No dish on the side

I don't even know where to begin... When do I ever?

I have to talk about what's been a bit prevalent this week. I've made a new friend to say the least. He added me on Facebook about a week and a half ago (I think), and this week we've been talking a lot. I know he likes me based on the things he says to me and the fact that he asked me out on a date, and, to be honest, I like him too. I turned down his date offer though by telling him I have a boyfriend. Why'd he have to be so cute and charming?! I got lucky though. Unlike most guys, he's still talking to me. He told me a lot of times he ends up being the "other guy." We've already told each other a lot of personal stories of our pasts and past relationships.

I realize the "other guy" thing is his curse. Or liking girls and then finding out they have boyfriends. It fits well with my curse. So, anyway. I hope he doesn't expect me to leave my boyfriend for him or anything. Based on what he's told me, that has never happened in the past. I'm just really glad he didn't drop me like a bad habit when he realized we weren't going to be more than friends.

I had a conversation about that with Michael recently. When a guy who I genuinely like as a friend finds out that our "friendship" isn't going to turn into a relationship, a lot of times they'll slowly quit talking to me. I don't know if they realize how worthless that makes a person feel. I mean, I don't feel worthless so much as that was all I was worth to him. Michael is one of the few who didn't leave.

I think the "friendzone" is a myth. I mean, shit, you can't force somebody to be romantically attracted to you. And you can't expect your "niceness" to be rewarded with sex. It's fucking sick. That's still objectifying women and saying they're only good for sex despite how nice you think you're being. Friendzoned individuals obviously have no understanding of the rules of attraction. And I guess genuine friendship just doesn't exist in their minds. For me, personally, if I can't have someone, I feel much better at least getting to be their friend instead of never speaking to them again.

I mean, I hate to be THAT girl, but I'm more than a body. I appreciate when people like me for more than my looks, which I don't even think are that special in the first place.

When I started writing this, I didn't mean to say any of that.

Anyway, this new guy, who I'm going to call Mecha because that's his nickname in my phone, we skyped for 7 hours last night. When he pointed out how long we had been skyping, it blew my mind. I thought it had maybe been 3 hours or something. Haha. So that happened.

I'm getting nervous about going to Memphis in May with Max. We're going with his two friends, and I feel like I'm going to feel like a 3rd wheel... but more of a 4th wheel since there's three of them. I mean, they're his two best friends, and it seems to me they've been a trio for years. I don't want to intrude or disrupt the order of things... We'll see how it all goes.

Oh, and don't take what I said about Mecha the wrong way. I can't help that I have a little crush on him. That doesn't mean that I don't still adore Max. Max and I have a good thing going, and I wouldn't do anything to fuck that up.

You just know how I like to talk about things that are new and exciting to me.

It's like you don't even care at all

So, I told my mom about Max finally. I was really nervous.

I told her who he really is and that we're going to Memphis in May together and all that jazz. She said she was relieved. She knew that I was being secretive about this person I was talking to, and she thought it had to be someone she knew (she was right). But she thought it was Robert, who she doesn't particularly like. I don't know why she doesn't like him. I will never know. I feel like she has no reason to dislike him, but whatever. She disliked Pamp too.

Anyway, she said she always liked him and thought he was cute, so it's all good. (she didn't have a crush on it, she just recognized his good looks... just to make that clear).

I texted Max while he was at work and said that Mom knows now. He responded with, "Is that bad? Tell me everything!!" So I told him we should skype when he gets off work so I could tell him about it. He never responded until he got off work... saying he was going to go home and go to sleep. So, I guess he doesn't care.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt because I completely understand being too tired for social interaction, especially after working for a long time...

It's just that... every time skype is ever put on the table, it never happens. And it's always on him because I am ALWAYS at my computer and ready to skype at any moment (when I'm expecting it). I need to severely lower my expectations. I really don't even know why I suggested it at all. I should have known this would happen, but I didn't.

I know it's not a big deal at all, and that I'm doing a lot of unnecessary whining about it, but I just really need to vent when I really expect something to happen and get my hopes up and it doesn't happen...

And you know, the fact that my mom knows about us now actually kind of IS a big deal as far as this relationship is concerned.

And now he's messaging me on Facebook a lot, so he's obviously very tired (sarcasm warning). But I guess I can't ignore the effort, even if it's a small one.

I'm just in a bad mood now... And now all I want to do is sleep.

This may have something to do with me being abnormally overemotional lately which is weird because I usually have zero emotions at all.

what the fuck

(bah. but i still fucking love you)

Mid April Update

I realize it has been a couple weeks. And I've toyed with the idea of showing him this place, but I know I can't do that. This is the last place I have to myself.

I know I say it at least once every six months or so, but it's been on my mind every single day for awhile now. I need to better myself. I really need to. I'm going to work on. I know I always make excuses. Always try to ease into it. But I need to do more than that. I think it will work this time since it the thought hasn't left my mind in weeks. (Usually I forget about it within a couple of days of proposing it).

I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to create more art. I want to do so much! I've got to change my diet and start exercising or something to get energy. My biggest inhibitor my complete and total constant exhaustion. I thought going to the doctor and finally getting diagnosed with anemia and being put on iron would somehow magically cure this tiredness, but it's still the same if not worse, and I'm getting so desperate for energy. You have no idea how frustrating it is to be passing out while physically fighting your eyelids as hard as you can every. single. day. It's like lifting weights that are just too heavy for me.

