The nerve, the words, you'd think by now I would have learned.
I'm perfectly okay with being alone. I've accepted it and I like it. And, as a matter of fact, I prefer it.
I don't really know what to talk about since the last time I posted. This is going to be in no order.
N(H.) has subtly expressed interest last time I hung out with him. Wants to give me a ride on his bike when he gets another helmet. Heh. That probably won't happen. I'm going to keep a strictly platonic and not-hanging-out-other-than-by-chance relationship with him. No need to drag him back into the mess of my indecisiveness.
I went to Murfreesboro over the weekend and had a pretty great time. I stayed at Logan's new house and met his roommates. They're all cool dudes. I visited MTSU* and visited a few places around town. I'm getting more excited and less nervous about going there.
*Of course, now mom is saying I may not be able to go if we can't afford it. The thing about college is I don't have to pay it all now... that's what I'm getting debt for! That's the privilege of furthering one's education! Bah. I don't want to have to take a year off from school because of money... I don't want to get behind more so than I already am.
So I don't really see where she's coming from.
Random:
My mom always says about anyone that her kids get involved with that she doesn't see them amounting to anything. Or going anywhere in life. Or some form of the same sentiment. She says it about all the guys I hang out with (She never said it about Nate though), and she recently said it about the girl Caleb talks to. It's really annoying actually. I think she gets it from Nana. Nana acts like that: No one is ever good enough for her grandkids. This whole thing was just a bit of a rambling tangent, but she just said something that made me think of it. It makes me hate introducing people to her or answering questions about the guys I hang out with. I don't want her to know any of my business.
Oh, this kind of stems from the new family drama news that my cousin Nick's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. I wasn't too surprised when I found out, but I did think he was smarter than that. Nana's all bent out of shape about it, as well as my aunt (his mom). There's no point in getting so upset over something that has already happened. The only thing to do now is accept it and make the best of it. I wish other people understood that. Nick told me about it first, so I felt weird keeping it from everyone else. But now the whole family is in the know, and it's a huge deal...
I hung out with Robert for a few days last week. These younger guys are always so slick. So they think. I do like him, but he got pretty close, and it made me realize FOR SURE that I am not ready for a relationship right now. I didn't think this would happen. Pamp told me awhile ago that whenever I broke up with Nate, I would use the excuse that I just got out of a long relationship and don't want another one for awhile. I told him that wouldn't happen, but he was so fucking right. Of course, I'm still talking to him. He even knows about all this...
When I told Robert that I don't want a relationship, it seemed to have come as quite a blow. Well, I guess it's about time he learns just how frustrating I can be. "The sooner you realize..."
I think I'm finally going to hang out with Michael again this weekend. I've had to cancel on him the last two weekends in a row. But I actually want to hang out with him. He's a good guy and fun to be around and knows his boundaries and doesn't get upset when I don't want to date him right now. I'm not saying I never would. Just like the other guys I hang out with who I happen to like, I just don't want to date ANYONE right now. He seems to understand that better than the others. Plus, the whole actual "good guy" thing makes me like him a little more. I'm so used to the company of drinkers, smokers, junkies, and jailbirds that it's nice to hang out with someone more like me for once.
My time is very much in high demand lately. I wish everyone knew how much I like to be alone. I'm getting so wore out and exhausted with seeing people every. single. day.
Friday I'll be hanging out with Dillon maybe. And possibly Nikki too. And Sunday I'm going to the river, and will be hanging out with only family, so that should be nice.
Lately, I kinda feel like I'm on some sort of dating show. There are too many options, and I don't want any of this right now. Why can't people just hang out with me to be my friend? :/ I did hang out with Fonz yesterday. It was nice. I needed that. We saw the Abraham Lincoln movie. It was pretty good. We went to Walmart at midnight and hung out with some people (his friends mostly).
This is one of those few rare moments when I wish I had more female friends. Too bad I'm so sexist... I did hang out with DavRicia for about an hour last Friday. We had "girl talk." Meaning I told her things that I've never told anyone. But, hey, she asked... Anyway, it was actually pretty nice. I need more of that. I can talk to her about things that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling any guy. I have things I want to talk about that no guy would want to hear. Because all the guys I hang out with like me in some way, and these things will bother them. I'm not going to do that to them.
I've come to these realizations lately: I am actually pretty sexist against women. I am in a relationship with myself. It's awesome. I may look like a girl, but I'm not going to act like one.
I like being one of the "bros" for now. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to hang out with "the girls" whoever they may be.
This post was long overdue.
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