I've been waiting to talk about things here because, despite the things I do say here, I am too paranoid to say certain other things. 

I'm seeing Lane again.  But I haven't cut things off with the other person I was seeing.  I haven't seen this person since October (since before I started talking to Lane again), but I haven't gotten the courage to break it off.  I've only continued to text him. He had informed awhile back that he was moving back to his home state of Arizona in a couple months,  and I thought that was my get-out-of-jail-free card.  It would just end naturally and there would be no confrontation. So simple. 

And then there was a whole week where he didn't text me at all. I thought he ghosted me.  Even better,  right? Turns out he had just crushed his phone at work and it took him a week to find my number again (we don't have each other added on any form of social media -  cell phone has always been our only communication). 

Well, he texted a week later and also informed that he is staying in Nashville, not moving. So... this is still a thing I really need to deal with.  For now I've been avoiding seeing him,  and he has definitely picked up on it.  I'm starting to think maybe I should just get it over with via text message. I already feel shitty enough as it is about all of this, so why not just go the extra shitty mile and "break up" over text message like a fucking coward?

And now Lane is dropping way too many hints about marriage. Reminds me of the hints he dropped about leaving me before he left... 

The other day he brought up marriage, and I joked, "If you want to bring government into it,  then I will only agree if Bernie Sanders officiates." So he immediately went on Twitter and asked Bernie Sanders to officiate. Of course,  he has received no response as far as I know. 

But the biggest hint was the other day when we were in Bed Bath & Beyond. He asked me what I would say if he were to ask me to marry him right now.  He said, "what if I had a $250 ring and got on one knee in this Bed Bath & Beyond right now? What would you say?"

He must be delusional. Even if I didn't have this giant loose end to cut off, I would never agree to that under current circumstances. We have only been reconnected for a little over a month. I told him that I would say no. I told him that way more time would need to pass and there would need to be more security in the relationship.  He said,  "okay,  I'll wait then."

I don't know if he really has a ring or if he just knew I wouldn't call his bluff. And, for now,  I don't want to know. I still don't feel secure. I have concerns and doubts. I don't know that he won't have another change of heart or that I won't this time. It is a lot to unpack for me, and I'm not impulsive with these kinds of things ever.  He shouldn't be so certain in this either considering I know I've been vague and flighty since getting back together.  I just can't express anything in any certain terms right. 

Anyway,  I had a colposcopy on Monday, and it is taking way longer to heal this time than it did last year. Maybe that means it's cancer... I'll know next week. 

I'll never trust you not to leave again. 

Things I Wish I Could Say

To the boy: I don't know how to say this without sounding stupid... or at least without feeling stupid for saying it out loud. I've been struggling to feel.  I want to like you.  And I do.  But I want to really feel something more for you.  I just don't feel that strong connection. I don't feel that chemistry.  There are so many things about you that I'm here for. I want to feel that potential for love... but it's all physical.  

- - -

To the past: We got our shot, and we did what we did with it.  I just don't think I'll ever feel secure again. I can't put the guard down now; I only just finished putting it all back up! 

I thought I needed to have this conversation in person but don't think I'd be able to get it all out that way.  I am definitely too weak to hold it all together while releasing this pain.

You have no idea how the past 6 months have affected me. When you left,  I was shattered. I was sure you didn't like or love me anymore. My anxiety went through the roof while my self-esteem dropped to the floor. I felt used and worthless. I cried for weeks every second I found myself alone.  I slept on the couch for 3 months.  I quit eating and could only get artificial sleep through alcohol or benadryl. 

I shut off.

And I can't just turn back on like flipping a switch. I can't just pretend like the last 6 months didn't happen. Learning that maybe you still care is not a cure-all for how I've felt, and you telling me that you still care doesn't make me believe it.  A few words aren't going to fix anything. I do still love you (I never stopped), and I do believe that we could be happy together.  But I can't just jump back into it like it's new and exciting.  I can't help but to be cautious because I can't handle anther 6 months like the last. 

I can't believe it was just about the job. There had to be more.  I wasn't worth trying for over other reasons than solely a job. And I won't do long distance ever again.  I was against it from the beginning  and tried for you anyway; and that was the most miserable I was through the entire relationship.  I barely count that month as part of being in the relationship because it didn't feel like much of one at all. I was heavily considering ending things at that time but couldn't bring myself to do it because deep down I still cared and tried to convince myself things would get better.  I should have known that has quite literally NEVER worked out for me. But I was blindsided by you ending it first.  And that is why I will remain cautious and guarded as long as I need to.  I can't help it.

The weight of the world is getting too heavy to hold

I hit a deer last week and totalled my car. 

 

I am carless and too broke to afford this right now. 

I got the worst migraine of my entire life last night.  

I've been working 52-hour work weeks at no real payoff.

The boy makes me sad and idk if it's on purpose or if I misinterpret his tone... but I don't care enough to find out. 

It is really hard just being alive right now.   

You taste like cold and lonely nights

I loved you from the beginning. I know I did,  and that's why I still do. It was an instant connection and an unmatched chemistry. I've never felt it with anyone else.  I've never missed anyone else so much. 

Your leaving was the most hurt I have ever felt from a failed relationship. It still hurts. And there is a pain about it that will always be there. Even if we were to get back together one day, fall madly back in love, and stay there forever... I will always remember this pain. I will always remember how you acted in the end and how worthless and unlovable I felt because of it.  

(And that's why I am the way I am with who I've been entertaining now. Just letting him happen to me.  Don't feel like I've got much of a voice to speak up with.  Don't think he cares about anything I have to say.  I don't know if he does or not,  but I'm not invested in finding out. I don't ask questions that I don't want the answers to. I don't expect him to find me worth it after awhile. I just don't expect anything.)

But I keep on. Just waiting for the love or the pain to fade. They both do with every passing day. Not by much,  but I know enough time will numb it enough to start feeling better one day.  As it always does. 

And perhaps 4 years from now,  I'll start the cycle all over again.