Everything and Nothing

I just don't know what to say. I want to say something, but at the same time I don't want to talk about it.

I've been way too busy. Been working on midterms... Nikki and I went on a lesbian sushi date the other night. That was fun. A new experience too. I had some delicious food that I've never had before (including sushi). Um, we're not really lesbians, but from the outside, we totally look like we are, so why not.

I get to go home this weekend! My birthday is Friday, and Nikki and I are getting a ride with her friend Kayla who lives in Nashville and whose birthday is the day after mine. She's going home for the weekend for her birthday, and we're going to tag along.

Mom wants to go to South Carolina to see Caleb. I don't know how we're going to manage this in a weekend. I want to, but I'd have to miss class Monday, and I really hate to miss class. If that doesn't happen though, I really want to go out to eat at Maggiano's or Mikado.

Or maybe I'll get drunk with Fonz and Cleve. That would be all right, too. Ha, cuz I told them I *might* be in town Saturday.

Are you a clingy person when it comes to relationships?
Quite the opposite. I very much enjoy my alone time (that and sleep are gold nowadays). And in the current relationship I'm in now, I've grown so used to being apart, it's almost as if I'm not in a relationship at all.

Have you ever fallen over infront of someone you liked?
Hell, I don't know.

If you were on a bus and some random man grabbed your ass what would you do
I'm not sure what I would do...

Have you ever been bitten so hard that their teeth marks were there after?
When I was young, my siblings and I fought dirty. Very, very dirty.

Ever been given a hickey? (Love bite)
No. I've specifically told Nate in the past not to do that. Not sure if he ever intended it or not, but I would be so angry if I got one. They're trashy.

Ever gave one?
Never.

Are you more of an outgoing type or shy type?
Shy, I suppose. But I'm not on the complete end of the spectrum.

Do you think it's weird if guys wear make-up like eyeliner?
It looks stupid if not for theatrical purposes.

Are you self conscious? If so what are you self conscious about?
Everything.

Are you flirty at all?
I have to hold back. A few guys flirt with me all the time, and I feel like it's wrong to flirt back because we both know I have a boyfriend. But I also think flirting is harmless, so long as both sides know it's not going to lead to anything else.

Are you racist at all?
I honestly don't think I am.

Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest)
That's too vague.

Do you own a pair of them really cool "geeky" glasses?
I own a pair of them really REAL prescription glasses...

Do you find it that younger girls are becoming more "tarty"?
I've never heard that word used in that context before. I'm going to go with yes.

Would you rather adopt or have your own child?
Well, I'd rather have my own, but adopting would eliminate pregnancy... haha.

Ever cried over laughter?
Plenty of times.

When you go to the beach do you always put sunscreen on?
Not always. I should. I don't often go to the beach...

Who was your last text from?
Pamp... We're on speaking terms again. As in, speaking every single day.

What did it say?
Drink drank its this pop that makes you sleep.
(he said "pop." How cute.)

Who was your last text sent to?
Him.

What did it say?
I sent him a picture of the project I did in class saying, "My one hour is up! :D A drink that helps you sleep, you say?"

Are you a stereotyper?
Um... Possibly.

Do you like loud noises?
No.

Do you sometimes wish some people had a mute button?
Ohhh yes.

What is the most personal question you have ever been asked?
I've been asked ever personal question under the sun.

What would you class as cheating on someone?
Being physically involved with someone else.

Do you care about other peoples feelings more than your own?
Unfortunately.

Are you for war or against it?
I'm against it, of course, but I'm also aware that it's inevitable.

Hoping For The Best...

...Just hoping nothing happens.

Those internal conflicts from December are back. I knew they would be though, so I'm not stressing over it so much this time. I'm just sitting on them. It's all the same stuff, and really I don't have to make any decisions for awhile. I'm focusing on myself. I'm focusing on school.

Speaking of which, I guess I fucked up my FAFSA or something because the school I'm hoping to go to next year is sending me emails saying to fix stuff...

I checked my FAFSA, which is all there. For this year AND last. The website the email is telling me to go to requires a username and password that can only be obtained by ALREADY ADMITTED STUDENTS. I can't fix the shit they want me to because I don't have an account on their website because I'm not a current student. The fuck is this shit? It's almost not worth it to go to that school anymore... I've got a few other options... (I'm not giving up. I'm just saying this is difficult as fuck).

I called home. No one answered.

I called the other day, though, and Johnny answered! He's well enough to be out of the hospital! He sounded rough and weak, but it's good to know he's doing better.

Instead of getting started early on homework (like I really, really should be doing). I'm going to watch My Week With Marilyn and probably fall asleep.

Thoughts

You people think I don't know shit.

I only wrote that because I just said it out loud to no one. I'm the only one here.

I hate being influenced. I hate being aware of the wolf and his tricks and still falling for them. On purpose. At the same time, I don't hate it.

Yay! I'm vague.

I completely forgot what else I was going to say here.

A lot of my midterms are due a week early, which means next week. So, I'm going to be extremely busy this weekend. I can do it though. Last semester I spent 6 straight hours a day 3 days in a row working on one sketchbook. I can get shit done.

Yeah, this was pointless. I had thoughts, but I haven't yet worded them.

Better

From what I've heard, Johnny is doing better. Such a relief.

Today, February 20th, I've decided to better myself. I'm tired of everything and need to make some major changes. I've drawn this conclusion and decision multiple times in the past. But, dammit! Maybe this time I'll actually do it.

EDIT: Later that night...

You're speaking all the right words with all the bright words
And I must say, it's quite impressive

(conversation about drinking coffee and my height leads to...)
P: Better than bouncing off the walls for an hour so you can crash and pass out lol guess how tall my last ex was?

Me: Maybe I need to bounce off the wall for awhile and then crash and pass out! Haha. I'm gonna guess 5'1". Am I close?

P: Not if youve got work to do lol and youre off by a foot 6'1" but i dumped her cuz i dont think i should be with a girl and like another girl more lol so now im just buggin you ;)

Me: Wow, she's tall! D: Aww, I feel kinda bad that you'd end relationships if that other person is me.

P: Ive had three gf around that height and a few in the upper four foot range lol and it was you but its not like you did anything wrong

He really was just with a girl and broke up with her...

I keep trying to remind myself that he's just a player with really good game, but after all these months I may be starting to believe him.

The way it looked before felt better from the window

Johnny had a heart attack. His blood sugar was so high, they couldn't read it. His kidneys failed. He has a white blood cell count of over 6000 and they don't know where the infection is. They got his kidneys working again but only at 20-30%. Which is good because he told mom once that if his kidneys failed, he would give up. Didn't want to be on dialysis. I've tried hard not to worry too much and not to cry. Failed. I told Nate, and he called me (he's only ever called me a handful of times, ever). I almost didn't answer because I can't stand to let anyone hear me cry over the phone. But I held myself together (barely) long enough for the conversation. I just hope everything is going to be okay...