Just Try

I spent this year as a ghost and I'm not sure what I'm looking for
I'm a voice on a phone that you rarely answer anymore
I came in here alone
Came in here alone
But that doesn't scare me like it did seven months ago
I spent this year as a ghost and I'm not sure where home is anymore

I got the only thing I wanted for Christmas: contacts. Now I don't have to hide my face behind giant inconvenient glasses anymore. There was a time I liked to be hidden behind them, but now I just can't stand them. Contacts are kind of hard to get used to. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore! D: Ha, but that's a good thing.

So, I spent New Year's eve with Nate. He stayed the night. Then I spent New Years day with him. I had my very first New Years kiss ever. I mean, it wasn't anything special to be quite honest. It was a normal thing.

The other night, after I came home from his house, he stayed at my house for 5 hours. We talked. Literally for 5 whole hours. It was very refreshing. We talking about everything under the sun: politics, beliefs, government, the world and space in general, psychology, philosophy. Just stating our opinions. We differ so drastically in our beliefs. He's a Christian and I'm an "atheist" (I hate the term, but it's really the simplest one to use). We talked about that a lot. He kept holding back as to not offend me even though I told him that no matter what he says I will not get offended. Very little things offend me. I really don't know what we even have in common... We both like to watch movies. That's about it haha. I'm glad he likes to watch movies as much as I do, though, because I have no idea what we would do otherwise. Anyway, I'm digressing...

And last night, Nate and I saw the lights at the Opryland Hotel. I guess this requires a bit of explaining for anyone who doesn't live in TN. The Opryland Hotel is this giant, grand hotel right next to the famous Grand Ole Opry. Every holiday season, they set up an enormous display of Christmas lights. It's lovely really. It's really something to see in person. The inside of the hotel itself, lights or not, is quite a spectacle. I got to see Nikki while I was there too. She met up with us there.

So, if you haven't noticed (you have), I've been spending a lot of time with Nate. I've decided I'm not going to end it with him, unless by some chance, he brings it up. And I know he's not going to do that. I'm not so unhappy anymore. I don't know what I was going through, but I'm not so completely distant anymore. And I realized I do still like him, so things are staying the way they are for the time being.

The prospect of being single again does sound thrilling, but I really don't need that kind of distraction in my life right now.

And earlier he sent me this 4-page text: I'm playing zelda at the moment and getting very frustrated I'm about to just watch tv lol. Ok hayley baby uno what...... I really wana just say no one has ever made me happier than you have. And truthfully our relationship is the most different I've ever had, that's a good thing by the way. By now we would have had sex a shit ton and the relationship would be based on that. But it's not and that's one of the things that makes it special. The main thing that does is you. :) But yea I hope you feel the same in since instances uno and yea I just wanted to tell you that.

The ending there didn't make sense, and I couldn't figure out what he actually meant to say there, but whatever. I just could never break his heart. And I don't want to anymore. (I never wanted to, but I thought it was inevitable).

I'm one of those "nice girls" your mother will love. And I'm totally awesome. B) It's nice to have someone who recognizes that. Haha. And you know I'm not actually conceited. But I do think I'm awesome. But of course I'd think that, I like all the same things as me!

It's going to be hard again in about a week when I spend the week at Nana's house. I know I'm going to see Pamp. Possibly every day. (Unless he wants nothing to do with me, which is possible). Cue the song "All Over You" by The Spill Canvas.

As for resolutions, I have none. I never do. I don't like to set myself up for failure more than I already do.



What Happened In the Past Year???
How many relationships were you in?
Two.

What did you do for Valentine's day?
Nothing at all.

Did you receive your driver's license?
No...

Did you graduate high school?
Yes! It was a great night.

Did you graduate college?
I started.

Did you move out on your own?
Yes. Kinda.

Did you get arrested?
Never.

Did you get a speeding ticket?
Nope.

What was the best thing you got for Christmas?
Contacts!

Did you fall in love?
"I swear I don't believe in love. This is as close as I can come."
I don't know what love is.

Did you become an aunt or an uncle?
Been one.

Did you have a baby?
Hell no.

Did you get engaged?
Definitely no.

Did you get married?
Absolutely not.

Did someone close to you die?
No!

How many funerals did you go to?
Zero!

How many weddings?
Zero.

Did you turn 18?
Indeed, I did.

Did you turn 21?
Did you turn 30?
Did you have a car accident?
No!

Were you old enough to vote this year?
Yes! But there was nothing to vote for. I'm putting in my ballot for President this year though.

How many jobs did you have throughout the year?
None.

Did you get a new pet?
Well... I got puppies... then they got stolen.

Did you get cheated on?
Not that I'm aware of.

Did you cheat on someone?
Never.

Did you start at a new school?
Yes. Most miserable time of my life.

Did you make any new friends?
I deed.

Did you get a new car?
Nah.

Did you drastically change your hairstyle?
Um, yeah kinda I guess. I cut it shorter than ever before. Not sure if I want to do that again this year or not.

Did you go out of the country?
Nah.

Did you keep your last New Year's resolution?
Yes, considering I didn't have one.

