I'm tired of being unhappy 

Actually,  everything is just about the same. 

You'd think I'd learn that things don't change. 

I'm foreseeing the same outcome too. 

water

All of my dreams involve a body of water.  

I had one last night where I was underwater. Every time I tried to progress, I started drowning. 

Details: I was in a multi-room underwater "house," and the boy was there.  He was in one room the whole time.  I guess everyone could breathe underwater cuz that wasn't an issue.  I kept leaving the room to check on things and do stuff around the house.  The boy waited. If return, and we'd start making out or heavy petting or whatnot.  Every time, though, I could no longer breathe and would start drowning. 

This seems pretty easy to interpret. IRL I think he wanted to progress the relationship,  and though he never made me feel pressured, I still felt pressured and obviously couldn't do it.  He def waited around for me,  so I completely understand why he gave up and disappeared.  (Not to mention the parts he didn't know....) 

I immediately went into a completely different dream that involved a structure with many stories on the edge of a lake or bay or some massive waterway. Things were falling into the water. 

Details: the details are mostly lost with this one. 

Does it mean anything at all?

idle hands

I seriously just miss someone talking to me consistently. It's the bare fucking minimum and what kept me hanging on. I rarely say I miss people because I rarely think of someone and wish they were here.  But,  like... I do miss him.  I just do. I know it's not right,  and I'm not going to do anything about it.  I just didn't expect to be so sad about it.  I intentionally tried to keep him at arm's length because I knew this had to happen eventually. 

I hate that I now pine for something else.  Something more than what I have now. I am a little unsatisfied and doubtful, and I don't know how to quell these feelings. There seems to be a void. The way I was filling it was unhealthy, but it kept me occupied. Now I've got this idle mind and these idle hands. 

life: an update

The boy has faded away, I guess. I'm unsure why, but I don't need the closure.  I just hope he is happy.  One of us should be,  and we all know it was never going to be me.

I got a raise at my job finally.  I'm going to try it out for awhile, but I am so burned out on this fucking job consuming my every waking moment and zapping me of all my energy. I can't get anything done.  I can't maintain friendships. I can't relax. It's no way to live.

I went to Florida and swam with manatees for my birthday.  It was cold.  

I'm still very much constantly full of doubt.