I live with my boyfriend and I've never been more lonely.

Things are going to change in order for me to be happy again.

I am so unhappy right now and I refuse to live like this.

I will be selfish in my decisions.

Men are all the same

I want to say harsh things, but I don't want to regret saying them later...

It took past relationships much longer to reach the point that I am at right now. To be blunt (for once), it's stale.

He's a nice guy. He's not malicious or manipulative or abusive or anything necessarily *bad*. But... He's about the same as the others.

I'm reminded of the early stages of my relationship with Max. I'd go to his house and spend all my time alone while he got high with his roommate/friends the entire time. I'd go to bed alone.

Much like I am doing now. Disappointed and alone... So far, every single night I've been here. I foresee many more nights of the same thing. The difference is I live here and have no escape.

So, it's all the same.

And it doesn't even make me sad like it would have past me. It just makes me want to move on. I'm numb. I'm upset about my own expectations, but overall I am numb.

I don't think he understands how tired I am. I'm so tired of relationships. They aren't for me.

I don't like it.

My biggest fear.

- - -

I'm having a really hard time holding it together. I guess he's onto me.

Every night I go to bed without him. I feel like he encourages this because it frees him up to hang out with his roommates. I feel like the entire time we're together, he's just waiting for me to go to bed. I am not enjoying our time together because it makes me tense. He's so infatuated with these dudes and I am just in the way, though I do my damnedest to stay out of it.

I know he hasn't caught onto that part.

But tonight I finally announced that I was tired and going to bed. I'm not really that tired but it was time to get away. He came upstairs with me and tried to cuddle for a second. He said, "I hope you're happy here." I said, "I'm fine."

We all know what that means.

He didn't press it. He shortly left to rejoin his roommates downstairs.

I can't help but realize I did not follow my instinct on this one.

Still feeling the same. Obviously.

Feeling high strung.

Feeling like a nuisance.

Feeling like I'm only good when it's convenient.

How common.

How simple.

How worthless.