Lol @ my life

I called newboi out on his passive aggressiveness because we are adults. By we, I mean me. I am the adult here. We had a talk and he felt better.

That said, I am lying on his bed while he plays computer games for the night. I could be at home with my dog right now...

I also asked him to quit saying the n-word and he tried to say it was my "white guilt" and I said "it's a matter of respect."

That shit grinds my gears.

I'm gonna enjoy this while it last, but it ain't gonna last.

Tired everyday

Newboi seems to be playing with the idea that maybe I could be sleeping around on him.


This bothers me. A lot.

So first, I told him I didn't want to have sex until I hear back from the doctor and find out what's wrong with me. I told him sex is related to the issue. After that, something seemed to be bothering him, but I didn't press.

Later, we were making out and getting handsy, but I winded it down and stopped. He made a comment along the lines of, "stop seeing other guys and save some for the rest of us." He tried to save the "joke" by adding "'us' being me and Pete." (Pete referred to that meme about sleeping positions and 'things are getting weird with Pete').

He tried to make this implication come off as a joke, but we all know these things aren't jokes. He's being passive aggressive and this is clearly something he has been thinking about.

So, I was a bit taken aback by this out-of-the-blue comment, and my immediate reaction was to quickly de-escalate with a counter joke. I told him I was sleeping with Pete.

When I was leaving, he told me bye and quickly added "quit sleeping with Pete!"

I know I'm not over-analyzing here. This is how people drop hints about suspicions. I used to do it when I suspected I was being cheated on by Jonah (the only difference is that *I* was right). They are comments intended to make the other person uncomfortable and/or guilty and to subconsciously plant the seed that you *know.*

I am not sleeping around. I am not cheating. If he can't trust, we aren't going to last.

I'm colder than before

Things aren't getting better with my body. Something is wrong, and all I can do is wait for results. Meanwhile, I sit in discomfort, someone pain, every single day... Doing nothing. I thought I would have some sort of news by now. I haven't called them because I figure if they knew anything, they would call me... I feel the longer I wait permanent damage is being done. I didn't need those parts of me anyway.

I feel like a bad person. This newboi is so in love with me, but I feel empty. I'm not sure I can feel anything. I feel like Jonah ruined that in me. I just don't *want* to ever feel that way again. I don't want to love anyone nor do I want to feel helpless ever again. I think I've been trying to get it back... I've been trying to find something in the people I've dated in the last year, but I just can't. Of course, it was a "looking for love in all the wrong places" situation. They weren't good people; I never get good people.

This current one is nice, I guess. He already gets on my nerves with certain things. I just justify everything I don't like: at least he's not doing drugs... At least he's not selling drugs... At least he's not cheating
.. but I, of course, still have my doubts. And I feel guilty because I don't want to break his heart.

Life

Life is going.

Things are happening. Lots of things.

There's something strange going on with my health/body. It's abnormal and concerning enough that I went to the doctor for it... I haven't told anyone, except the doctor, the exact details. I'm waiting on test results, and I'm scared.

I officially "broke up" with Aaron. It was civil. He wasn't a terrible person... Just not the one for me. Also fairly positive he is a psychopath. Just not a malicious or evil one like Jonah.

Now I'm with newboi guilt-free. It's not ideal; but it's better. He's a very nice boy... For now. He's a bit immature, but he's not a piece of shit. He treats me well... For now. He holds me and touches me (non-sexually) very... Tenderly? It's loving. It's something I haven't felt in a long time. Honestly, it terrifies me. It makes my heart rate spike. It brings back bad memories.

I don't think I like it.

And I know that's my problem.

I know what I want

You read that right: I know what I want!

Oh, my god. I'm so used to sitting in limbo that this feels liberating. I'm not there yet, but I know what I have to do to get there. I have to let the appropriate time pass before I can take the next step, just for my own sense of integrity, but it's going to happen.

I am leaving Aaron. I feel so guilty saying that, but it was never going to work out. I want so much more, and he was never going to give me that.

I found someone who will.

Aaron is kind of pretentious and doesn't see people as people, only assets. He hasn't told me this, but this is the assessment I have made. And I've been actively studying this in his presence. He and I just went to Chicago together (I should say more about that, but we all know I don't talk anymore. In short: great city / would love to go back!). We've spent a lot of time in the car together since it's an 8 hour drive (even longer on the way out since we detoured). I've come to a several conclusions in this time. I've determined he does actually like me on some level. He took selfies of us and sent them to his parents. I took no pics of myself. Nor any with him. I didn't want anyone to know who I was with... So I brought up the fact that he has never met any of my friends. He told me he doesn't meet girl's friends. He thinks it's pointless. Let that sink in. I replied with "hmm." No use in arguing when my mindis made up.

I just want more. I don't want to feel like an asset. I want someone who is more integrated into my life. And I have found someone who is more than willing to do that. In the short time I have known him, he has already met almost all of my friends. He actually gives off the vibe of a geniunely nice person. Unlike Aaron, I don't feel uncertain about him.

I'm tired of floating in limbo. I'm either all in or all out, and right now, I want to be all in.

I'm ready.





You said you'd meet me in Chicago
But I didn't see your face
You said you're leaving her tomorrow
But I'm still waiting without a trace

You said you'd be here in the morning
I wait alone with my suitcase
Promise you'd break the news to her last weekend
Two empty seats inside the train

This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news

You said remember our Chicago
Secret phone calls late at night
All of our meetings were in shadow
Can we walk out in the sunlight?

This windy city won't sleep without you
This windy city is hiding all the bad news

Time moves so slowly when hope is naive
I feel I'm foolish
I fear I'm drowning, yeah
This was our Chicago
This was our new road
I can't let go
I can't help but be hopeful
This windy city will have to get along without me
This windy city has nothing left for me