What was the best movie you saw in theaters?
I didn't go to the theater a lot. Hmmm, definitely Super 8!

What was the best book you read?
I don't remember any books I read last year. I was definitely slacking.... Something I hope to change this year.

What was your greatest accomplishment?
Surviving my first semester of college, passing with A's and B's (the two B's alone are great feats because those two classes were way too much to handle).

What was the best cd released this year?
Oh, man. "I'll Always Be Around" by Brighten. Hands down.

Did you get a new tattoo?
No. Almost! I need to think about it more, but this year I will probably get one. Or two.

A new piercing?
Nah.

Are you still dating the same person you dated at the start of the year?
No.

The Lasts of the Past
How old were you on your last birthday?
Eighteen.

Who was your last kiss?
Nathan.

Who was the last person to tell you "I love you"?
Uh... Mom or dad.

Who was the last person you spoke to in person?
Today... Mom.

Who was your last missed call?
Nikki.

Who was your last phone call to?
Nana.

What was the last movie you watched?
Hesher \m/

The last song you heard?
I suppose the one I'm listening to now? "Apprehension" by Manchester Orchestra.

The last book you read?
I don't knowww... I'm seriously disappointed in myself.

The last place you went?
Opryland hotel.

The last time you cut your hair?
Back in October or something.

The color of the last shirt your wore?
I'm wearing a black one now...

The last person you hugged?
Nathan.

The last thing you bought?
With my own money? Clothes.

The last time you went to the doctor?
I dunno. I think early last year.

The last time you went swimming?
Summer, of course.

The last game you played?
Some block game on my phone.

The last person's house you went to?
Nathan's...

The last un-related guy you hung out with?
Nate. And Fonz. They're the only people I hang out with anyway.

The last un-related girl you hung out with?
Nikki.

The last family member you hung out with?
Ryan and Johnny.

The last movie you saw in theaters?
That new Sherlock Holmes movie. Mmmm Jude Law...

The last time you went to Walmart?
About 5 days ago.

The last time you went to Burger King?
Last time I hung out with Fonz. A little over a week ago.

The last time you went on vacation?
I'm on vacation! At home...

The last restaurant you went to?
Waffle House.

The last thing you ate?
Pizza.

The last thing you drank?
Cheerwine. (I never drink soda, but I figure I'm on vacation and Cheerwine and Sprite are the only soft drinks worth drinking, so why not).

The Firsts of the New Year
Who was the first person you kissed?
Nathan.

Who was the first person you told "I love you" to?
Daddy.

Who was the first person you spoke to?
Nate.

Who was your first phone call to/from?
ughhsjdjlfasjfa who cares

Where was the first place you went?
Nate's house as I have already established.

What was the first thing you bought?
I haven't bought anything yet. No mas dinero.

Who was the first person to wish you "Happy New Year!"?
I dunno, I guess Nate maybe.

What was the first thing you ate?
Cinnamon rolls that I made with my very own hands.

The first thing you drank?
Honestly I think it was Four Loko.

What color was the first shirt you wore?
These questions are pissing me.

What were the first shoes you wore?
Who gives a fuck? holy shit

What was the first electronic (not computer or cell) device you used?
asldfjasldkjfasd

What was the first movie you watched?
The Other Guys.

What was the first song you heard?
Who was the first girl you hung out with?
Who was the first guy?
The first relative?
What was the first thing you did when it became the new year?
What the Future Year Has In Store
What are you most looking forward to in the New Year?
Are you getting married this year?

Are you expecting a child?
Fuck no.

Will you be getting a new job?
Possible.

Will you be starting a new school?
I'm definitely going to try to.

Will you be moving to a new place?
If the new school thing works out, then yes.

Will you get your driver's license this year?
God, I hope so.

Will you turn 18?
I wish! "We're gonna stay eighteen forever, so we can live like this forever..."

Will you turn 21?
Will you turn 25?
Will you turn 30?
Will you turn 40?

Are you going on a vacation this year?
Man, if my dreams came true, I'd go to Crystal River, Florida, and swim with some mofuckin manatees.

What movie are you most looking forward to coming out this year?
No idea... I'm sure there will be lots of good ones.

What book?
I haven't been keeping up with books lately.

What music album?
If Brand New releases a new album that's all my entire year will need.

Do you expect to find love this year?
I don't know how to answer this. No.

Did you make a New Year's resolution?
Nein.

Have you kept it so far?
Damn, it's only the 4th. If someone has already failed their resolution, they are full retard.

Will you be going to a wedding this year?
Hell if I know.

Will you get a new car?
Wouldn't that be great.

Will you buy a house this year?
No.

Do you expect to be with the same person at the end of the year?
I have no idea.

Are you starting the year off single?
Obviously not.

What do you most want to happen this year?
I want to make it through this semester with as little stress and highest grades possible. And I want to transfer to a different school and I want that school to be significantly better. I just want to be happy.

What are you most excited about this year?
Not much... yet...


So, these aren't resolutions, but this year I hope to be more artistic and poetic and to read more books and to most of all procrastinate much less and to just try.