necessary essential decisions. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decisions, you are likely to vacillate and concern yourself with trivialities of little consequence.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

Now, I don't know if this is just so generic that anyone can find some situation in their current life to relate to it or what, but the part that I put in bold definitely hits pretty hard. And with the content of this blog as evidence, it's quite obvious what that part is about. The last part isn't so true. Mostly because I've already resolved all that. I told myself a long time ago that my problems are caused by me and me alone. I've already figured out that it's easier to smile than to be miserable all the time. Though, I do still get miserable. I just don't stay stay that way for unbearable amounts of time...

Are you okay?

Today, Nikki, J.T., and I had lunch at Pei Wei (I don't know why so many people say they don't like it. I think it's pretty good). Then we spent way too much time in Target, but we did get some groceries and things we needed! But fuck Target for groceries. They're way too expensive. Then I deposited my check. Um... not much else happened today.

Here's the next part of the survey:

Appearance.
Do you think you're beautiful?
I don't know. I really, really hate the word beautiful. It has been diluted so much. I think I'm easy on the eyes. I mean, I don't have low self esteem. There are specific assets of mine that I don't like, but those are specific things. And everybody has those.

Eye colour?
They're really mostly brown at first glance. In bright lighting, they can look gold-ish, and close up, they're green around the edges. But the short answer is: brown. Or light brown.

Glasses/contacts?
Both.

Natural hair colour?
Dull light brown.

Current hair colour?
Darker brown.

Hair length?
Just above my shoulders.

Skin colour?
Pasty.

Height?
5'3"

Weight?
~110

Body shape?
Um... normal? Oh, thin, I guess.

Bra size?
32C (I think it's a conspiracy. I refuse to believe they're C)

Clothing size?
Um... Medium? I wear size three in pants. Medium in everything else. There's too many different sizes for different articles of clothing!

Shoe size?
6.5-7

Tattoos?
N/A

Piercings?
N/A

Birthmarks or moles?
I have a small mole on my chest at the base(?) of my right boob. Yes, I said it.

The feature you get compliments about the most?
I really don't know. If people compliment me at all, I don't keep up with it.

Your favourite feature?
I like the shape of my eyes and my eyebrows. And my arms. Is that weird?

What makeup do you wear?
Just foundation pretty much. Mostly because everything else is a bitch to wash off.

Any special beauty products you use without fail/Beauty tips?
I dunno. I'm not that much of a girly girl.

Any fashion don'ts?
Um. Not that I can think of at the moment.

Are you on a diet, if so what?
No. I should eat healthier though. Maybe I'd feel less shitty all the time.

Have you ever had/wanted cosmetic surgery? If so what?
Never had it; don't want none.

Do you wear a wig/hair extensions?
Nope.

Are your nails real, all yours and natural?
Au naturale.

Do you wear false lashes?
Never.

Do you wear false tan or catch a real tan?
Real tan. Even though that's deadly.

What would you say your style is?
Whatever I want!

Every women should own..?
Pepper spray. It's not safe for women to even exist in this world anymore.

Do you have a fashion fetish?
Not at all.

What clothing do you feel sexiest in?
Um... something I'm not uncomfortable in.

You'll always be found wearing?
Clothes. Yes. You will never see me not wearing clothes. Unless at some point we are in, and have been for quite awhile, a very intimate romantically involved relationship.

So, as I was filling out this part of the survey, I was texting Nate. The conversation went as follows:

(several hours ago... this was sent after MANY hours of zero textual communication)
Nate: I just got back from the mall. I'm sorry I didn't text that much [Hayley's commentary: "that much"=not at all], it was really busy there. So how bout I saw someone that looked almost exactly like you and I'm like OMG BABY GIRL but it wasn't you..... It made me sad

By now, I'm just really tired of the the ignoring. I was obviously not in the mood to be all chipper and enthusiastic, so I wasn't. I texted in the same tone how I felt. And I didn't add anything to the conversation because I didn't know the next time it would be answered. I didn't really care to put any effort into continuing the conversation. Such as it goes...

Me: It was my real twin. We were separated at birth.
Nate: Are you busy baby? If not how was your day?
Me: Not busy at all. My day was pretty good. Finally got some things done that we needed. Now I'm just sitting alone. All my roommates are gone for the night.
Nate: I'm watching the Boondock Saints at the moment :). Why are you sitting alone, you should be out partying it up in memphis. And where is nikki and are you happy to be alone?
Me: Nikki went Dillon's. I don't like partying here. And I enjoy being alone.
(2 hours later)
Nate: Baby.... when you say that I feel kinda sad. Idono why, I think just because I
really wana see you and make you not lonely anymore. I keep fading in and out of consciousness. Are you tired yet?
Are you ok....? Like how are you doing?
Me: I'm okay. Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. And when I'm lonely, I'm not always alone. Why don't you go to sleep then?
Nate: Because I want to keep talking to you.
Me: But we haven't even been talking.
Nate: And thats a good enough reason for me baby :). I like talking to you cuz it makes everything seem better with the world. Makes shit less shitty uno
Yea well that's a reason to stay up. So we can keep talking unless you don't want to?
Me: You should listen to Life Ain't So Shitty by Blind Melon. One of my favorite songs. Then again, every Blind Melon song is one of my favorites.
I have no reason not to want to...
Nate: I think you've showed that song to me before. Okay seriously is something wrong....? You seem really different tonight.
Wana skype
Me: Nothing. I'll get on Skype.

Then we skyped for a minute. I did enjoy looking at his face. Even if he completely and absolutely SUCKS at communication, I still like his face.

