It might be time to start getting some things out again.  I'm feeling happier these days—to a degree—but there's always this alphabet soup sloshing around in my head that could only benefit me if I pour it out.  

I feel like I'm going through another little crisis. I feel like everything is wrong.  I feel like doubling-down out of spite. But I'm so tired.  I feel guilty that I might be leading this boy on. I don't want to waste his time or be seen as a waste of time.  But when he says things like, "keep it up,  and I'm going to put a baby in you" he has no idea how much that drives me away. It gives me the ick. It puts me on a panic. I should come clean with him that I don't want kids. He met me in a manic time of turmoil that had me questioning everything, including my future.  I thought maybe kids could be in my future. But I'm not okay with the idea now. I've been with this boy a few months, and it still feels new. I can't bring myself to call him my boyfriend even though that's what he is. He talks like we've got forever together, and that freaks me out too. 

Lane and I message each other casually.  He told me coming over to my house to get his stuff was the most fun he has had in months. He hints at still liking me. But I'm realizing his communication is worse than mine. I have a serious problem with speaking my mind, but I'll say it if someone else opens the door. I gave him the whole floor and told him to "just say it" and he won't.  He hints at being depressed and lonely but won't talk about it.  I suggested therapy but we know he won't.  

But because he is so difficult,  it makes me realize, yeah, this is why we didn't work, and it's why we never will. Neither of us can communicate. It makes me want to go in deeper with Javier because he seems to actually be into me and does try to force me to talk. It's uncomfortable sometimes but I tell myself it's what I needed. 

I know there are red flags. It feels like he wants me all to himself. Like no friends,  no going out, etc. He talks like I don't need pets because I "have him now." He wants to "put a ring on that finger" and "put a baby in me." Lately he has been trying to convince me that my IUD is detrimental to my health.  I KNOW this is all controlling behavior.  I've called him out on some of it before. But I'm going to see him again. And again and again. I convinced myself that parts are things I need. The universe plays some bug joke on me with all my relationships. Gives me everything I've been lacking but desiring from a human who is so far from what I would typically associate with. He's got all these red flags, but he gives me all the things that Lane didn't: attention, texts back, makes me communicate, and the other things I mentioned in a previous post. 

I just know, deep down, that this isn't it. And I'm riddled with guilt knowing I'm being a waste of time. 

I guess Lane still loves me. He came over the other day to collect some things he left behind. He showed up with his hair all done up (if you know him, you know) and wearing cologne. He wanted to get food together. Offered to buy. I declined, of course.  I just have been trying to move on. I'm not sure if it's working. I still feel a lot of feelings but the most prevalent one is hurt.

Now I'm a little drunk:

I hid this blog because I was worried Javier might find it. I don't think he did. He told me he was going to research me? I realized this place isn't hard to find when you figure out my old screen name for stuff, but men are bad at digging, so I think I'm safe.  

To be straight, I believe Lane is my soul mate. I can see myself with him forever, granted we figure out how to overcome our issues, which, to me, have always been fixable. Some things,  like his mommy issues, would require professional help though. And I'm not perfect; I still need to learn how to communicate. I just have never felt like I could find someone I can connect with on the same level as I did with him. It's possible I could if I could find someone else that I can stand being with for 5 years... but who knows. 

I have my qualms about Javier. He just seems so insecure about certain things, and I still get the vibe that he can be controlling. I am riddled with anxiety that maybe I'm leading him on. He is the opposite (not physically cuz he's HOT, but personality-wise) of what I would ever go for, but my thinking was since no one else ever worked out, then maybe I should give this a shot. But I'm already starting to see signs that I won't be happy with in the long run.  

All that to say,  I am starting to feel pretty depressed. I wish I hadn't dragged anyone else into my life and just focused on me for a bit longer.  But here we are.  

I just hope that if they come back to bite me in the ass, they don't ruin my life like the ones from my past.

I've been keeping busy to keep my mind off of things, as usual.  But I was slowed down by a storm, and I let it roam. And now I physically feel sick. And I've realized that I don't think I could love right now.