I'm enjoying testing my new life because I'm drunk.

Will update when sober.

Bad people get what they want

I feel like bad people get what they want.  Doesn't it seem that way? On a large scale, look at politicians... On a smaller scale, look at people you know.

I'm not happy with my personality and I feel like I stray more and more from kindness and sy/empathy everyday.

I've been angry lately. I've been lashing out. I've been having bouts of rage. Maybe it's the stress...

I've had a bad day. And for some reason, I was reminded that in the past, when I had had a bad day, the bad people in my life would deliver. Aaron would bring me candy and bring tennis balls for Bear. Jonah would buy me alcohol and we'd get drunk together or get dinner and a movie...

It seems the people who cared the least actually did the most. And I think this has given me a fucked up view on relationships and out of whack expectations.

I am so easily disappointed, but I also excuse so much behavior.

I'm really just having a bad time right now.

Fast-approaching Complacency

I'm trying to be positive because I really do love him.

As in past cases, I got it bad for him when he's in my presence. I haven't necessarily been having doubts, but I have been having concerns about living together. I just fear the guaranteed and fast-approaching complacency. I'm not ready to be that comfortable. I want things to be exciting! I already wrote a draft about this because I didn't quite know how to word it, but this is what I am trying to say: I always hate when a relationship gets stale. I always feel it's unnecessary. It absolutely does not have to happen. It's always the case that the other party quits putting in the effort because they feel this thing is a safe bet. And it always makes me sad. And it always makes me lose interest and wonder what else is out there. I put in effort until I feel it is unreciprocated... When I start to question the point of it all. And I worry that living together will bring that on almost immediately.

When we went to bed last night, I was a  little tipsy. He made a comment about how he will be playing video games with his friends more often after I move in. I wasn't sure why he was informing me of that right at that moment, but it did make me sad because it somewhat confirmed these concerns I've been having. I guess maybe I got quiet because he asked if I was okay and if there was anything I wanted to talk about. You'd think being about 5 shots deep, I'd have a lot to say, but instead I knew my mind wasn't in the most efficient position to intelligently discuss my whoas; I knew I was mentally slow and wouldn't be able to think of the most accurate way to piece my words together, so I didn't talk about it.

I'm cool with him hanging with his friends, but it's just the implication of complacency of me living there. And I also just feel like I will be spending a lot of time alone in these coming months. I realize how often this happens for me, so maybe it's normal to spend more time by yourself when you live with an S.O...

I'm still very much in love. I caught myself studying his face last night while he interacted with everyone else, just because I like it. I was really just studying /him/ by listening to him and watching his hands and I kinda got lost in my own admiration. At least I've got that to hold onto for now.

And, who knows... Maybe things will turn out better than I anticipate.

10

I want to be honest, but I don't think I can.

However, if I'm being honest... And vague... I'm doubtful of my future happiness.

I'm just going to focus on keeping myself busy. I'm going to visit with friends more and pick up old hobbies. And new ones.

I'd like to seize more opportunities in the coming year. I'd like to gain more experience. I'd like to be more spontaneous... Because I'm going to need something to do; I'm going to need somewhere to go; and I'm going to need people and things to occupy my mind.

I hope I get a raise this year. I don't often worry about money anymore, but I want to be able to afford all the things I want to do.

I'm just feeling lost, I think. I feel like walls are closing in and I'm becoming trapped. I'm not in a room that I want to leave... But I'm anxious of the disappearing windows. Mentally, I'm in a place I've been before. And self-loathing is bubbling up from the floorboards. I know this will pass, but I don't know how long that will take.

I'm beating around the bush.

Bad Taste in my Mouth

I'm still alive.

I don't write much anymore. I don't know why.

I've realized I resent Aaron because he used me even though I secretly knew the whole time. I'm not surprised I stayed with him so long, but I regret it now.  I don't know why I even still think about it.

I'm dating David now. He's nice to me so far. They're all nice in time beginning though. I know he won't fuck me over because I've known him for two years... Through all the shit I've been through. And I don't want to sound like I'm just waiting for him to turn evil, but I just can't be naive enough anymore to think that anyone hung the moon.

I love him.

I am in love with him.  And, for now, I believe he loves me too. It may seem soon to tell, but the feels are there. And it's definitely not just the honeymoon phase... I know because we didn't have much of a honeymoon phase. Because we already knew each other well before we started dating, there was no exciting "getting to know you" period. And, honestly, I feel a little cheated.

I like the awkward beginning stages. I like the butterflies. But this feels like old love. Already set-in love...

That said, I am terrified. I'm not ready for the bad stuff again. I just don't have it in me to fight a hard fight. I still wake up from panic attacks from time to time. I still have nightmares. I still get anxiety that makes physically ill... And I feel weak from it all. I feel weak-minded. I'd like to think I've moved on... And I mostly have. But I'm still traumatized by this stupid bullshit that l just can't forget about. 

It's been over a year now... I've completely failed at any kind of meaningful relationship in the past year. I'd just hang around dudes who I thought was attractive enough to let them fuck me because I felt it was my only value, and then I'd tell them I didn't want to see them anymore. They've all erased my number since, and I'm just not used to that. I'm not used to getting that "close" with someone only to make them completely disappear.  But that's how it is.

I'd like to think I'm in a better place now. I'm dating someone who I think cares about me at least. I just didn't give a shit if they cared before... And I suppose it's because I didn't care about myself. My current relationship is most certainly more mental than physical though. Something else I'm not used to... So I'm trying to adjust.

I'm moving in with him in a week or so. It's awfully soon, I know. Trust me, I know; I have my reservations. And it's not really ~him~ I'm worried about. It's just the situation in general and the past experience.

I just want to be independent more than anything.

I imagine there will be more panic attacks to come.