Mixed Signals

I want to talk about this because it has been weighing on my mind for some time now. I want to talk about mixed signals, the way I've received them, and my analysis of this phenomenon from our generation as a whole.

It's a big thing that I just can't get past. To a degree, I understand mixed signals. I understand why people give them, especially if that person is just confused and unsure of what they want. As I'm sure I've unintentionally provided my fair share of these signals. But to an even larger degree, I just don't fucking get it. So this is all in relation to interpersonal likely-romantic relationships between two individuals. I just don't understand how people can't be straight forward with each other. It's okay to feel one way and then change your mind. But just SAY you've changed your mind! It'S OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. I've changed my mind on people and I've let them know that in one way or another. I have told people that my mindset has change, my feelings, the situation... etc. If you have any ounce of respect for someone, you've got to keep them in the know when it involves them.

Some examples:

Sam - I felt he was totally into me at one point. I was totally into him. I thought I understood the first time when he disappeared. Because I had a stagnant FWB when we first met. I cut that FWB off for Sam, whom I valued and wanted and was willing to do right by. But he disappeared, and I ended up with POS who ruined my life (I still have health problems from that relationship...). In the midst of my life falling apart due to that horrible relationship, Sam and I reconnected! And this is where things get really scrambled. Again, I was totally into him, and, I felt, he was pretty into me. I still look back fondly at sitting in lawn chairs watching neighboring fireworks in his backyard. I'll always, always appreciate him visiting me in the E.R. (my absolute lowest point). The hand he offered in dealing with the psycho ex abandoning that car. Having drinks at Jonny's. But then he ghosted. After all of that, he disappeared - again. With no indication of any explanation. Just complete silence. And I feel so dumb for letting it happen again. I feel dumb for getting attached. I feel like I just should have known. But I still don't know what I did wrong. The lack of closure is what I think about the most from all of this.

Aaron - this one doesn't keep me up at night as much. He put in so much effort and so little effort at the same time. When I was around, I had his undivided attention. He made a show of wanting to learn about me, my interest and my opinions. He took me out on dates - a lot of dates! Cute dates, like ice cream, and fancy dates where he wore a suit! He invited me to be with when he got a tattoo. He made it a point to meet my parents. That was all his idea, not mine. His parents in Hawaii would ask about me, and he'd send them selfies of the two of us. Hell, we took a roadtrip to Chicago together! Also his idea; he asked me to go with him. However... he refused to meet my friends, and I never met his. It became clear to me that he didn't view women as people, just objects. He'd do little controlling things, like squeeze my hand so tight that it hurt... just to prove something? He was seeing other girls, and he admitted to it when I asked. We were never really anything but friends with benefits, and, you know what? We weren't even friends. He didn't consider me a friend and didn't want to be friends when it ended. At least he hast the decency to vocalize it... He my number from his phone and my account from all his social media almost immediately. The 10 months we fucked around meant little to nothing. And that's the part that I don't understand. After all that? I don't know what it is about me, but I try to maintain a connection with those I care about even if things didn't work out. I can't just cut someone out of my life like that if they meant anything at all to me.

But apparently these people can. So many cut me off completely. I don't feel I've hurt anyone... Not intentionally. But being thrown aside like that hurts me (and I don't like admitting defeat)...

My last example is a new person who won't be named since I'm unsure if this person will be relevant ever again. This is a guy from OKC. We started talking due to our similar interest in music. This guy knows I am in relationship; I told him up front. Despite that, he was still engaging, and he brought up the idea of meeting for coffee or something casual or even going to a show together. Well, I went to a show that we had both said we would be going to (plans we had individually made before we started talking). He doesn't show up to the show. I still enjoyed myself, even if I was there alone, because I was there for the music. A few days later he asks me how the show was. And he, again, mentions we should get coffee because he thinks I'm cool. I'm super interested in being friends with this guy because it's so hard to find someone who likes so much of the obscure hipster shit that I'm into. I mention I'll be off on a weekend and could probably meet up Sunday. He says he is off Sunday too. Sunday rolls around... I never hear from him. So finally, I text him on a day off while I'm out running errands. I tell him I'm around town and could grab coffee if he isn't busy. He says he happens to be off, too, and asks where to meet. I give him a location... and nothing. I double text him with a "never heard from you... going home" (I never went to the coffee shop... I continued my errands and waited to hear from him). And that was the last we communicated. No fucking respect or decency. I'm a god damn person.

