Lane has temporarily left me. I guess we were having some issues, so he went to his mom's for a few days.

I've been absolutely riddled with anxiety. Already have quit eating and sleeping. 

We have not communicated with each other since he left. I am having mixed emotions over this. I'm distraught and pissed off at the same time.

I refuse to be the first to reach out. He is the one who left with no explanation. 

I don't know where we go from here. Of course, the hardest part, as always, is not knowing. Not knowing how he is feeling. Not knowing what conclusion he will come to. I'm scrambling to come to a conclusion myself. 

I'm my opinion, our problems are fairly minor (at least the thing that set this whole episode off). At least... Presently, they are. I often question our future though.

But I don't want to feel like this in a relationship. It's not healthy. Even if we were to overcome this, it will forever leave a stain. On the one hand, I could accept making up and rebuilding. Continue our lives together. On the other hand, I just feel like the same problems will persist until there is irreparable resentment. 

If I'm being honest, my mind keeps leaning toward ending things. This probably won't be the last time this will happen, and I just can't be with someone who is going to run away to mommy every time things get hard. My heart pulls in this direction but is also terrified of it. Something in me doesn't want it to end. Not yet. 

I'm confused and angry about being confused. 

My doubts weigh so, so heavy on my heart.

Prolonging the Inevitable

Yo, it's the first day of 2020.

I'm on my way to pick up Lane from the airport after spending New Year's Eve with his mom? You think they kissed? I bet his mom tried to.

Their relationship is uncomfortably creepy.

And I predict by the end of 2020, if things don't change (hard to imagine they will since it's a familial relationship), that my own "romantic" relationship will have ceased.

I love him, which is why I'm still here. It's why I struggle. I go back forth with my feelings. I still want to try with him, but I won't keep doing things this way forever. He's the only person who I have ever met with this issue. It's something different with every new person, isn't it?

I feel like our future right now is a black hole. I can't see it one way or the other. I also feel like the clock has already begun counting down to the deadline.

Leave Me Behind... Again.

A few days ago Lane and I were lying in bed talking before he left for the weekend. I can't remember how it came up, but we started talking about long distance relationships. I told him I would never do long distance. Not at all. And he tried to disagree saying we did it when he lived in Murfreesboro. I told him that was because Murfreesboro is only an hour away, and, besides, I hadn't grown accustomed to living with him like I am now. Then he piped in with some hypotheticals like what if he lived 2 hours away. I said no, that I wouldn't do it. Then he asked what I expected him to follow with: he asked if he lived in Alabama (where his mom lives, where he goes and spends every other fucking weekend) then I wouldn't want to stay with him. I told him no. That's too far. I'm not interested in anything long distance. Ever.

That pretty much ended the conversation. He sorta stared off contemplatively after that.

Then the other day the topic sorta came up again. He asked if I would move with him if he found another job out-of-state. He said he isn't planning on staying at the factory he's at forever. I explained to him how I own this house and I'm not willing to leave it just yet. I've only lived in for a year. But he wouldn't drop the subject, so I told him if that were to ever come up, I'd consider it.

So, last night, we were at his family's Christmas Eve gathering. I was sitting in a chair between him and his little sister. I was looking down at my phone not involved in any conversation when his sister asked him, across me, "Have you heard anything from the job?" He did not reply out loud, but I felt him mouth back to her and gesture at me. Meaning he was telling her to not spill the beans about something I don't know about. And that confirmed my suspicions that he is planning on moving to Alabama to be closer to his mommy.

Let's be clear: this isn't about a job. This isn't about a career. This isn't about opening up opportunities. I KNOW it was his mom's idea to apply to jobs down there so he can be closer to them.

It's hurtful because it's inconsiderate to me. It's hurtful because I always knew he'd leave me for his fucking mother. It hurts because this isn't the first time I've been in love and living with someone where there was another woman involved who was a constant issue in the relationship (in this case it's one-sided because I keep my mouth shut about his uncomfortably creepy relationship with his mom out of respect for him and respect for not fucking up the relationship) and then planning to move behind my back to be with her. It's not the same situation, but the parallels are incredible.

So I've been stewing on that since yesterday. I worked today. While there, I fell and sprained my elbow. Can't go to Urgent Care because it's a stupid fucking holiday and they're all closed.

So I'll sleep in pain tonight and I'll drink in pain tonight. Happy Holidays!

I sense a talk is coming. A talk I'm not prepared for. 

I've been distant, less affectionate, and downright mean sometimes. 

I don't know if it's something I can fix or undo. I don't know when it started, but I may know the exact turning point that caused it to accelerate. 

I think the day he solidified out-of-town plans with his mom for a non-family holiday is the day I realized this will never last if things don't change. I was disappointed that he chose not to spend it with me. I was disappointed that he chose his mom over me yet again. Because I'm selfish. But it's always all about her. I can't understand nor sympathize.

I also would much prefer to be with someone who is an independent adult. And I just don't see him as anything but an extension of mommy and daddy...

I know I am, most likely, the real problem here. I know I am irrational. I've tried to tell myself this, but I can't seem to compromise. Compromise feels like settling. 

So, when the time comes, I won't know what to say; I only know how I feel, and I don't know how to put that into words.