I am singing all the same

You get a little and you just want more.

I've been in a real cruddy state of mind. I couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking. But I'm beginning to feel better. It feels good just knowing. I'm already making plans to move forward. Not forward in any concrete way, but I guess just moving on. It can't destroy my mental health any further. I'm toughening myself up! Hopefully haha.

I thought I wouldn't see Jack tonight. I thought when I had seen that message between him and Marcia that she said she could hangout "tomorrow," which would be today, but I'm not certain that's what I saw. The only thing I'm certain of is that I saw "When can you hangout?" sent by him. I know he's not interested in just a friendly actual hanging out. It's a means to an end for him. That's how it was with me. Except, now, with me, how can it be a means to an end when there is no end in sight? The end is on my accord.

Of course he messaged me though and said he'd be over later. He's getting food with Mat, which I guess I believe for now. I'll fill you in on what happens next.

I mean, I had the same mentality: I wanted it all. But I didn't fucking take it all. I chose to keep all the options open, but I didn't take them all...

EDIT: Well, we did hang out. And I do mean "hang out" by his definition of the phrase. I just can't be mad with a person when they are here in my presence and not doing anything wrong in front of me. Now, if you blatantly disrespect me or lie to my face (and I know you are lying), I'm gonna turn into a real bitch, but, otherwise... I'm just too nice. I'm just not angry right now. I'm fairly certain he didn't see Marcia at all today. And, I guess, until I am absolutely certain that he is seeing her, I'm going to let this be what it is. Unless it continues to fuck with my emotions. I'm pretty good at disregarding those though... Thanks, literally every single one of my past relationships.

I told N about how I'm considering probably distancing myself from "my fwb" since he's the only one who really knows. He and I have been texting today. He sent me a dick pic... as usual. I did not reciprocate. My dick ain't for cyberspace.

I may spend the weekend with Michael again if my weekend isn't too busy. I'm sure it'll be a lot like last time, lots of drinks and fun.

I'm just working through some things right now.