Winter Hymns

I promise I won't make a sound because I figure you no longer want me around.

You came up in conversation because of course you did. When you show your face and pretend to be friends with everyone, they're gonna talk about you when it turns out you aren't and you're not around anymore. It doesn't matter what was said.

However, it did got me thinking. I remember when I used to be so worried about letting you down. I remember I was so worried about not being enough for you. I was so willing to change for you. I was willing to be whatever you wanted me to be. That's something I've never been willing to do for anyone.

It turns out I wasn't enough. But you're the one who let me down. My friends don't like you. I mean, they used to. The ones who knew you would tell me they thought you were a good guy. They liked you and were happy for me that you were there for me. They liked that you made me happy, especially when I had no reason to be happy. Not anymore. They can see as much as I can that your timing was terrible. You were just another blow to my happiness and my self esteem.

And this isn't about Jonah. Fuck him.

I think about you much less now. I'm thinking about the good things happening in my life instead of the losses I've suffered.

All I really needed was some closure. All I needed was to be told I'm a piece of shit instead of being left wondering what's wrong with me.

I'm trying to recover. I'm trying hard to believe that this new guy actually likes me. I just can't right now. I'm still not convinced, and I'm not sure what it will take. Because, let's be honest, he probably doesn't. He likes sleeping with me, and that's probably it. But he's nice and good-looking, so I'll take what I can get until it, too, damages me.

I still consider myself strong. I'm just experiencing a lapse in weakness... and have been for some time now. It kills me that this could happen to me. It kills me that this could affect me so fucking much.

And when I think of Jonah I am physically disgusted with myself. It angers me how invested I was. It makes me sick how loyal I was.

What wasted unconditional love on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff... What a cold and common old way to go.

I'm trying my damnedest to never do that again. I will remain guarded until the day I die if it means never feeling so betrayed again. I thought I was smarter than that.

I can only hope I'll be smarter than that now.

I have some parting words for the year, but that deserves a post of it's own. So, without further ado, I'll bid adieu and go back to my private little currently uninterrupted life.