emotional baggage

I had the thought that I should hide my revenge posts. The fact that I want to hide them means that I feel shame.  I know I'm the bad guy. 

And I know it's not going to last.

I've been trying to put extra focus into this relationship. Trying to, maybe,  re-ignite the flame or something.  It's just hard when it's not reciprocated. 

I was talking to him on the phone the other day while he drove home from buying his new car.  He was on the way home... as in his mom's house.  And, as usual,  his mom calls in. He abruptly ends the conversation with me and hangs up to get her call.  The woman he is literally driving to. He always hangs up with me and drops everything for her. So when he tried to call me back a whole hour later, I didn't answer.  I wasn't in the mood.

He came and saw me for the weekend.  

But when he left work, he, as usual,  disappeared for hours. I texted him 2 hours after he got off work asking if he was on the way yet. Didn't hear back for another hour or so until he finally said he just left...  at 8pm. It's a 2-hour drive. We had dinner plans.  They did not happen. 

When he arrived at my house at nearly 10 o' clock at night,  he told me he had "planned" to leave a lot sooner but was asked by his mom and sister to do a very time-consuming task that he most certainly obliged.  Never once thought to inform me,  who was waiting up for him. So I finally said some of the things I had bottled up all this time.  Told him this is always the case. And how I am always on the backburner and never a priority.  He tried to lie and say I am,  so I told him I sure don't feel like one.  

That's when he tried to say that I was lying and that he comes with this baggage and my options were to accept or break up with him.  

He has a VERY high self-worth so must have thought I would choose the former option. I just said "okay" and ended it there.  I am 90% into the latter option.  I know I'm not going to continue to accept it.  Thanks to him being completely unwilling to even consider seeing it from my side,  I am ready to call it quits.

And what perfect timing because the fucking boy has reappeared out of nowhere. 

I'm tired of being unhappy 

Actually,  everything is just about the same. 

You'd think I'd learn that things don't change. 

I'm foreseeing the same outcome too. 

water

All of my dreams involve a body of water.  

I had one last night where I was underwater. Every time I tried to progress, I started drowning. 

Details: I was in a multi-room underwater "house," and the boy was there.  He was in one room the whole time.  I guess everyone could breathe underwater cuz that wasn't an issue.  I kept leaving the room to check on things and do stuff around the house.  The boy waited. If return, and we'd start making out or heavy petting or whatnot.  Every time, though, I could no longer breathe and would start drowning. 

This seems pretty easy to interpret. IRL I think he wanted to progress the relationship,  and though he never made me feel pressured, I still felt pressured and obviously couldn't do it.  He def waited around for me,  so I completely understand why he gave up and disappeared.  (Not to mention the parts he didn't know....) 

I immediately went into a completely different dream that involved a structure with many stories on the edge of a lake or bay or some massive waterway. Things were falling into the water. 

Details: the details are mostly lost with this one. 

Does it mean anything at all?

idle hands

I seriously just miss someone talking to me consistently. It's the bare fucking minimum and what kept me hanging on. I rarely say I miss people because I rarely think of someone and wish they were here.  But,  like... I do miss him.  I just do. I know it's not right,  and I'm not going to do anything about it.  I just didn't expect to be so sad about it.  I intentionally tried to keep him at arm's length because I knew this had to happen eventually. 

I hate that I now pine for something else.  Something more than what I have now. I am a little unsatisfied and doubtful, and I don't know how to quell these feelings. There seems to be a void. The way I was filling it was unhealthy, but it kept me occupied. Now I've got this idle mind and these idle hands.