Pointless Thoughts

And I continue to be ignored... by everyone. It's always the times that you need it most, when there is no one there to talk to. I don't want to tell people about my problems... I just want some company. And like... texting... the very least you could do is text me back. It's the minimum means of communication. But you take minimum to an even smaller level. :/

I'm starting to feel a lot like I did three months ago, and I can't stand it. I just want to be happy. I just want to make it through these next two weeks. I keep telling myself it's only two more weeks. Only three more days of *this* class. I'm so unbelievably stressed.

I skipped my morning class this morning. Only 8 people actually showed up (that's about half the class), so I don't feel too bad about it. It was my third day. You only get three. Anymore after that, you fail. I'm not planning on missing anymore. Like I said, there's only three more class days left for that class. I just really need to get on top of things. Hopefully tomorrow I can get everything done.

I wish I could just put my foot down and get shit done, but I think I've accepted the fact that I'm just plain lazy. I still firmly believe that procrastination is a disorder, perhaps an incurable one at that. It's really fucking me up. I tried very hard not too long ago to get out of the habit of procrastination. I don't know what happened, but my efforts were futile. I thought it was actually working for a minute. I thought I was making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. And, now, somehow, I'm back to where I started.

- - -

It's hard fighting back tears when you're in a room full of people. I hate being this emotionally unstable. I hate admitting defeat.

Not This Again

Being back in Memphis has made me miserably depressed. I mean, I knew I didn't want to come back, but I didn't expect this to happen.

I went to bed last night at 8pm. That's the earliest I've been to bed since... hell, probably since August when I was miserably depressed last time. I slept until noon today. That's sixteen hours... I wouldn't have gotten out of bed if Nikki wasn't home for lunch.

I'm so stressed. I have Drawing homework to do by tomorrow morning. I also have to write a four-page paper by tomorrow, but it involves going to the museum, which is closed today and tomorrow. Just my fucking luck. I could easily write the paper tonight if I knew what to write it about...

So, that's probably not going to get turned in on time, which will most likely severely and negatively affect my grade. Great. I've done so well until now, too...

I'm really going to struggle these next two weeks, but god dammit! There's only two weeks left! I can make two more weeks... I hope. It's going to be one big constant struggle though.

There's talk of snow tonight. People are hoping classes get canceled. We're not in high school anymore. Colleges don't cancel classes often. We live on campus... we can walk to school (even though we have to cross a busy four-way intersection to get there. I guess, though, for the minority of students who live off-campus and drive to school, not to mention the professors who all drive to school, it would be good to cancel? I'm not getting my hopes up though. It's not going to happen. It's not even going to snow.

Nate is going to some banquet with some girl. He explained that she's "just a friend" and that she asked him. I don't think he knows that I really don't care.

Um... I have shit to do that I'm probably not going to do. So, that's all for now.

I learned how to stay quiet, just stay quiet

The thing I expected to happen, did not. I'm kinda glad it didn't though because as big a deal as it is not, it terrifies me. To anyone who may be reading this, it's not even anything physical. It's something serious. I'm not sure why it scares me so much.

I was thinking last night, while we were just sitting on the couch watching a movie, that I'm way too young to feel this way. Too many internal struggles constantly pulling back and forth. One thing, I'm glad I've kept it to myself this long. I'm going to continue to do that.

I also realized the other day that my life is literally Twilight. I hate to admit it, but at the moment, it's scarily accurate. I don't know if this needs explanation or not, but I don't feel like going into detail. It's all set up in my mind, and that's where it needs to stay right now.

Another realization within the last couple of days: I am a curse upon myself. I don't mean this to sound conceited by any means because I'm far from it, but my looks and my personality, apparently, are a curse.

I guess sometimes it's a good thing to have no one to talk to, to tell every last thought to. At least I don't have to regret anything.

Speaking of regrets... nope. Still have none. "They're on their way but ain't here yet."

Yesterday with Nate was eventful. All those internal struggles though...

I always prefer writing these blogs with my thoughts as opposed to the ones with the events in my life lately. But I think they're both necessary. For myself. One day this whole blog will mean something.

So, today I'm going to see Daddy. I don't know how I'm getting there yet. I'll find a way.

Also, Nikki is coming back to Memphis with me! She's busy packing and moving today, but we're picking her up in the morning and heading 4 hours west. Man, I can not wait for these last two weeks to be over...

Well, my day is only halfway through, so I may come back and add to this later tonight.

EDIT: I'm back from my dad's house. I got to see everyone. Daddy, Keith, Mike, Ryan, Jake and Krista, Taz, Rudy, Kit Kat... but no puppies. Apparently, today before I got there, someone stole the puppies... Dad went to the store and the puppies were in the driveway and Keith saw a silver-ish SUV stop and take all of them... So, I've been pretty sad about that. I can only hope whoever took them intends on taking care of them (though I know that's not likely). I can only hope that whoever took them just couldn't resist cuz they were just so god damned cute...

Anyway, I found out that Mike listens to a lot of the *ahem* heavier (I refuse to say hardcore, although I guess technically it's considered post-hardcore and idk the difference and I hate sub-genres anyway so I refuse to say it) must that I do. Like Memphis May Fire, Asking Alexandria, and Pierce the Veil. I was mildly surprised.

