I went to Walmart the other day to get some travel things for this trip.  They didn't have everything I needed, so I decided I would go to Target the next day and look there.  I dreaded it all day and put it off for as long as I could (I was at work and planned to go on my break). I didn't want to go because the guy I "dated" in the interim works there.  I just don't want to run into him.  

So when I finally go up there, just my luck,  he walks in at the same time I do.  I felt like I didn't recognize him at first,  but he walked in in front of me,  and the neck tattoo gave it away.  To my relief, we did not make eye contact and went opposite directions once inside. But it gave me so much anxiety. Later, I realized why it took me a minute to recognize him: he has a very full beard now.  The kind that takes a long time to grow out. I always tried to get him to grow his beard out when we were talking, and he would always get rid of it after a couple weeks. He should have listened to me sooner because it somehow makes him look taller. Just an observation. Oh well. 

The anxiety was a lot, and I do not think I'll be returning to that Target. Nothing I need/want there that I can't just get online. 

I'm staying at my aunt's house near Atlanta tonight because we fly out of Atlanta tomorrow for Greece. I want to be okay for this trip, so I'm getting everything out on here. Lane told me not to find a hot Greek man while I'm there but added on, "or at least don't tell me about it if you do." I'm reading too far into that.  I absolutely won't meet anybody of course,  but why would he put it that way?  Feels like a seed. 

We had a heart to heart in New Orleans, and it really did make me see things a little differently. He told me to decide if these little things that upset me are things I can live with or things I can't.  He kinda made it seem like he didn't care if we were to break up...

So, since then I have been trying to be happier about things in general.  But also because I've been reflecting on myself because I'm the common denominator in all my unhappy relationships 

And since then I've had an irrational fear of him upping and leaving me. Like,  I just feel like one day while I'm at work, he's going to move out. Is that really irrational though? It's plausible... 

Since then I feel like he's not even invested. I mean,  he is present and he has been helping me around the house,  but I wonder if he is just going through the motions. Sometimes I feel like he's checked out.  I don't know if it's intuition or if it's all in my head.  

I'm about to be out of town for almost 2 weeks.  He mentioned he was thinking of going down to his mom's house in Alabama and staying the night there for idk how long. A day or two maybe.  And that set off some alarms for me that now make me wonder if he's going to get a job down there behind my back and leave again. 

I don't know why I'm so paranoid, but I truly don't think I can handle any of those things happening right now and it just feels like something will...

Not to mention I also have this little thought in the back of my head that he could be cheating when he's out of town. Thanks to past experience, it's really hard for me to trust someone who is constantly out of town. It absolutely doesn't help that he doesn't text back very much when he is supposedly staying with his dad or mommy. My cheating ex texted back more consistently...

When we first got back together,  he mentioned he thought he maybe could have chlamydia because of some slight vague symptoms he was having.  I got tested,  and everything was negative for me (I'm still bitter that he didn't get tested and just went off my results when he was the sole offender). I was not suspicious then because it would have come from before we had gotten back together.  However, he would bring up these symptoms from time to time.  And sometime last year,  he claimed he found an online pharmacy that could prescribe chlamydia medications without a test,  so he got them for both himself and me.  I took the meds because that was all very suspicious.  And just a couple weeks ago, I was sick with bronchitis.  I asked him if that online pharmacy could prescribe steroids again (it prescribed steroids last time for the STD regimen). He then claimed he couldn't even remember what the website was.  So now, to me, that feels like he originally went to a real doctor and got tested and a real doctor prescribed the medications and there never was an online pharmacy.  I'm not crazy for thinking this,  right? I'm crazy for going along with the original story.  I had brought up,  a couple times,  a "should I be worried/concerned about this?" Meaning: "Is there anything you want to tell me?" And he always plays it cool because who wouldn't?

And,  ya know,  there were some moments these last few months when I was incredibly unhappy and thought maybe I might want to cheat on him solely for my own fulfillment/act of spite/wanting attention. I started checking Bumble again to see what else was out there. I ultimately decided that I just couldn't do it.  I love him and care for him too much to do that. I know it's wrong to even entertain that idea. I absolutely know, and I have no good excuse because there are no good excuses for that. 

And all of this has been heavy on my mind lately. 

And of course I haven't said anything about any of this to him.  I just wouldn't even know how to bring this up or unload all of it.  I just want to keep the peace on this one.  

For now.

- - -

This past weekend I tried to have a belated get-together in celebration of my birthday.  I turned 30, and that's a milestone,  ya know? I just wanted to see my friends. Turns out I don't really have any anymore.  Every single person I invited had an excuse not to go or bailed last minute. So that has made me reevaluate a lot of things... and Lane,  of course,  went with me.  He drove us.  He invited his cousin,  who is the only person who showed up.  Then they hung out the entire time and I was the third wheel. I get it because they haven't seen each other in awhile.  But further stressed how much I just didn't want to be there.   I wish I had just stayed home.  It stressed me out enough just trying to plan something,  so I'm relieved I don't have to ever try that again,  I guess. It really defeated me,  and I just don't think I have it in me to make any more attempts to maintain friendships. It's embarrassing. 

Right now I'm preparing to go to Greece this and next week. I hope I can at least enjoy that. 

I'm so tired of myself. 

I am on vacation in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. 

And I'm not having any fun. 

I haven't eaten in 10 hours because I'm "full." Of cortisol,  I assume. 

I feel pressure inside my entire body. 

Why am I like this? I fucking hate this.  

I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  All the stress and pressure I can physically feel boiling in my stomach. 

I am not happy.  

I'm very unhappy. 

The only way to be happy again is to not care so much.  And we all know when I quit caring,  it all ends.  I weigh the options daily.  

This is not what I want.  I'm not trying to compromise.  I'm not even trying to talk about it. I'm just over it.  

So I guess this is the beginning of my 4 month check out process. I'll be miserable for way too long like I always do. But this time I'm going to stay alone for awhile.  I've realized it's imperative to reset. I could really use a rest.

I feel like I've reached an expiration, and it's time to move on. 

I just want to start over.