Schism

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them fall away.

I've got quite a bit to say. It's 1am and Thanksgiving is now over.

So, I left Memphis at 11pm and got to Hermitage at 3am... The next day, I watched The Blues Brothers for the first time with Robert and Judge. Pretty good movie. Then Nikki and Fonz came over. Yep, Fonz drove all the way from Dickson to hang out! It was fun. We watched Dead Snow, which was a little cheesy.

Today was Thanksgiving. ("was" because technically it's now Friday). I got to see my family, excluding Caleb.

I always get sad on these family Holidays because Daddy spends them alone. I love my family, but I'd like for Daddy to be there too. I really want to see him. I'd like to spend Thanksgiving with him... I'm going to make it a point to absolutely go see him while I'm home. I've got to squeeze a lot into my schedule, but I'll do it.

So, Nick brought his current girlfriend Autumn and Pamp. I already like Autumn more than his last girlfriends. And I actually did get to see Pamp. I almost expected not to. We actually had a hell of a lot of fun. The whole day was fun, but Pamp and I wrestled most the time haha.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Nate. I suspect something big, relationship-wise, to happen. I'll talk about it later.

I hope to go to my dad's house on Saturday. Then maybe Nikki will come over that night and we'll go back to Memphis on Sunday.

The thing about that is I'm not sure if Nikki is going back to Memphis. Which makes me extremely anxious. Long story short, her mom is being evicted and Nikki needs to stay and help her move, and she doesn't know if she's coming back to school these last two weeks.

If she doesn't come back, she will fail all of her classes. If she fails (even one class), she no longer receives financial aid. If she quits receiving financial aid, there's no way she can come back to school next semester. If she drops out of school, there's no way she can go to Chicago, where she originally planned to go and was going to go to next year.

I just really hope everything works out for everybody...

Strange Times

Never underestimate a girls ability to find things out. That is one of my favorite phrases and it will always hold true with me. I amaze myself sometimes. Really, I do.

So, I was a little curious and I found some things out. I must say, my results were absolutely adorable. I know this makes no sense to anyone but me. And when I come back and look at this in the future, it probably won't even make sense to me anymore. I felt better about myself after my "research" though.

Let's just say I discovered someone's initial feelings toward me, and they were in no way negative.

So, lately, I've had such a huge boost of self-esteem. It's true, unfortunately, that people like to hit on you when you're not single. Next time I am single, I know I won't have this much attention. I don't get it. People want what they can't have. I've never felt more wanted in my life, and it's kind of a good feeling, but it also tears me apart. I'm bringing other people down, and I never like doing that. :/

Okay, so I'm just going to say it. ^That concerns mainly Pamp. He keeps thinking he can steal me away from Nate. I've never been in a situation like this before. I very much love talking to him, but there is no way I'm going to get back together with him. He must be delusional! And I don't know why he cares so much about this anyway. I live 300 miles away. When he went far away, he couldn't stay faithful. He tries saying that Nate is far away surrounded by girls and I don't know what he's doing. Yes, that is true. But the difference between Pamp and Nate is that Nate is not a player. Pamp has mastered the game.

That doesn't mean I'm not tremendously flattered. However, I guess it's my turn to make him feel stupid.

Not only him though. There's also Dann always coming on to me since he moved back to Dickson and in the last couple of months, I've had three guys from high school confess their crushes on me haha.

All these happenings lately... I've made playlists for people in my life, past and present. If only those people could hear these songs and see how I really feel. I don't think any of them would even know how to access them, let alone know they're about them.

So... in current events, I only have one day of class tomorrow, then I get to go home for 5 days! :3 Don't tell anyone, but I'm probably going to see Pamp on Thanksgiving. That's what he says anyway. I don't feel guilty about it though because it's not like anything is going to happen. I don't know what he expects, but he better not get his hopes up. I'll crush them. Oh! Revenge is a dish best served cold, isn't it?

Ha, I'm not malicious, and I never intended revenge. If I wanted revenge, I would date him again and cheat on him, but that ain't how I do. I have too much of a heart for that. Plus, I'm a dog person by nature.

;)

I'm also going to see Nate. I feel it will be eventful. I hope all this dullness in our relationship inflates back into greatness. I feel like he's completely oblivious to just how dull it is. He thinks I'm a safe bet, that this is a sure thing. We may have to have a serious talk. Yes, one of those "We need to talk" moments. He needs to know that this isn't a sure thing. We still need to put effort into. It's not gonna just be.

I almost feel like I just want to go off and be independent for awhile. I kinda just want to be me. A single, solitary being. I don't want to break up with Nate though. I really couldn't do that to him. He would be devastated, and I just couldn't do that.

