Miss Me

Lately I've been missing things I shouldn't. And people I especially shouldn't.

I don't know what's missing in my life to make me feel so sentimental. I'm content with my life. Maybe I'm just too complacent to the point of boredom. It's hard to make things happen when all I ever do is work, yet I can barely save money... which is why I work all the time.

I had a whole weekend off last weekend. I made it a point to make the absolute best of it. The first weekend I had off that I didn't have to ask for and my friends were available to hang out. Meyer and I took the boys to the dog park. Then he, Michael, and I went to Mellow Mushroom for lunch. And later we went to the pinball arcade up the street and it was all around a swell day despite me being sick. The next day, I was even sicker, but I went to Michelle's new house and we got ice cream and saw a movie and went to dinner. And that was my last day off for two weeks.

My next day off will be next Friday, making it 11 days in a row of straight work, work, work. I was supposed to be off yesterday, but I sacrificed that only day off to cover a shift for a co-worker. I need the money. I will work until I die...

I found out my E.R. bill got sent to collections. A bill collector calls me everyday, but I've never answered it.I'm scared they'll call my work and my family members because somehow they're allowed to do that and apparently they do. I think maybe that bill is a big reason my credit has plummeted. It's still in the "good" range but it's not good enough for me. At least every month I make a credit card payment, it goes back up 10 points. It's slowly increasing back towards what it used to be. Thanks Jonah for riding off my good credit (good intentions, good heart, loyalty, and apparently naivety) just to fucking ruin it.

I know (don't ask me how) Jonah will be back in town next month and that gives me immense anxiety. I want to throw up just writing about it.

Another thing giving me anxiety right now is this tension between N. Korea and the U.S... Caleb is on that Navy fleet that's "prepared to strike" and I swear to God this better all just be some kind of stupid publicity stunt of America waving a big stick and everyone else rolling their eyes.

- - - - - -

Those things that I miss are certain qualities in people who I no longer hang around for obvious reasons. I tried kept in touch with Max for so long because I valued the friendship. He was always down for just about anything - no judgement. Even now when I want to go to a show, I always think "Max would go to this show with me and he'd enjoy it too." But he's too obsessively and delusionally in love with me that it HAD to stop.

I miss companionship and the security of someone always being there. I hope I can experience that again but with someone who is genuine about it next time...

I miss all the friends who want nothing to do with me. I think about them too often because it kills me that I thought the connection there was real and they must not have felt the same. Why do I miss people like that?

I'm so easily fooled.

It's Alright With Me

I used to say I hated no one, for hate is a waste of energy.

Now the list of people I hate goes as follows:

1. Jonah
2. Kate
3. People who don't signal while driving

I used to say I had no regrets, for I was young and had made no life-changing irreversible mistakes yet.

I'm still young, but now the list of regrets I have is too long for me to bother writing out.

I stayed the night with Aaron. I often wake up in the middle of the night or morning lying next to him and can't fall back to sleep. I usually shamefully overthink in these quiet moments. I think about all my regrets. So far he's not one, but I think of all the things that led me to that moment, lying in a small bed with a person about which I feel I still know so little. Trying so hard to not doubt the nice things he tells me... failing, but playing along anyway.

I realized, with Jonah at the top of my list, I forgive everyone else in my life for everything. They aren't bad people.

I forgive P. because I feel he just doesn't know what he wants yet.

I forgive N. because he was always nice to me... to my face anyway.

I forgive Max because although I have made it a point to cut him off now, he more than made up for the bad memories he gave me.

I forgive Jack because although he never really made me happy, he helped me move on from some hard times.

I forgive Eric even if he still drunkenly messages me in the middle of the night; I know he has a good heart.

I forgive Sam, who was the most helpful of this list, which made his leaving hurt a whole lot. I still greatly truly appreciate what he did for me and being there for me in my absolute darkest time.


Life is OK, ya know?

I'm more or less happy now. I catch myself wondering lately what else could be out there. But I'm content for the time being with what I've got, and I'm accepting the pace at which my life is moving right now.

Not ready for the conversation

Aaron took me out to fancy dinner in my birthday. He's a nice boy, I guess.

Not sure when I'll be free of this secret suspicion that I'm being manipulated. I hate that I can't appreciate something without keeping half guarded.

My whole heart defers to the hurt half.

I just feel safer believing everyone is inherently evil. I'd say I'm working on fixing that, but I'm really not.

I lose my steam when I'm reminded how hard it is to keep friends. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but fewer people who I have regarded highly want less and less to do with me. I will invite them to hang out on multiple occasions and I am consistently met with rejection. I've learned not to push it. I find it hard enough to see my value as it is; I don't need their help...

It doesn't consume me though. Nothing really does anymore.

I've unblocked everybody from Facebook. I don't know why. I felt like it was time to. I still think about all those things often. I'm not sure if I'll ever stop, but like I've said: it no longer consumes me.

I've quit driving the back way home from work. I've realized it makes me think of a certain person much less. I'm fact, I've realized I don't think of them much at all anymore. For the best, I'm sure.

I went to Logan's house for his birthday. It was so much fun hanging out with my old Murfreesboro roommates. I miss those guys... Don't worry: Jack wasn't there.

Aaron called me drunk while I was at the party. Just to chat. Just because we were both drunk. Hey, I didn't get shitty drunk and that's worth noting! I did drive an hour home not completely sober though.

