Talking

I've been talking to someone I probably shouldn't be. I can't help it though. He actually TALKS to me. I'm so tired of being ignored. :/ The person who should be making me happy, isn't. And the person who most definitely shouldn't make me happy, does! So, whatever. Do whatever makes you happy, right?

Too bad I'm not happy anymore.

The summer was good. I miss that. I don't feel it's safe to relay my exact thoughts about everything here... maybe I'll write them down in a draft. Or maybe I'll build up the courage to write them here.

It's just, the cute texts... at the time when I get them, they seem all sweet and I push all my doubts to the side... But mostly I wonder if he's reassuring me or really just trying to convince himself. I just don't like this anymore. But at the same time, I don't know what I would do without it. And I don't know if I'd be happy either way...

- - - -

EDIT: It's now 3:30 in the morning and I just got done hanging out with other college kids for once. And, for once, I actually enjoyed myself, despite the raging headache, despite the fact that the first bunch of people I hung out with were all drunk, despite everything - I had fun. I kinda regret staying up this late though cuz it's gonna fuck up my already skewed sleeping pattern. But, I got the bulk of bearable people tonight, and it was worth it. Not quite "just what I needed," but pretty damn close. I forgot about my worries for a minute.

This is it for now

I'm starting to wonder what I'm missing out on. I'm just so tired of being ignored. It's getting progressively worse. This isn't how it was supposed to be...

I don't know what to do about it. It makes me feel kinda sad and empty inside. And you know me: I haven't said anything to him about it. :/ I don't want to bring it up...

Nikki and Dillon are already arguing. That shouldn't be happening so early in a relationship. I've accepted their relationship, so I tried to give her advice to keep it together.

Oh, so I'm home this weekend. The first night I was home, Nick came over and we watched A Clockwork Orange and Inglourious Basterds. That was fun. I always enjoy hanging out with him. Makes me happy. :) Yesterday I went shopping. Today the whole family came over. Caleb goes under the Navy's wing tomorrow, and I return to Memphis...

I'd talk about what has happened since my other post, but I have to strain really hard to remember things... So, this is it for now.

And such and so forth

I feel like this blog is becoming more a chore and less of a hobby.

I feel the same way about art!

Anyway, It's hard for me to remember what has happened since my last update.

I've been going to bed at 5am, spending ALL of my time on the internet, and getting absolutely nothing done.

So, a week ago, Nikki and I creeped on facebook and found our pizza guy. All we knew about him was that his name is Dillon and he most likely lived in Memphis. Haha. And we found him... I felt so creepy. Anyway, we added him on Facebook AND Tumblr. And we invited him over. Since then, he's been over every other night pretty much, and he's actually pretty damn cool. We all have a lot in common. So, he's fun to hang out with.

...except for the fact that Nikki is hooking up with him. I wouldn't care if he wasn't kinda my friend too. But now I feel like I'm just going to become a third wheel.

Maybe if I spoke up about these things more often, they wouldn't bother me so much. But I never say anything. I don't want to be a nuisance.

Speaking of things that bother me... I'm not really happy being in a long-distance relationship. I know I'm supposed to be able to say whatever I want here, but I'm not going to. Just lately, I haven't been happy.

His texts, especially the endearing ones, are so random, but at the same time extremely suspicious. I can't help but to feel history is repeating itself. I've seen all of this before, just not to this extent. Maybe one day this will all be explained. In time... but well know when I say I'll explain something "one day," I never do.

Well, like right now. He hasn't been texting me much today. From what I've gathered (mostly from Facebook), he's been spending a lot of time with some girl (I already knew he hung out with a lot of girls, but this is a specific one). I mean, I really have no reason to worry, right? But anyway, he went to a Halloween thing last night and stayed the night at a friend's house. And tonight he told me he has been "hating himself" today. And I told him not to do that. After awhile he sent said, "Baby you mean everything to me, I wouldn't trade you for the world. I couldn't possibly put into words how I feel about you." And then, "I'm ecstatic that you're my girlfriend Hayley. I hope you had a wonderful day.;)" It's just... I'm a cynic and extremely skeptical of all things. Especially when things seem too nice and out of the blue...

