It's gotta be more than just enough.
It's not that I'm not ready...
I'm not sure if I am ready, which probably means I'm not, but I think I could handle it.
I'm pretty sure I was all wrong about it all. I mean, I'm like 98% positive. I'll give myself that 2% margin of error (is that margin of error? I don't know...), in case it all blows up on me. I'll allow that.
I'm just in a mood tonight...
I want it. It's not that I'm not ready, it's just that I have things to deal with first. I'm not sure when it's going to happen, but I'm thinking it probably will (I just don't want to be concrete about anything...). I'll quit being vague: I just miss the little things. The little happy feelings from having someone around. The cute things. I am ready for another relationship. Jack has, so far, proved to be pretty serious about me and me only. Every time I leave town, he asks when I am coming back - multiple times.
I'm gonna take my time and make sure that the feeling's right instead of staying up all night wondering where you are. Miles and miles away in a town in another state, I wanna know if you just can't take the thought of us apart.
He is at my house way too often to even have the time to be seeing anyone else. People are finding out about us. Like, people who are close to us. His friends and my roommates mostly. We were being secretive about it at first, but now I guess we don't care that they know? I don't really care anymore and he doesn't seem to either. I don't know if any of this is any indication that it's serious, but I am here experiencing it in person, and my gut isn't usually wrong.
And now that I realize that he's all about me, it makes me a little uncomfortable. I mean, it all goes back to: why me? I can't help compare myself to his exes (you know I've creeped them all). They're all so pretty and cute and adorable and interesting. What does he see in me? Is it because I was just already here? I have wondered that but shot it down for other reasons. He doesn't seem like the type to do something just because it's easy or just because it's there. I wasn't even single when he started pursuing me. I wasn't even giving him the time of DAY when he started pursuing me. And now that he has gotten what he wanted, many times, (at least what I thought he wanted), he comes around and doesn't even expect sex half the time. We hang out A LOT now without having sex. He'll ask if I want to come over, pick me, take me back to his place, and we fall asleep on the couch. You know, just for my company, I guess. I'm on my period right now, and told him that, which usually means no sex. He suggested sex regardless because he is totally okay and fine with that, but I said no because I am not okay and fine with that (why am I more grossed out by it than he is?). Then again, he is more matured and experienced than I am (is it weird to say that?), and has done that before. Anyway, despite that, he still has been coming over everyday, and we hang out and watch movies and eat dinner.
It's just that in the beginning, I put up my wall. I blocked him emotionally because I didn't know what was going to become of this. If it was just a hit it and quit it, a friends with benefits, if I was only one of many, or just something that would sizzle out... I didn't want to get attached. You know, I kinda failed at that, but the wall is only half down. I think about him a lot, and I do like him, and I get excited every time I see him. But that's all internal. Because I put up the wall in the beginning, it's hard to take it down now. I have been very detached and not open through this, and I'm only just opening up. I guess it's weird because with Max I was open from the beginning. It was so easy and comfortable with him. With Jack, I have to ease into it. It's a mixture of being broken from Max before him and just not knowing him well enough to trust him immediately.
So, I think I'm finally ready to move forward.
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