I know people are fickle. Most people, however, are not open.. are not honest... are not respectful of the fact that everyone around them is human, too.

Though these things sorta eat me up inside on some days; it doesn't totally affect my life. I'm just left wondering, way too often, what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? That's the part that eats me up.

Oh, my well-researched very scientific analysis of all this? Easy:

Just a buncha' cowards.

Momentarily

Remember when I said I was getting out of here? Just kidding! I moved with The Inseparable Trio. I was talked into it... and I'm a fucking pushover. I was keeping the "moving back in with the parents" option in my back pocket... but Bear ruined that for me. Long story short, my brother still lives over there. Brother has chickens. Wild predators have killed them off til they were down to 2. Bear killed one of the two remaining chickens. Brother is very angry. For now, I feel Bear (and myself, for that matter) is not currently welcome over there; thus, living there is out of the question.

So, here I am. In this bigger house with mostly the same problems that I was told repeatedly "would change" at the new place. I didn't believe it, and I still don't. Been living here a month, and everything is just about the same... But since my Plan B went up in flames, I'm forced to momentarily accept this.

There's my update. I'm not much into talking about my life anymore. I know it's mostly complaining. I'm just getting tired of that. I'm just getting tired.

Too proud to swallow my pride

I don't know where to place my anger and it's exhausting. I'm worried but not really worried about which outlets to turn to. How's that quote go? " I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."

I know David doesn't realize how much his carelessness affects how I feel about the relationship, so I suspect it will be a huge blow to him if things were to end. But he's also more selfish than he realizes, and, hopefully he learns from all this just as I have.

But I'm stubborn and fucking sick of second chances, so the damage is by far irreparable at this point.

I may be out of this shitty place and this shitty state of mind in a couple weeks.

I'm likely moving back to my dad's soon just to recalibrate.  I hate all of my options, but at least that one won't leave me lying in bed angry every night.

It's going down

Right now I'm trying to go to bed. There are a bunch of people in the house. It's nearly 11pm. David left to go join them and they are being loud as fuck. I hate this. I hate every time. And it's often.

And, as unfair as it is, I resent David for all of this.

I resent him for me living here. For these shitty roommates. For these sleepless nights. For having to give up my other dog whom I love in order to uproot and move here. For living too far from my job and having to deal with the worst traffic.

For nothing ever changing...

I've had a lot on my mind all day. I've been feeling guilty for... Well, the way I feel. But I've also been contemplating how this will all go down when it inevitably all goes down.

Far

I'm moving forward with my plan to get out. Actively. Time and money is already being invested.

I'm pretty set on not moving to the new house with the roommates. I finally found an apartment that will allow my dog. I'm getting out of here as soon as I can.

I'm unsure how this will affect my relationship with David, but, if I'm being honest, I'm not entirely hopeful. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the way things are. Some days I feel guilty for how I feel. Some days I want to make it work. But most days I feel numb to it all.

The other night we had a conversation after he used the word "complacent" in place of "unsatisfied/unhappy/restless" when referring to a friend. I disagreed with his definition in the particular context (which is what ignited the debate). I don't believe complacent can be interchangable with unhappy. I think it just means being comfortable with the status quo. Neither happy nor unhappy; so, unwilling/unmotivated to change anything. And this, I feel, is his attitude toward the relationship. He is comfortable.

I'm not.

I've expressed my complaints with him. I've explained my unhappiness. Maybe not in detail, but at least he knows. And I'm met with apathy. It seems my concerns are simply shrugged off.

If you think I'll "get over it," you're right; I will. But you won't like the way I choose to get over it.

And so I have a lot on my mind.

And so my mind wanders.

Far.