And it makes me feel like a bad person for being so skeptical, but it's kind of a force of habit. This has happened to me before, and I really don't want to get hurt again because if it were to happen this time, it would be so much worse.

I just hope that if anyone knows anything, they'll let me know.

So, Last night Nikki, Dillon, and I went to a Halloween party. It was a school event created by the Student Alliance (same thing as a student council). So I didn't have to worry about Freshmen being drunk and acting stupid. It was kind of underwhelming though. We didn't stay long.

I really wanted to go home this weekend for Halloween. They had a bonfire down at the Cut. :/ I would have loved to be there. I called my dad yesterday, and he was down by the bonfire. I asked if anyone was dressed up, and he said, "just as a bunch of dumbasses." haha. I wish I could have been a dumbass with them. ):

I was a droog for Halloween btw. I borrowed black suspenders from a guy downstairs. He didn't have white, but black suspenders are better than no suspenders!

Tonight, Dillon was here to pick up Nikki (so she can go to his place for the night... again), but she knocked on my door and said that Dillon wanted me to come down too. When we got downstairs, he handed each of us a bag of candy and told us Happy Halloween. Haha, such a sweet gesture!

I've had four days to catch up on my homework and have done none of it. I'm going to regret this at 4 o clock tomorrow morning...

Caleb goes off to boot camp in 9 days. I might be going home this weekend if anyone cares to come get me...

I think to everyone else, I'm just a nuisance. Well, thanks for pushing me to go to school so fucking far away from home. Did you plan to abandon me all along? I'm completely stranded and helpless here, and that's the worst feeling in the world: stuck.

happybirthdayiloveyou

I'm thinking finally I found a love that's true.

6 months and butterflies. That's got to say something, doesn't it?

I got my registration done today. God, this place stresses me out. NOTHING WAS ORGANIZED.

I'm still trying to rebuild my spirit... When I was home, I hated it. I don't miss anything about home. I just miss people. I wish there was a way for me to leave here but not go home. I still hate this place. I want to say I hate my life at this moment in time, but I can't say that. There are some really good things in my life, none of them involving school. Even the people at this school who I somewhat liked have used up all of my tolerance.

Anyway, last night I helped screen print t-shirts for my school's student-run haunted house. We worked for something like 5 hours and finished at 3 in the morning. I want one of those shirts. I could probably get one for free for volunteering and actually WORKING (unlike a lot of the other volunteers), but I don't like asking for free stuff. SO, I will buy one. Nikki was working at the haunted house tonight, and I have her $10 and asked her to buy me a small one. (There are very limited amount of shirts [60], especiallysmalls [~10]). She didn't get one this time so hopefully tomorrow night.

I'm so annoyed and frustrated lately. I know why too. I don't want to say why...

Really, I guess the only thing that really makes me happy and makes me smile and laugh is Nate. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am for him and how lucky I feel. We've officially been together for 6 months, yesterday. Today is his birthday. I'm just waiting to say how we really feel. Don't know when we'll get that chance...

There is a lot more to say about everything here, but I'm really upset, frustrated, annoyed , and mostly tired right now.

One Day At A Time

Yep. Definitely getting depressed again. I can't stand myself.

I did get to see daddy and Taz. To my surprise, there were puppies! I knew we had puppies, but I kinda forgot because I wasn't home when they were born. Then when I was reminded of them, I didn't expect them to be very big, but when I got to my dad's house they were running around. They're so adorable! I want them all! There's four of them: two boys, two girls. Two of them look like Bill. Little black fluffy balls of cute fluff with curly tails. One of them looks like that but with white on his mouth, feet, and chest. ADORABLE! The runt looks like a little chihuahua with rottweiler markings. Haha. I had a cute overload that day. :3

Too bad I have no idea what lies in their futures. I can only hope they go to good homes.