So, anyway. I get to see my family on Thanksgiving. That will be fun. I'm so lucky to have an awesome family. Caleb won't be there though. I found out that when he gets out of boot camp in January, he's going straight to school in South Carolina. And we may not be able to attend his Basic graduation because it's going to be in Chicago in January and that's not the best time for weather in Chicago... We shall see.

Well, I need to get started on my homework. After Thanksgiving break, there's only two weeks of the semester left, and I need to get on top of things!

Everything's the same here; it's just a little worse

Well, everything is the same here... it just keeps getting worse. The person who was making me happy quit talking to me because he kept coming on to me, and I told him I have a boyfriend. I thought he knew! Then he just frowny-face'd all over the place and quit talking to me. So much for that.

Now I'm back to being ignored.

I'm hoping he'll text me again anyway. Girls having boyfriends never seemed to be a problem with him before. Especially when he had a girlfriend of his own...

And to think I almost considered letting people know about this place.

Normally, I clean around here. I do all the dishes without complaining because I know no one else will. And when they get piled up, Liz (as I will dub her), one of my roommates, will be all passive aggressive about it and drop hints that someone should do the dishes. I don't see why she doesn't take matters into her own hands. If she's got a problem, she can fix it herself. Anyway, one day she was being all passive aggressive like always, and I told her I would do the dishes and that I didn't mind doing them. She said she didn't think I should do them if they aren't my dishes. Well, if that's the way she feels...

So, Liz cooked food for a bunch of *her* friends the other night. Every dish was dirty after that and piled in the sink. I decided I wasn't going to do them because they were her dishes, right? Well, she finally did them, and apparently it was a huge deal. She rearranged the kitchen and designated a whole cabinet to herself and Ali(also dubbed), our other roommate. So, in her mind, it's us against them. Us being Nikki and myself. Now, Ali isn't really in this. I guess Liz just doesn't like us, so she pulled Ali to her side.

Well, Liz updated her Facebook status like the mature adult she is saying she doesn't like "living in dirty places." And now apparently we're all gonna have to get together and talk about this in person. I didn't want to get involved, but I know I have to.

Also, there are so many other things I could say about Liz, like how she took most of her dishes out of the dorm (dishes that everyone was using) and cleaning supplies (like trash bags and dishwasher detergent), and still expects us to be able to clean somehow. It's rude and inconsiderate, and she did it without telling anyone. Shit just kept going missing...

Now, the way I see it, if she hates living with us so much, she should just transfer to a different dorm. She's got all these friends; I'm sure one of them will let her live with them. The school makes it extremely easy to move too, so that shouldn't be a problem.

Anyway... I guess that's my ranting for the day.

In other news, only four more weeks until this shit is over... for a month anyway. Then I have to come back next semester... AJ keeps telling me not to leave, but I don't see why anyone would care if I left or not. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point.

- - - - - -

EDIT:

MFW he texted me:


Things are looking up already.

Talking

I've been talking to someone I probably shouldn't be. I can't help it though. He actually TALKS to me. I'm so tired of being ignored. :/ The person who should be making me happy, isn't. And the person who most definitely shouldn't make me happy, does! So, whatever. Do whatever makes you happy, right?

Too bad I'm not happy anymore.

The summer was good. I miss that. I don't feel it's safe to relay my exact thoughts about everything here... maybe I'll write them down in a draft. Or maybe I'll build up the courage to write them here.

It's just, the cute texts... at the time when I get them, they seem all sweet and I push all my doubts to the side... But mostly I wonder if he's reassuring me or really just trying to convince himself. I just don't like this anymore. But at the same time, I don't know what I would do without it. And I don't know if I'd be happy either way...

- - - -

EDIT: It's now 3:30 in the morning and I just got done hanging out with other college kids for once. And, for once, I actually enjoyed myself, despite the raging headache, despite the fact that the first bunch of people I hung out with were all drunk, despite everything - I had fun. I kinda regret staying up this late though cuz it's gonna fuck up my already skewed sleeping pattern. But, I got the bulk of bearable people tonight, and it was worth it. Not quite "just what I needed," but pretty damn close. I forgot about my worries for a minute.

This is it for now

I'm starting to wonder what I'm missing out on. I'm just so tired of being ignored. It's getting progressively worse. This isn't how it was supposed to be...

I don't know what to do about it. It makes me feel kinda sad and empty inside. And you know me: I haven't said anything to him about it. :/ I don't want to bring it up...

Nikki and Dillon are already arguing. That shouldn't be happening so early in a relationship. I've accepted their relationship, so I tried to give her advice to keep it together.

Oh, so I'm home this weekend. The first night I was home, Nick came over and we watched A Clockwork Orange and Inglourious Basterds. That was fun. I always enjoy hanging out with him. Makes me happy. :) Yesterday I went shopping. Today the whole family came over. Caleb goes under the Navy's wing tomorrow, and I return to Memphis...

I'd talk about what has happened since my other post, but I have to strain really hard to remember things... So, this is it for now.