I'm thinking about how somone can explain themselves with all these words. Put all that time and effort into writing some gratuitous, long, heartfelt, apologetic string of.... words. But the effort stops there.  

Someone can say everything they can possibly think of in as many ways as possible to let me know how much they think about me and love me. 

And,  yet,  still DO nothing.

Nothing changes. The fault is acknowledged before I can bring it up. To have that insight and still 

Do

Nothing

It's like a ton of feathers. One isn't going to make a difference,  but a ton still weighs a ton. 

Tired of ignoring for someone who ignores me.  I wouldn't say I was happier when I was distracted, but I was certainly more content. 

I don't know what's more disappointing. I don't know if it matters. 

Love, I'm losing that feeling.

We just don't communicate. On both sides. I don't hear much from him, and I have quit trying to have any conversations because I don't see the point. I always try to keep up my end of the deal when I notice they aren't anymore just so I can say I tried.

I'm tired of being uncomfortable with his family's lack of boundaries. He always brings up marriage, and this is the #1 reason why I won't do it.

The long distance has run its course for me. This isn't a relationship. 

I'm bored. We gave it 3 good years... with a big gap in one of them... but I just don't feel the spark anymore. I've waited for an opportunity for it to come up naturally, but I don't know how to talk about it without being harsh. I'm just keeping to myself a lot these days. Trying to figure it all out.

They always come back into my life once,  never twice. 

I think everyone has spent their second coming.  

No vacancies in the motel of second chances. You know I've used mine,  too. Whether for better or for worse, it is all said and done.  And I am through.  

I've been trying to think of what I might say if given the opportunity to say it. But I know that won't happen,  so I've accepted that this is where I am at now.  I'm trying real hard to be real good. I'm compacting these doubts way down.  Way, way down. I don't know where to accept vs. where to settle. I don't know if it's possible to strive for perfection. It's not possible. 

I wish I could focus on an entirely different part of the big picture.

Could be too soon to call it, but I think the fun is finally over. Don't want to go into details.  We don't even need the details. I can wipe my hands clean of it hopefully and be sad forever.

Because I am sad.

Not at the loss necessarily but at the fact that I have to go back to just being... sad, I guess. It was easy to forget the sadness when there was distraction from it. Though it made me more sad in its own way.  So... what do I do now? 

I realize I rely on all the wrong things for happiness, and that is exactly why I am rarely happy. I have tried filling the void with "retail therapy/"online shopping... drinking... staying busy. I'm just burnt-out on all of it. 

Subconsciously,  it is weighing heavy on me right now. But that's because the one direction i feel I have to turn is not inviting. It does not feel welcoming or warm or safe. It also, time and time and time again,  makes me sad.

And like my last ~revelation~: I can only blame myself.