Later that day (which was Monday), I got to hang out with Fonz! We didn't do much. Just hung out. Haha. It was nice though. I haven't gotten to see him in a long time. Logan came over too to hang out with Caleb. Nick and I picked up Nikki at midnight.

The next day, we were Memphis-bound. After getting a later start, we made it back to Memphis by 4:30 and to the concert at 6. Stood outside in the cold and wetness for awhile. Luckily, some girls we got to school with were near the front of the line, so we totally skipped line to go stand with them. B) Haha, too bad though. Nikki wanted food, so we left thinking we had a secure spot in line. Nope, when we got back, the line had split into two lines. The girls we know were in the "Already have Tickets" line. We had to be in the "Will Call" line... the back of it. Oh well. The concert was fun.

Bad Rabbits puts on a great show. They were full of energy and dancy and all that jazz. They were fun.

The Maine was unimpressive live, I'm sorry to say. They weren't bad though. I was expecting to get really annoyed with their fangirls, but they were more tame than expected.

Taking Back Sunday, on the other hand, puts on an unforgettable show! It was a long set with twice as many songs as the other two bands (of course, cuz they're headlining). Adam Lazzara now looks like Snake from The Simpsons. He was even wearing the denim vest/jacket-with-ripped-off-sleeves. Same haircut. Same stubble. Arm tattoos. THE WHOLE GETUP. It was funny. Nikki says they look like a bunch of dad's now (they're not all young and hot like they used to be, especially Adamn. Though, he's still good looking. He's aged much like Leonard DiCaprio has. A little rounder now, but still good-looking. haha). When they went onstage, Nikki called them "Taking Back Father's Day." Lmao. The mic was turned too low, and we couldn't hear him sing, like, at all THE ENTIRE TIME. I can't believe it never got fixed. TBS fanboys annoyed the hell out of me. They were pushing and jumping and hitting people (not violent hitting but accidental hitting, but they could have at least apologized). I had to get away from them. Nikki tried to crowd surf, and when she did, I moved way to the side of the crowd where it was much more calm. Adam came out into the aisles and went to the back of the venue while he was singing the last two songs. I didn't know mic cords could be so long! haha. After Cute Without The E was over (the last song), they all went back stage, but the crowd was cheering for one more song, so a few minutes later, they came out and delivered! Adam and the current backup singer (idk his name) did an acoustic Your Own Disaster. Then the whole band came back out and they did No "I" In Team. Adam sang the last one from the middle of the crowd. Yep. Then I spent $60 ($40 on a hoodie and $20 on a shirt). I was going to buy some of The Maine's merch, but it was more expensive than merch usually is. *rolls eyes*.

Then I had to pay the cab fee for the way home. It was only $12, but I am so broke now. I have $26 in my bank account and maybe $30 in cash. Roughly $50-60 to get me through the next two months. I'm so fiscally irresponsible...

I did enjoy the concert in retrospect, but I wish I could have enjoyed it more. By the time I got home, I was so depressed, I just laid in my bed in the dark. Didn't sleep til 2am though.

So, today I had class. Fall Break wasn't shit. It was so rushed and it wasn't much of a break. My class was pretty easy today. Well, Wednesdays are my easy days. Oh man, I just got so giddy inside realized tomorrow is Friday for me and one of my classes is canceled. Too bad it's not Drawing. I have to do my Drawing homework before tomorrow morning... I also need to register for classes tomorrow and turn in this stupid workstudy form that I thought I would never have to worry about again... I don't know how to go about any of that...

I got my midterm grades today. I was shocked when I saw what I'm making. Three B's and an A! I could have SWORN I was making a C/D in two of my classes. So, I guess that's good. Guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing (which isn't much) and keep just getting by.

I'm so tired now. I only got 5 hours of sleep last night... It would seem I'm ALWAYS tired nowadays, wouldn't it? Well, I am. I'm thankful I'm not sick right now because that would be the icing on the cake.

Although, I better be prepared for anything because it was 80 degrees all last week and this weekend, and today it was 49. TOO COLD!

I have nothing else to say.