25

I'm 25 now. Nothing is different, of course. Obviously, I don't feel any different.

"In fact, everything is just about the same."

My birthday was a slew of emotions: disappointment, surprise, uncertainty. There was a tinge of thankful. I appreciate those who thought about me...

And, Sam, thanks for throwing me that bone, I guess. But, really, you don't have to talk to me when you don't want to.  I never understood why you ghosted me, but I do understand why you stayed away.

David took me to dinner. My family had a get-together the next day. I blew off a few friends because I just haven't been feeling up for it.

I found an apartment that I can move into with Bear. Now I just need to find a roommate. The expenses will be a struggle, but maybe I'll be happier...

Almost anything would be better than how I'm living now. And at this point, I'm expecting the move to distance the relationship, and I have run out of any energy to save it.

I get so tired of feeling this way.

h a t e

Going to bed angry tonight.

Nothing new.

I happen to be up later than usual. David likes to comment on this because he seems to feel some obligation to hang out with me until I go to sleep. Then he goes downstairs to hang with the guys. This is only a very slight improvement from when I first moved in when he would just hang out with them all the time.

Now, I had a talk with him recently about all this shit that makes me unhappy. He claimed he doesn't even hang out with them when he goes downstairs and if I move to the new house with them, things will be different. I don't believe any of that, not even a little.

I really truly honestly believe nothing I said got through to him. He even told me to talk to him about these things instead of bottling it up.

I'm bottling it so hard that my chest is hurting.

So, tonight I am still awake by midnight when usually I'm asleep before 10am.

This is way too much info and could be left out of this rant, but I was staying up for sex. See, I've been on my period for the last week, and he had wanted it, but not like that... I told him yesterday that I'd be able to today.  Guess he forgot. He forgets everything I tell him. So I was just staying up hanging around trying to be subtle,  but the only thing I got out of him was, "why are you up so late? Did you take a nap today or something?"

And all that means is I am keeping him trapped here in this room when he is getting antsy to go downstairs. That's what it feels like to me anyway.

And you know what? I up and said this to him as soon as it happened. Exactly how it made me feel. You know, instead of bottling it up. He knew immediately that I am angry at him. I told him he didn't have to stay with me and to just go downstairs like he wants. He said he's "just used to the routine," and I don't know if that was supposed to alleviate the situation but it sure as hell did not.

I was so mad that my body started heaving, and I've never experienced that before. It's not anger from just the one incident. It's built-up anger. My chest is still hurting as I write this.

And right now he's down there laughing at cutting up with "the guys" like nothing happened; exactly where he wants to be.

And this is how I'm going to bed.

As many have come before him, I feel this clock ticking, and I have no energy or desire to stop it.

I feel a wedge being driven further and further between us. But I'm sure I'm the only one who feels it. Maybe it's just being driven into me.

Sam, Sam, you know where I am

I've been thinking about you a lot and I don't know why and I wish I could stop.

I've wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for being pushy. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, and I know that's no excuse.

I genuinely hope you're doing okay and that you're happy.

I still add songs to your playlist from time to time. And while you're the only person I revealed your playlist to, I wonder if you ever really listened to it.

You're the only person I revealed a lot of things to... And the sole reason I don't do that anymore.

You're always welcome to say hi to me though I know you never will.

Listen. Life has been worse. It has.

However, that doesn't change the fact that I'm very close to a mental breakdown.

No Reset

You know how when you're in a bad mood, you usually feel better after some sleep? Sleep is the reset button.

Well, lately I've been going to sleep in a bad mood and also waking up still in a bad mood.

And tonight I'm in a bad mood.

So, David is madly MADLY infatuated with these roommates. He is so in love with them. Every conversation we have has to mention them (on his part). I've even reached the point where I don't tell him things anymore because I don't want the roommates in on everything I tell him. I had to reroute a story I started telling him a couple weeks ago because halfway through it I realized I didn't want it to be a joke among THEM.

So that's been maybe my biggest frustration.

A small thing, he won't even put on pants when we go out in public half the time. Always in PJs.

I've had to invite him over and over to meet my Nana (who has been dying to meet him) who only lives less than 10-min up the street. But he just outright refuses.

So, today, one of the roommate's parents visit from out of town. David hears them downstairs, immediately changes into pants, and runs down to meet them.

That was not surprising in the least but a bit irritating, nonetheless.

Today, the temp was abnormally warm outside, which means the house is warm inside. Too warm, especially upstairs.

The AC doesn't work in the house and the window (among EVERYTHING else) is broken, so that shit put me in a bad mood.

And there were little things here and there that annoyed me. I was texting David at work and mentioned I was craving a specific food, and an hour later he asked what I wanted to eat. At another point, he brought something up about work and to continue the conversation, I inquired further. Then he told me he was getting frustrated. So next time he mentions shit about work, I'll be sure to kill the conversation right there.

When he got home, he eventually asked if I was in a bad mood, and I confirmed that I am. But now he's downstairs with the roommates and some house guests who are always fucking here.

I just want to move somewhere else as soon as I can. And, trust me, I have been actively searching the entire time.