Oh my God, I realize I haven't mentioned this here yet: BRIGHTEN IS GOING ON TOUR. With The Maine, This Century, and Rocket. It's like the best dream team line-up meant-to-be been-waiting-for-this-tour ever! At first, when they released the dates, there were none in Tennessee, so I was really weighing on whether to go to Atlanta or Birmingham (or even DC because a friend suggested it and I would get to meet her and the trip would be nice as well as visiting the city). But today they added a Nashville date, and I have never fangirled so hard! I am ECSTATIC! You have no idea. This is all I've been wanting. To finally get to SEE BRIGHTEN is an actual item on my bucket list that I will hopefully get to cross off now.

Max is going to take me (per his request).

I spent this last weekend at Max's house. It was a last minute thing, but it was so special as always. We watched Wristcutters finally like I've been wanting for so long. He liked it. I know we've only been together about four months, but he's just really something special.

So... I talked to mom on the phone last night and she asked if I still talk to "Maximilian" (Poppa had actually remembered his name this last time they talked, and he also said he really liked "Maximilian"). She didn't call him Maximilian obviously. She called him by his full first name though (which is how he introduced himself to Poppa), but since Max is his moniker here, I went with the full version of Max to have the same effect. So anyway... I talked to Max about it, and I'm going to tell mom who he really is this weekend when I go home. I've already planned my defense in my head: at least I'm not pregnant or addicted to drugs. I mean, the fact that she has asked me so little about him already implies that she's giving me my space because (as teenagery as it sounds for me to say this) I think she recognizes that I'm an adult and my personal life is now just that: personal. Oh, but she's probably burning with curiosity.

So much more I can say here about everything... I never talk about school. I don't know. I'm just not so interested in school... I do have some friends here though. You know, since I lost ALL my friends from last semester, I didn't think I'd have any this semester. But I've met Nick, my lab partner (by choice, not assigned) and Evan, my 3D partner (by choice, not assigned). And when I catch him around, a guy from my 2D class last semester Brian (we mostly talk about music and books, which are good things to talk about).

In 3D, we're about to be working in the wood shop, which for some reason absolutely terrifies me. I have absolutely no desire to operate power tools, especially ones that can cut my clumsy little fingers off...

Well, there's 2 and a half weeks of school left (then finals week). My grades haven't been as high as I'd like them to be (mostly Cs and Bs this semester), so I'm going to try to work my ass of these last two weeks to get As on my last few tests/homeworks/projects to hopefully raise my final grades a bit. I think I can do it. Well, I know I can. It's just a matter of whether I'll procrastinate and fuck it all up...

I didn't expect to write this much when I first started writing this. I'm tried as always and was just going to type a few quick sentences. But sometimes, as demonstrated, I get too into it and go all the way.

I know that it's a secret...

...and that I gotta keep it, but I want the lights on...

I don't want it to be a secret anymore. I just want everyone to know.

We went on a date Friday night. We went out to dinner and then we saw my cousin Bill's band play. It was a lot of fun! My grandpa was there. I didn't expect to see him and he didn't expect to see me. So, he met Max. He called him Mike. (Max isn't his real name. That's the name I use for him on here and Tumblr). Max also got to meet Bill and Pat and Heather. So... he got to meet the more interesting side of the family. Anyway, we had a really nice time.

Today is Mom's birthday. I called her and she said she had spoken to Poppa. Poppa told her about Max. Except he, again, forgot his name. So Mom asked me who "Patrick" was. I laughed so much. I told her his real [first] name. She still doesn't actually know who it is. She didn't ask any more questions though. I am thankful for that.

Last night I told Max we should "come out" on Facebook today since it's April Fool's Day. The joke would be that it's actually not a joke. Like that one ecard that goes something like: How to come out of the closet on Halloween - go as a gay guy and then stay that way. We would "trick" everyone by saying we're dating, and then we'd just keep it that way. He thought it was a funny idea, but we didn't do it.

Of course.

I texted him just now while he's at work and told him about my conversation with mom. Well, here's how it went:

Me: So, I just talked to Mom (today is her birthday), and she has spoken to Poppa.
Max: Oh no
Me: She asked who "Patrick" was. I laughed so much.
Max: Hahahahaha
        Mike, Washington, now Patrick
Me: I knew he wouldn't remember your name lol. I told her your real (first) name, but she doesn't know it's you, and she didn't ask anymore questions.
Max: Lol so, we are out? we should be. im tired of being quiet about my awesome gf.
Me: We're not quite out, but we don't have to be quiet anymore if you want. :P
Max: I just didn't want silly people affect us. I am glad your mom knows. I'm just happy to have you as my girlfriend. Don't really carea bout much else. :)
Me: She doesn't actually know it's you though.

So, like... I guess he would be okay with us being public, but at the same time I feel like he doesn't really want to announce it. I liked the Facebook idea, but I don't know...

Now isn't a good time to talk about it because he's at work, but I guess I'll revisit the subject again soon.

Keep Up

I got this message this morning from Max's best friend. Max told me this friend asked to add me on Facebook. Max said no, but he added me anyway. And then he sent me this message this morning after they were hanging out last night. It just makes me really happy. What kind of fairytale am I living?

This friend and I have never met. He knows who I am and that it's our relationship is mostly a secret. And that's all I know. I think he's a cool guy though and a good friend to Max.