Fools

I just don't get it. I mean, sometimes I feel like I get it, but, overall, I don't get.

Jack messaged me this morning asking if I felt any better. I said I felt worse. He came over and brought me medicine and later made me pancakes. And he was very touch-y tonight. Any time he would walk by me, he'd put his hand on my head or leg or just touch me somehow, but not inappropriately. Marcia even came over for a minute to borrow a video game from my roommate and leave. They didn't even talk to each other, which I'm sure was just a charade, but it didn't upset me. He hung out with me alone for awhile at the end of the night. He hugged me before he left, which is something he never does.

I'm thinking this cold I have won't get too bad. It's manageable right now.

I gave Steve Buscemi the Chameleon his first round of meds today. I also gave him a shower! I have never seen a lizard so happy! It warmed my heart. Giving a chameleon a shower is just turning the hot water on, and putting the chameleon near the stream, not directly under it. That way he gets all the humidity and warm moisture. It cleared his eyes up. He still hasn't been able to eat though. :/ He has really warmed up to me lately being sick and all. Maybe he can sense I am taking care of him. I'm so attached to the little guy.

Hanging out with Michael this weekend didn't work out thanks to me being sick. I've developed a cough now that has gotten progressively worse throughout the day. Hey, maybe tomorrow, I'll wake feeling a little better, and I'll get progressively better throughout the day! Eh? EH?

So anyway, I can't end this post being mad at Jack because he was so nice to me... But it's still fucked up what he has been doing lately. I mean, not necessarily the trying to see Marcia, but bringing her around me. Bringing her to my house and trying to get us to hang out together? No. It's also a little fucked up what she is doing because I know she knows about Jack and I. But I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up about it tonight, mostly because the medicine I took to help me sleep is really kicking in now.

"Sometimes you gotta play the roll of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they're fooling you."

If I last through the winter, I swear to you now I won't call

Vicious cold now settles in
My bones feel like their breaking through my skin
God damn you you're feeding on my loneliness
But I will not let you win, I won't let you win

I know I have the power to not let him have it all, but I'm still trying to gather the strength.

- - -

Let my just tell you about this fucking day I had: I woke up late at 7am. I didn't particularly rush to get ready, but I managed to leave the house around 7:30. THE GOOD: it was a good day at school. I very much enjoy my Tuesday/Thursday classes (hell, I actually enjoy all of my classes this semester - I somehow got it right giving myself a great LAST semester). The weather was excellent today. It was sunny and warm (for January), and Buckley had a progressive day at the dog park today - he had so much confidence! (Something we've been working on). Now, let me tell you about THE BAD: I woke up sick. It's a sore throat, and I thought maybe I was just dehydrated and it would go away... When I got home from school, Buckley peed [out of excitement] on my bed; He chewed up my winter boots while I was at school - they are destroyed; I had to rush my chameleon to the vet for an emergency because I discovered him on the verge of death (turns out he has a calcium deficiency somehow even though I LOAD his food with calcium - but he hasn't been eating for a few days which I had been worried about anyway); when I got back from the vet, Buckley peed on my bed AGAIN! (Fortunately, every time he does this it is on a blanket instead of the mattress - so I've been doing a lot of laundry lately...); I am sicker now than I was this morning - I heard Strep was going around, so I'm hoping I don't have it.

And, you know, despite all of that, I was still feeling pretty positive about my day until the very moment Jack walked in the door and immediately announced, "I've got [Marcia] with me."

I'm tired of feeling conflicted. He left clean underwear here, which is kinda like leaving a toothbrush at someone's house, isn't it? And I mean, he can totally have this girl if he wants her. I'd be okay with that. I'm just not okay with him having me as well. Forget all the stuff I said at the beginning of all this. I'm just not comfortable with it.

I wish I weren't so timid.

You keep me on the edge of my seat. I bite my tongue so you can't hear me. I want to hate every part of you in me.

Hey, Reader

Thanks for commenting! I was just really curious who it was and how they found this place (especially if it were somebody I know). It's fine if you remain anonymous. The reason I was concerned is because this blog is extremely personal and private (albeit on a public platform). This is just where I go to vent, hence the name Catharsis. Even if you were somebody I know, I'd probably be okay with you reading it, unless you were one of the few people I've been talking about lately (though names have been changed). I was just really confused where the views were coming from. The knowledge that someone will actually read what I say here is a bit strange, but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and not censor myself. If you ever feel the need to give feedback or advice, I'm always open for suggestions haha.

I'll never tell you how I feel

I can only give you my side and my side is riddled with doubts.

You know I'd rather work alone than play a supporting role... if I can't get the starring role.

I thought I was okay with this being open. I'm not. I'm okay with it not being a committed relationship, but I'm not okay with there being potential other girls so close to me.

He keeps inviting Marcia over. I'm in such a bad mood. He wants us all to play games together (I guess tonight it's gonna be Jenga?). I'm not into it. I'm going to let him have his Marcia-time uninterrupted by me.

EDIT: He came here after the gym, but went home to eat. It's almost 11pm and he never came back. I can only assume he is with Marcia (based on no solid evidence whatsoever), and it makes my stomach turn. I should have seen this from the beginning. I kinda did see this from the beginning. I had made sure that I only saw him in the light of a wolf. But somewhere in the last five months, I lost sight of that and began to have feels. And that is exactly why it needs to end.

Seriously, who is reading my blog? I can see how many views my individual posts get, and somebody as been viewing it lately. If you don't come forward, I'm going to have to get rid of this thing. I don't mind someone reading this so long as I know who it is. That's why my Facebook and Instagram are private. I don't want people seeing my business without me approving it first. Tell me who you are! At least acknowledge that I'm addressing you... you can comment (anonymously, even!) on this post...

I am singing all the same

You get a little and you just want more.

I've been in a real cruddy state of mind. I couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking. But I'm beginning to feel better. It feels good just knowing. I'm already making plans to move forward. Not forward in any concrete way, but I guess just moving on. It can't destroy my mental health any further. I'm toughening myself up! Hopefully haha.

I thought I wouldn't see Jack tonight. I thought when I had seen that message between him and Marcia that she said she could hangout "tomorrow," which would be today, but I'm not certain that's what I saw. The only thing I'm certain of is that I saw "When can you hangout?" sent by him. I know he's not interested in just a friendly actual hanging out. It's a means to an end for him. That's how it was with me. Except, now, with me, how can it be a means to an end when there is no end in sight? The end is on my accord.

Of course he messaged me though and said he'd be over later. He's getting food with Mat, which I guess I believe for now. I'll fill you in on what happens next.

I mean, I had the same mentality: I wanted it all. But I didn't fucking take it all. I chose to keep all the options open, but I didn't take them all...

EDIT: Well, we did hang out. And I do mean "hang out" by his definition of the phrase. I just can't be mad with a person when they are here in my presence and not doing anything wrong in front of me. Now, if you blatantly disrespect me or lie to my face (and I know you are lying), I'm gonna turn into a real bitch, but, otherwise... I'm just too nice. I'm just not angry right now. I'm fairly certain he didn't see Marcia at all today. And, I guess, until I am absolutely certain that he is seeing her, I'm going to let this be what it is. Unless it continues to fuck with my emotions. I'm pretty good at disregarding those though... Thanks, literally every single one of my past relationships.

I told N about how I'm considering probably distancing myself from "my fwb" since he's the only one who really knows. He and I have been texting today. He sent me a dick pic... as usual. I did not reciprocate. My dick ain't for cyberspace.

I may spend the weekend with Michael again if my weekend isn't too busy. I'm sure it'll be a lot like last time, lots of drinks and fun.

I'm just working through some things right now.