_________

Some things break and can't be fixed.

Lately, I feel empty inside.

I need to see more doctors.

Lol @ my life

I called newboi out on his passive aggressiveness because we are adults. By we, I mean me. I am the adult here. We had a talk and he felt better.

That said, I am lying on his bed while he plays computer games for the night. I could be at home with my dog right now...

I also asked him to quit saying the n-word and he tried to say it was my "white guilt" and I said "it's a matter of respect."

That shit grinds my gears.

I'm gonna enjoy this while it last, but it ain't gonna last.

Tired everyday

Newboi seems to be playing with the idea that maybe I could be sleeping around on him.


This bothers me. A lot.

So first, I told him I didn't want to have sex until I hear back from the doctor and find out what's wrong with me. I told him sex is related to the issue. After that, something seemed to be bothering him, but I didn't press.

Later, we were making out and getting handsy, but I winded it down and stopped. He made a comment along the lines of, "stop seeing other guys and save some for the rest of us." He tried to save the "joke" by adding "'us' being me and Pete." (Pete referred to that meme about sleeping positions and 'things are getting weird with Pete').

He tried to make this implication come off as a joke, but we all know these things aren't jokes. He's being passive aggressive and this is clearly something he has been thinking about.

So, I was a bit taken aback by this out-of-the-blue comment, and my immediate reaction was to quickly de-escalate with a counter joke. I told him I was sleeping with Pete.

When I was leaving, he told me bye and quickly added "quit sleeping with Pete!"

I know I'm not over-analyzing here. This is how people drop hints about suspicions. I used to do it when I suspected I was being cheated on by Jonah (the only difference is that *I* was right). They are comments intended to make the other person uncomfortable and/or guilty and to subconsciously plant the seed that you *know.*

I am not sleeping around. I am not cheating. If he can't trust, we aren't going to last.

I'm colder than before

Things aren't getting better with my body. Something is wrong, and all I can do is wait for results. Meanwhile, I sit in discomfort, someone pain, every single day... Doing nothing. I thought I would have some sort of news by now. I haven't called them because I figure if they knew anything, they would call me... I feel the longer I wait permanent damage is being done. I didn't need those parts of me anyway.

I feel like a bad person. This newboi is so in love with me, but I feel empty. I'm not sure I can feel anything. I feel like Jonah ruined that in me. I just don't *want* to ever feel that way again. I don't want to love anyone nor do I want to feel helpless ever again. I think I've been trying to get it back... I've been trying to find something in the people I've dated in the last year, but I just can't. Of course, it was a "looking for love in all the wrong places" situation. They weren't good people; I never get good people.

This current one is nice, I guess. He already gets on my nerves with certain things. I just justify everything I don't like: at least he's not doing drugs... At least he's not selling drugs... At least he's not cheating
.. but I, of course, still have my doubts. And I feel guilty because I don't want to break his heart.

Life

Life is going.

Things are happening. Lots of things.

There's something strange going on with my health/body. It's abnormal and concerning enough that I went to the doctor for it... I haven't told anyone, except the doctor, the exact details. I'm waiting on test results, and I'm scared.

I officially "broke up" with Aaron. It was civil. He wasn't a terrible person... Just not the one for me. Also fairly positive he is a psychopath. Just not a malicious or evil one like Jonah.

Now I'm with newboi guilt-free. It's not ideal; but it's better. He's a very nice boy... For now. He's a bit immature, but he's not a piece of shit. He treats me well... For now. He holds me and touches me (non-sexually) very... Tenderly? It's loving. It's something I haven't felt in a long time. Honestly, it terrifies me. It makes my heart rate spike. It brings back bad memories.

I don't think I like it.

And I know that's my problem.