I hate that it still hurts sometimes. 

I hate that it meant so much. 

I hate that I can't sleep. 

The boy stayed the night last night.  We had a lovely time, but while he was asleep and I was in his arms (it still feels weird and awkward but also nice at the same time), I couldn't sleep because I was having waves of anxiety.  And none of it was about him.  His arms were wrapped around me,  and I wasn't thinking about him at all. And I see that as a good thing because he isn't what gives me anxiety.  

I'm stressed about just about everything right now.  I feel bad about calling it quits on David*, Dad is losing his house and Caleb is moving in with me (Dad too if I can talk him into it)**, work always sucks, lack of money is always a problem, I think about Lane too much,  the cats got fleas again,  and Bear could use a trip to the vet for severe seasonal allergies.  About the only thing that doesn't stress me out is the boy. And we all know if this becomes a thing,  the boy will climb to the top of my list of stressful things as boys tend to do.  

 *We don't talk now, and I do miss him. A couple weeks ago, I officially told him that I don't want to get back together.  I just couldn't feel it when we were together,  and I couldn't keep living with his expectations on me.  I wish we could have a friendship,  but I 100% understand that not being feasible.

**I've finally gotten used to and content with living alone, and now I'm about to have to get used to living with people again.  And this house is very small.  

I am really just tired. 

I just worked 52 hours this week because I was working the shifts of 3 different people.  It was exhausting. 

I was supposed to get off work early on Wednesday and go see the boy. But the night-before, they changed my shift to work late instead.  So I had to cancel on the boy. He seemed disappointed.

We still had plans to hang out on Saturday though.  Today. We had talked it up and up. 

Halfway through the day, he decided to get a little real (via text).  Basically said he was starting to get freaked out about us. Like a fear of getting too close and it not working out. I'm prone to believe him.  

I'm worried because it sounds like something I used to experience when I had bad social anxiety. I'm worried because my response to that feeling was to panic and dip out.  He told me he would never ghost me,  so at least I know if he decided to dip out, he'd go with grace and possibly leave me a little closure. Unlike those who came before him.  I can only hope he gives me that kind of dignity. 

On the other hand, I'm not worried. We aren't hanging out tonight because of his "freak out" (even though I'm trying to  believe because it would be a weird thing to lie about it,  I'm still suspicious of everyone all the time,  especially men in my personal life). And while I have grown quite fond of the boy,  I'm not worried because I feel like I don't even know him.  I still haven't really felt a strong chemistry.  Perhaps it's because we haven't been intimate (although the sex is the most intimate/passionate sex I've ever had, we haven't been emotionally intimate) due to his fear of vulnerability and my lack of readiness for it. I've been going about this the way I advised him to: day by day. I'm not planning our wedding.  I'm not building a life together in my head.  I'm not particularly thinking about the future at all. And that's why I'm not worried.  If he decides to cut the cord, it is what it is. 

All I have to say is I have enjoyed it while it lasted. 

You learn to breathe when it hurts

I am struggling to feel.  I think. 

I had a lot happen in a single weekend. 

I came home from work Friday after a 12-hour shift to discover my AC was out. That kinda ruined my mood. The next day, I got the cats out of the house and left them at Dad's. Tom and his brother came to look at my unit and diagnosed the problem and put a temporary fix on it until we can properly fix it on Monday. 

The boy came over and spent the night (for the first time). I'm on my period but I've got Flex disks (they work splendidly) so we were able to have mess-free sex. I warned him first, so we were cautious,  but it all turned out well. We got up at 6am the next day and he left by 8am. 

I want to talk about this because I'm feeling a whole lot of not much about everything... He told me recently that I'm not a booty call and he doesn't want me to think that because he genuinely likes me more than that. (Oh, side note: the day he told me that I was at work and had gotten a headache and he told me to come over and lie down until it passes so I didn't have to drive home in pain. He lives 5 mins from work, so I did and we cuddled and watched TV for an hour or so, and then I left... it was actually really sweet). I like him, too. But I'm not sure if I feel butterflies. I feel too guarded. But on the other hand, I don't feel shy or nervous or anxious around him. I'm very comfortable. But I feel like I'm just there. I feel kinda neutral? I feel all these mediocre things, but I don't think he is mediocre. I think I'm just dead inside right now.

David is coming to visit next weekend. I've decided to let it happen to see how it feels. I'm trying to feel a little more than nervous about it. I don't know why I'm nervous. Like I haven't known the guy for 5+ years. 

I'm questioning everything all the time. Do I want this? Do I even know? I don't know.

Do you mind holding while I see what I can do?

I've been remembering my dreams more lately probably because I have been relaying them to David. I don't always try to interpret meaning from them but I think he believes they are always trying to tell us something.  

So I haven't told him the one I had last night because I think I can interpret it on my own... At the end of it, I was at work and answered a phone call. Guy wanted info, I explained some things,  and he immediately asked for a "deal." I told him we only discount under special circumstances, but he was persistent.  It was after hours, so I was wanting to get off the phone but for some reason I couldn't end the conversation. I liked talking to him.  I don't know why but his name was Tristan. I told him to let me see what I can do,  and I put him on "hold" because my coworkers needed my help.  I did not "see what I can do" by the time I came back (because I knew his request could not be granted),  and I told him I couldn't help at the time but to give me his information and I would call him back. He kept telling me the numbers in his phone number in a different sequence every time I asked him to repeat it. He was distracted by something off the phone and about to hang up but I hadn't fully gotten his information yet, so I yelled, "Tristan!?" to catch him from hanging up, which worked I think.  But I still never got a good phone number to call him back. 

Just seems a bit metaphorical to my current situation with David.

I often don't feel worthy of love.  I don't know why. I don't know where this stems from.  

Right now,  I'm not ready to feel close or intimate or loved.  The thought of feeling those things, right now,  gives me the creeps. 

It's why I sway in one direction—towards one decision—and away from another.  

It's why I don't want to move toward a certainty for now.  I'd rather be sucked into the black hole.  Because I can't see into it.  Because I have zero idea of what the future holds with it. There are no expectations.  There are no worries,  no doubts. There is no past. There is only present, and, maybe—right now—I want to be present and to not see out. 

And that's the best I can articulate right now.