Maybe I'll just sleep

I was in a rare good mood when I made that last post.

I'm still depressed.

Often.

It's 3am and I just woke up after going to bed at 8pm.

I had a dream that I was a character in a video game. Everything looked like real-life. I was on horseback and there was snow on the ground and I was communicating with whoever my "player" was. It was a lot like LoZ. I had a sword but also a bow/arrow. I was collecting gold rupees. I was mostly just trying to find my way home. Instead of a "map" I had GPS. I was going the wrong way and had to turn around. The snow was confusing me because I was in TN. I took pictures with my phone so I could send them to my "player." That person wasn't controlling me. I was only talking to him/her like I was on the phone. I was going through these trails in the woods and I heard/saw someone go up a tree. I knew it was a thief and I pulled out my bow and arrow to shoot him so he wouldn't follow me, but I missed. He climbed back down and, very cordially, asked to sleep with me. Said he was following for that reason. My view was third person at this point and my character was a man. I told him no, and he accepted the no.

I'm home alone til Tuesday and don't have tv/cable/internet. That's fine with me. I don't use those things much anymore anyway. My only two friends who live near me are out of the state/country. It's just me and Bear right now. I'm taking Bear to dad's house tomorrow to stay til Tuesday because I can't leave him alone in his crate for 13 hours while I'm at work. So it's just going to be me in this quiet empty house that isn't mine.

Maybe I'll get some writing done.

Maybe I'll just sleep.

2gud2b

Would things be easier if there was a right way? Honey, there is no right way.


I overthink until it's irrelevant. I thought these things mattered, but I haven't reached that point yet. It doesn't matter. Am I even enjoying myself? I thought I was. I had a little spark, but it didn't last long. Am I eating my time?

Am I wasting my time.

There's not much of this year left.

- - - -

I fell asleep last night while writing that.

This is who I am now. I wake up at 6am everyday, even on days off. I fall asleep on accident most nights out of sheer exhaustion. I don't know who I am anymore, but I don't hate it. I kinda like this new found morning person I've become.

I'm scared to say anything, but things may finally be looking up. I felt today that I may finally be becoming happy again. There are good things going on in my life. I'm back on good terms with my parents. I visit them on most of my days off now. I finally got that raise at work I've so desperately needed (and honestly extremely deserved). I've been seeing a cute boy who is actually very nice unlike the other ones I've dealt with lately. He's too cute though. Definitely too good to be true. I think the catch is that he's allergic to dogs. And the catch is also that I'm too hurt to believe he has any genuinely good intentions, which is why I'm still struggling to feel excited about him. I've never held back so much in my life for fear of any effort being wasted.


I am no longer capable of reading people. I am still very much afraid.

I've told him next to nothing about what has happened to me this year. I've told him very little about my past in general. I see no point. The less I talk about it, the less I think about it... the blurrier it gets. Still waiting to Eternal Sunshine so much of it.

What's important is that my family and finances are getting better.

Don't fall in love with the moment and think you're in love with the girl

I'm finding it hard to feel anything at all when I know I'd normally feel enamored.

Don't get me wrong, it's all very lovely. I appreciate the niceness, but I don't know if it's real.

I just captured a small moment that I'd like to remember in case it is.

The Unobtainable Object

Veterans Day has ruined my day for two days in a row. I keep seeing pictures of the scrum who ruined my life. I'd rather see his picture on Memorial Day.

I was never much of a hateful person, but I won't ever forgive him.


I woke up from a mundane dream, but one I actually remember for once. I was telling someone about the Unobtainable Object and how I had met it before. It had remained out of reach then and over time since then. It was something I had only briefly known over the years. Of course, it was a person.

I've had a lot to talk about, but I don't know if I should. I've forgotten who I've told about this place. Oh well.


I've been meeting people. I used to always meet men with a friend for obvious safety reasons. Lately, I've met them alone. I've regretted that and remembered why I shouldn't do it. Still, that doesn't stop me.

I was talking to one who I was super into. He turned out to be flaky and disappeared a lot
I never even met him. I've pretty much determined he's probably a heroin addict or pill fiend. The signs are there. Was definitely my usual type. I dodged a bullet with that one - FOR ONCE.

There's another one who I already know and have known for awhile. Very nice to me and genuinely caring. I've considered it... but for some reason don't want to pursue. It's too weird to me, I think.

So, this brings me to something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

The curse is broken.

I've lived with it for so long that I don't know what this means. I don't know where to go from here, and I'm honestly a bit lost. I'm scared of what happens next. The curse was a pattern that I had gotten used to, would roll my eyes at under all the stress.

All those prospects have dissipated on their own and have rejected ME.

All those four-letter names are now four-letter words.

I'm just still paralyzed from the hell I had to go through to get here. It's like that last one was the pressure that broke the seal. I don't know for sure if it's over, but it feels like it.

Everything that was is no more and doesn't need to be. I still think of what I've lost in the transition, but I do accept it.

I'm hoping this is a new beginning and not a new cycle. Maybe I'll capture the Unobtainable Object.

Expectation is the root of all heartache

I've said on multiple occasions that absence does not make my heart grow fonder; absence makes my heart move on.

I can only tolerate excuses for so long. And my interest is very quickly slipping.

I wasn't planning on keeping my options open because I like to focus on one thing, but I'm definitely keeping them open.

If plans are made, they linger over me. I don't forget. I notice when someone disappears the day plans were meant to happen. I know this is intentional. I notice when someone re-appears way later in the day and talks to me like nothing happened. I know you didn't forget those plans too. I will never bring those plans up again. But I will always remember how someone was too much of a coward to just directly cancel the plans. The best excuse? "I don't feel like it." No matter what you tell me, that's what I'll hear, so just say it like it is. My absolute #1 pet peeve is waiting around. I fucking HATE wasted time. I used to cancel plans every time they were made because I was a giant introvert and would be uncomfortable with going out. You know what I would do even back then as shy as I was? I would tell the other party as early as possible that I couldn't go through with the plans. Just do that! I can think of multiple specific occasions with multiple specific people where this has happened, and I don't understand why it's such a common way to avoid plans. I've reached a point where if I have plans with one of these people, I make other deliberately make other plans knowing that person won't come through. I've yet to be wrong on this.

You know how timing is religious for me? It seems the timing is never right here.

After what I've been through, you'd think I would have raised my standards, but I've brought them down. I've lowered my expectations because people are disappointing. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm very confused right now as far as my self worth goes. I don't know what I deserve.

No one is real. No one is honest. I don't know why I didn't learn this sooner. I never thought I was naive, but I think I understand now.

I have a type. I date scroungy losers. I know this. I don't know why I do this. The time or two I've strayed from that, I've felt undeserving. But you know what? Even those people aren't as great as I once thought. They're fucking conniving. Relationships aren't a game with unlock codes. People aren't pawns. If you want something, you make it clear. If you don't want something, make it clear. I think I've been better lately about making my intentions or lack thereof very clear. I can't stand people who don't do the same.

I'm a master at moving on. I can emotionally detach like that. If I set my mind to it, it's done. I've been concerned about my memory lately because it has gone to absolute shit, but, at the same time, I'm glad so many things are gone. If only the rest of my mind would go.

I talk about this so much lately because I'm trying to figure out where I've gone wrong and where I'm still going wrong. I know if I keep going wrong; things may end up much worse than they already have...