Anyway, I have to wake up early in the morning. We gotta go an hour to Hermitage to pick up Nikki and then 4 hours back to Memphis. I'm getting more and more stressed just thinking about it... only 2 more weeks.

Schism

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them fall away.

I've got quite a bit to say. It's 1am and Thanksgiving is now over.

So, I left Memphis at 11pm and got to Hermitage at 3am... The next day, I watched The Blues Brothers for the first time with Robert and Judge. Pretty good movie. Then Nikki and Fonz came over. Yep, Fonz drove all the way from Dickson to hang out! It was fun. We watched Dead Snow, which was a little cheesy.

Today was Thanksgiving. ("was" because technically it's now Friday). I got to see my family, excluding Caleb.

I always get sad on these family Holidays because Daddy spends them alone. I love my family, but I'd like for Daddy to be there too. I really want to see him. I'd like to spend Thanksgiving with him... I'm going to make it a point to absolutely go see him while I'm home. I've got to squeeze a lot into my schedule, but I'll do it.

So, Nick brought his current girlfriend Autumn and Pamp. I already like Autumn more than his last girlfriends. And I actually did get to see Pamp. I almost expected not to. We actually had a hell of a lot of fun. The whole day was fun, but Pamp and I wrestled most the time haha.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Nate. I suspect something big, relationship-wise, to happen. I'll talk about it later.

I hope to go to my dad's house on Saturday. Then maybe Nikki will come over that night and we'll go back to Memphis on Sunday.

The thing about that is I'm not sure if Nikki is going back to Memphis. Which makes me extremely anxious. Long story short, her mom is being evicted and Nikki needs to stay and help her move, and she doesn't know if she's coming back to school these last two weeks.

If she doesn't come back, she will fail all of her classes. If she fails (even one class), she no longer receives financial aid. If she quits receiving financial aid, there's no way she can come back to school next semester. If she drops out of school, there's no way she can go to Chicago, where she originally planned to go and was going to go to next year.

I just really hope everything works out for everybody...

Strange Times

Never underestimate a girls ability to find things out. That is one of my favorite phrases and it will always hold true with me. I amaze myself sometimes. Really, I do.

So, I was a little curious and I found some things out. I must say, my results were absolutely adorable. I know this makes no sense to anyone but me. And when I come back and look at this in the future, it probably won't even make sense to me anymore. I felt better about myself after my "research" though.

Let's just say I discovered someone's initial feelings toward me, and they were in no way negative.

So, lately, I've had such a huge boost of self-esteem. It's true, unfortunately, that people like to hit on you when you're not single. Next time I am single, I know I won't have this much attention. I don't get it. People want what they can't have. I've never felt more wanted in my life, and it's kind of a good feeling, but it also tears me apart. I'm bringing other people down, and I never like doing that. :/

Okay, so I'm just going to say it. ^That concerns mainly Pamp. He keeps thinking he can steal me away from Nate. I've never been in a situation like this before. I very much love talking to him, but there is no way I'm going to get back together with him. He must be delusional! And I don't know why he cares so much about this anyway. I live 300 miles away. When he went far away, he couldn't stay faithful. He tries saying that Nate is far away surrounded by girls and I don't know what he's doing. Yes, that is true. But the difference between Pamp and Nate is that Nate is not a player. Pamp has mastered the game.

That doesn't mean I'm not tremendously flattered. However, I guess it's my turn to make him feel stupid.

Not only him though. There's also Dann always coming on to me since he moved back to Dickson and in the last couple of months, I've had three guys from high school confess their crushes on me haha.

All these happenings lately... I've made playlists for people in my life, past and present. If only those people could hear these songs and see how I really feel. I don't think any of them would even know how to access them, let alone know they're about them.

So... in current events, I only have one day of class tomorrow, then I get to go home for 5 days! :3 Don't tell anyone, but I'm probably going to see Pamp on Thanksgiving. That's what he says anyway. I don't feel guilty about it though because it's not like anything is going to happen. I don't know what he expects, but he better not get his hopes up. I'll crush them. Oh! Revenge is a dish best served cold, isn't it?

Ha, I'm not malicious, and I never intended revenge. If I wanted revenge, I would date him again and cheat on him, but that ain't how I do. I have too much of a heart for that. Plus, I'm a dog person by nature.

;)

I'm also going to see Nate. I feel it will be eventful. I hope all this dullness in our relationship inflates back into greatness. I feel like he's completely oblivious to just how dull it is. He thinks I'm a safe bet, that this is a sure thing. We may have to have a serious talk. Yes, one of those "We need to talk" moments. He needs to know that this isn't a sure thing. We still need to put effort into. It's not gonna just be.

I almost feel like I just want to go off and be independent for awhile. I kinda just want to be me. A single, solitary being. I don't want to break up with Nate though. I really couldn't do that to him. He would be devastated, and I just couldn't do that.

So, anyway. I get to see my family on Thanksgiving. That will be fun. I'm so lucky to have an awesome family. Caleb won't be there though. I found out that when he gets out of boot camp in January, he's going straight to school in South Carolina. And we may not be able to attend his Basic graduation because it's going to be in Chicago in January and that's not the best time for weather in Chicago... We shall see.

Well, I need to get started on my homework. After Thanksgiving break, there's only two weeks of the semester left, and I need to get on top of things!