Cold

I often wonder if I deserve this. Then I remember how much of a piece of shit I am in other aspects of life.

I hate to get this way, but I do feel pretty worthless. Never in the sense of "I'm worthless so I should die," but more in the sense that I posses no skills and have done nothing with my life. I'm not good enough. All I've worked for most of my life is getting this stupid degree, and I'm not even cut out for it. I've always only done just enough to get by, and, somehow, I've excelled by doing the bare minimum at the last minute my entire life. That has only worked for so long, and now I can't seem to be good enough or work hard enough. I just feel so inadequate.

I've been in a bad mood lately. I take it way too god damned personally when Max ignores me. That automatically puts me in a bad mood no matter what. And his communication skills have not been very good lately. And I've been stressing all semester about this portfolio review I've got at the end of the semester. Now it's a week and a half away, and the amount of work I have to do is ridiculous. Why can't the final project be more slow-paced and less shit crammed into a tiny time period so we can have time to revise for our portfolio reviews? Because that would make too much sense. Did I mention that this portfolio review determines whether I can get a degree in Graphic Design or not? Because that's what it's for. And if I don't pass this thing, I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish I could just drop out or at least take a semester off, but I can't afford to pay back student loans right now... A vacation would be nice.

I just feel so empty right now.

I've questioned this degree so much this semester. Is this really what I want to do? I hate the idea of a career. I don't want to do just one thing for the rest of my life. How fucking dull. But I don't want to not have a degree and stuck in shitty minimum-wage jobs for the rest of my life either. I don't know what I'd get a degree in otherwise. My roommate made a pretty good suggestion... I know if I can't do Graphic Design, I will not continue to pursue a degree in art. That's just irresponsible. I'll be poor the rest of my life (I may be poor anyway...). So, I could major in Marketing. Or "Management and Marketing" as my school calls it. It's just a BA... a cop-out generic degree... but it's something. Something broad that will hopefully look good to future employers. It sucks that we have to base our entire worth on one piece of paper.

And now P is texting me. Because he's drunk and basically destroying himself slowly, so of course he has to tell me all about how he's dying. And I guess I'll never know if he's telling the truth until it's too late. I don't want to think about it.

Or anything.