I've been seeing creatures...

...getting comfortable around this place.

Oh, Friday. My weeks are so long now. Probably because this semester I have 5 days a week as opposed to just 3 days a week. Fridays are always fresh days, I suppose.

I'm so tired... I plan to go to bed soon (yes, this early) and sleep for a very, very long time.

I got my check today. It's $300 less than I was expecting. I was hoping it would be the same amount as last semester. I don't know why it went down. It's still a lot of money though, it'll just be hard to stretch it over the next 4 months.

Um... as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to use this post to complain about the same person I always do. It's just the same shit as always. I've really been considering what I considered back in December. It's just... I don't know. I'm really on the fence.

I want to do this survey, but it's super long. So I'm going to break it up over a few days.

Basic information.
Describe yourself/personality in positive points:
I'm nice and friendly and extremely understanding and accepting.

Describe yourself/personality in negative points:
I'm still too shy to really make new friends. I'm getting better though.

Full name?
Hayley Lynn Warf.

Nicknames?
People call me Wolf Haley sometimes. Too bad I think Tyler, The Creator makes shitty music. AJ calls me Young Hayley. Idk why he does, but I like that name much better.

Birthday?
March 2, 1993.

Birthplace/home town?
Nashville/Dickson, TN

Current home location?
Memphis, TN

Nationality?
American.

Ethnicity?
Pasty.

Sexual preference?
Boys.

Relationship status?
Taken, loosely.

Living situation?
I live in a dorm full of pretentious hipsters.

Parents?
I have some, yes. They're divorced. I get along with both of them. My mom is the one I've live with most of my life. My daddy never says "no" to me, but in no way am I spoiled or "a princess" because of it. I just got really upset... I miss home.

Any siblings?
Johnny, Josh, Ryan, and Caleb. (I have a step sister too, but I don't really know her anymore).

Any children?
Nope. Don't expect any anytime soon.

Any pets?
Taz is my bby. :3 He's a chow/pit mix.

Zodiac sign?
Pisces. Though I don't believe in anything supernatural and I think it's all made-up bullshit, I have always found my sign to be uncannily fitting.

Your job/career?
I have none yet. I'm working toward one, but I don't know if any of this is worth it. I can only hope so.

Completed education?
High school and one semester of college so far.

Schools from first to last/current:
SBES, TGES, WAWES, DMS, DCHS, and MCA. (I went to 3 elementary schools-that was during my parents' divorce).

How often do you smoke?
Never.

How often do you drink alcohol?
I drank on New Years, and that was the first time in several months.

How often do you do drugs?
Never.

How often do you smoke weed?
Wouldn't that fall under the category of "doing drugs?" Some may argue "no." Those people are stupid.

How often do you work out?
Not enough.

Do you have a criminal record? If so, why?
Not as far as I know. Because I don't break the law.

Are you a virgin?
The other night on the shuttle, Dimitri sat next to me and said "I'm sitting next to you. You're not as likely to get killed." or something along those lines. I asked why, and he said, "Because you're white... and possibly a virgin." I had to suppress a snort of laughter. I was not expecting that.

If not, how old were you, where did you lose it and who to?
Though all these things can be figured out through deductive reasoning, I believe this is really only my business.

Do you regret it?
I have very few, if any, regrets in life.

Do you drive? (if so, what)
No. I haven't gotten around to that just yet...

Your fears/Phobias?
Pills. Tornadoes. Death.

Your weakness?
Cute animals. Like puppies and bunnies. :3

Special talents?
I don't think I have any. I'm not being modest either. Like, I can't play any instruments and I'm not all that creative. I suppose I can be good at English, but only by comparison because this nation is fucking stupid now. I'm not going to say art because I believe anybody can do what I do, so it's not that special.


I'll do the rest of this over the next few days... if I feel like it. I'm going to sleep now.

The Rain

It's cute how all these guys text me all the time, but my own boyfriend hardly does. I understand he's busy and responsible with doing his homework all the time. But as I've said before, texting is minimal effort. It's not going to take away from your very extensive studiousness to send a quick response... I dunno. I'll never get used to this.

Besides, I know he doesn't have that much homework. I'm sure he has a lot, but not hours on end of it all day every day.

I dunno. Like, it used to feel like he was ignoring me. Now it feels like he's avoiding me. I know when he finally does text me back it'll be just to say he's going to bed. So, I'm just going to go ahead and go to bed first instead of staying up and waiting for what I already know is coming.

And, like, the other night he called me to ask me the name a movie or something, and at the end of the conversation he asked if I wanted to skype later, and I said yes. Well, he never brought it back up again and eventually told me he was going to bed, and I didn't tell him so, but I was very disappointed. I had my hopes up...

Yesterday he asked if I was okay. I asked why and he said I seemed unhappy. I told him I'm always unhappy, so I should just seem normal. I explained to him that I don't make it obvious because it's nobody's problem but mine. Which is true. No one else cares, and they shouldn't.

In other news, procrastination has gotten no better... I've been doing pretty good at keeping up with my work, but tomorrow, I will be a bit behind. I have a project due tomorrow (which I did tonight), and I'm supposed to have a lot of stuff in my sketchbook too, but the sketchbook stuff hasn't been done. Cerberus isn't going to check that until Feb.7th though. So I got time.

I get my check tomorrow! I could have gotten it today, but by the time I remembered, I had to go to class. So, hopefully tomorrow I'll be about $900 richer. It has to last me until May though. I can do it.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.