idle hands

I seriously just miss someone talking to me consistently. It's the bare fucking minimum and what kept me hanging on. I rarely say I miss people because I rarely think of someone and wish they were here.  But,  like... I do miss him.  I just do. I know it's not right,  and I'm not going to do anything about it.  I just didn't expect to be so sad about it.  I intentionally tried to keep him at arm's length because I knew this had to happen eventually. 

I hate that I now pine for something else.  Something more than what I have now. I am a little unsatisfied and doubtful, and I don't know how to quell these feelings. There seems to be a void. The way I was filling it was unhealthy, but it kept me occupied. Now I've got this idle mind and these idle hands. 

life: an update

The boy has faded away, I guess. I'm unsure why, but I don't need the closure.  I just hope he is happy.  One of us should be,  and we all know it was never going to be me.

I got a raise at my job finally.  I'm going to try it out for awhile, but I am so burned out on this fucking job consuming my every waking moment and zapping me of all my energy. I can't get anything done.  I can't maintain friendships. I can't relax. It's no way to live.

I went to Florida and swam with manatees for my birthday.  It was cold.  

I'm still very much constantly full of doubt.

It doesn't feel like you're there for me.  Or that you care.  I often feel like an afterthought. 

I barely heard from you on my birthday. It's typical though.  

I have been in such a funk, and I hate feeling so weak.

I had a 4-day weekend, and I spent it with Lane... and then some.  There was an ice storm in Tennessee on the day I was supposed to drive back home. So I got stuck at Lane's for 2 extra days.  I had planned some things for his birthday that weekend,  and he claimed to enjoy it. But,  at the end,  it felt like he was tired of me.  The last couple days,  I just tried to pretend I wasn't there.  We didn't hang out together much. He watched stupid anime shows with his roommate and played Xbox games online with his friends.

On Wednesday,  he didn't wake up until around 1:00pm, and the first thing he said to me was, "have you talked to Caleb today?" Implying if I had heard any news on the road conditions in TN. I took that as a "When are you leaving?" So I decided to go ahead and risk it and make the 2-hour drive home.  I packed my bags in silence. He looked at his phone and didn't say a word to me.  I kissed him bye, and all he said to me was bye.

The drive made me nervous at times, but obviously, I made it home safe.  

He never checked on me.  I sent him a text that I was home and got a reply hours later.  

Maybe I'm reaching and reading too far into it all, but I can't change how it all made me feel. And I have felt like garbage since being home.  I haven't talked to him much in the last couple days,  and I can't stop thinking,  "this is why we can't live together again... why does he even talk about marriage and shit like that? Why does he want me around?" He doesn't act like he wants me around. 

I was supposed to be off work this weekend,  but since I took the whole week off for weather,  I chose to work this weekend.  I haven't told him,  and he hasn't mentioned us seeing each other at all (he still thinks I'm off this weekend). 

I hate that I get this low. I feel like I fell off a cliff into a bottomless hole.  I can't bring myself back up,  and it's been 3 days.  I've been taking benadryl to put me to sleep every night,  and I've eating next to nothing. 

What is so wrong with me??

I can't be happy in a relationship.

Because I don't communicate.  It's great for the other person who doesn't have to hear me bitch.  

I am always conflicted between "nobody is perfect" vs "I can be happier."

I just feel like if I express an issue I have with someone, I will be met with resistance or bullshit words. I don't care how sincere you are, I just can't believe words alone.  And I'm not into arguing,  so resistance is,  well... futile. 

I'm not trying to be right.  I'm trying to be heard. 

I just wonder if the issues I have are me being picky or actually big deals? I feel like, lately it's a lot of ideological things.  That isn't something that can be "fixed" with changed behavior. 

Changed behavior itself is so rare that I have only ever seen it once, and it wasn't for me; that person did it for himself... as he should.  

I just don't have the energy, and I don't think anyone deserves that.