Another thing, when Aaron and I were hanging out the other day, somehow we got on the subject of Plan B/emergency birth control. We don't need any (those days are behind me); we were just talking about how it's so expensive and whatnot. He said he has had to buy it 4 times! I admitted I've had to buy it a couple times. He asked how much an abortion costs, and maybe I was too quick and too certain in my answer because he asked if I've ever had one. I lied and told him no. I'm not ready for that conversation.


I don't know when or if I'll tell him about all the crazy things that happened to me, but it's still too soon and km not interested in being so vulnerable.

In other news, I've been working my ass off. My next paycheck is going to have about 95 hours on it. I need that money. I've finally reached a point in my life where I don't have to fall back on credit, and I'll be damned if I get that low again.

Your Body is a Wonderland

So, I think maybe things are getting serious between Aaron and I. And I'm excited about it!

I still struggle with the paranoia that it's all a lie and that this is going to hurt because I'm still scared of people, but I'm also trying to suppress those fears and give this thing a chance.

Meyer said he seems like a character from an indie romcom, and I'm trying to believe that too.

I was off work yesterday, so of course I went to Aaron's house the night before. When we had originally made the plans, he said he "had an idea" but wouldn't tell me what it was. He never tells me his ideas ahead of time. Turns out his idea was to teach each other some things about what we respectively went to school for. He wanted to do it as a means of getting to know each other better. And I don't think I've ever had someone plan something just to get to know me mentally. I think all he learned is that I don't do well on the spot. My mind goes blank and I can't forumlate words at all. So, I taught him a thing or two about design, mainly typography, though he had questions about web design. And he taught me a thing or two about songwriting. Have I mentioned here before that he is Berklee educated? I feel this is important. I've always had a thing for musicians...

I did learn more about him... more so in a random conversation we had about one of his friends than in the showcase of his songwriting knowledge (though I did learn a lot from that too). He told me his advice on helping his friend get a girlfriend. He seems to be read on human sexuality/biology/attraction or whatever, and seems to go "by the book." I listened and added my input on what he was saying but deep down feared that maybe his readings on the matter included some pick-up artist advice. I couldn't tell. He described women as either being "in their masculine" or "in their feminine" and said that women should do the chasing and pursue men, but only after a man guages her attraction level for him (must be 6 or above). The man should not chase the woman so that he doesn't make her feel she's losing her independence or something like that. I wanted to tell him that it's not that black and white. While those may be loose guides for understanding basic attraction, individuals are far more complex... duh.

That said, I don't feel I've been doing the pursuing. As a woman who is not confident, I would have let him go in a heartbeat had he moved away by just an inch. As much as he doesn't want to admit it, or maybe doesn't see it, he has, in fact, still been doing the pursing. He has asked me when I'm free and set up the times for us to see each other. He contacted me first when we hadn't talked in a few days. And it's not a competition... I have just been extremely guarded, and I greatly appreciate his efforts because maybe it's helping me realize that it's okay to be open again.

The "idea" was the definitive moment that made me feel that maybe he genuinely likes me for more than just my body.

He also told me how much he likes me and all that, but words are words are words...

The next day, on my day off, he gave Bear a couple tennis balls. Bear loved them. Then he ran around the house with Bear and it had me laughing out loud and it was all really adorable. I know he probably doesn't want to be around Bear since he's allergic, but it means so much to me. I took him to Waffle House for his first time. He knew going into it that it was "an experience." He really liked it. Then I took him to McKay's for his first time. He liked that too but not as much as Waffle House. That night he went to the Eisley show with me despite not knowing any of the bands. Also despite being tired as hell. We had only slept 4 hours the night before. I could tell he was insanely tired and I was too, so I suggested we leave early (we made it more than halfway thru Eisley's set - all thru all the openers - so I justified leaving early), since we were both so tired and I had to work in the morning.

He said, "Are you sure? One more song!" And he really didn't have to do that. He knew I liked them. One more song meant nothing to him.

I worked today. I was technically a supervisor today, so it was kinda weird. Nothing was going right for me all day; like, every little thing that could go wrong - did. I don't feel like I had a bad day though, and this is where I have made impressive strides at getting better. Every time bad things happen to me, it doesn't ruin my day or put me in a bad mood. I'm such much healthier, mentally, now than I was a few months ago, and I think I deserve a slight tip of the hat for that because I could have been dead by now. I sure wanted to be.

Aaron is asking if I want to go to dinner on the 2nd (my birthday). I don't know what he's got up his sleeve, but I hope it's something small, as I was at a funeral on his birthday and didn't really do much for him.

"We were together. I forget the rest."

I have injured both my ankles and can no longer run for the time being. I'm pretty disappointed because I was doing so well. I am already seeing results in getting my old body back, so at least I can kinda justify the rest... I don't want to rest though.

I totally jumped the gun on the Aaron thing. I'm just so easily disheartened. I'm quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm not that important to him. I don't feel worthy of genuine interest from someone who I feel is too good for me. I was trying to be the stronger person by not getting attached, but the fact that I felt defeated by a short lapse in communication proves I've failed in my attempt. For the record, my last message to him never went through. He messaged me "first" after the silence.

So we hung out a few days ago. He told me he had an "idea" but wouldn't tell me what it was. When he picked me up, we went for a stroll and then got ice cream and then back to his place to watch The Mighty Boosh, which he had downloaded all of because I had been talking about it. We've been quoting Old Gregg a lot now... about 7 years too late.

Then he asked if I had plans for Valentine's Day. Obviously not. I told him I've never really celebrated it even when I was in relationships. So, we spent Valentine's together as cheesy as it is. We cooked pasta and cookies and watched Eternal Sunshine. We had a good time.

I think he might actually like me or something.