this was never real

After a new development having my suspicions confirmed as they always are, the boy is not that great. In fact, my paranoia was sound as usual, and I'm just another one. The notion never left the back of my head, and I'm thankful for that.

I know where I stand.

Consequently, I know not to progress any further. Not that much progress was ever made.

I just can't win. But I'm not too hurt since I knew this was never real.

boy

I like Aaron because he doesn't make my life hard. Other than the "what are we?" uncertainty, things have been pretty easy with him. We get go out for ice cream or sushi sometimes and we sleep together. That's it.

I'd prefer someone who wants to do things together that aren't little dates. Someone who wants to adventure, hang out with friends, and hang out just to hang out. As it is now, he still hasn't met any of my friends. I just can't get him to. He doesn't attend functions with me.

He has met my family though. He met my mom once awhile back. More recently, I stayed the night at his house. The next morning I told him I had to go to my mom's for dinner, he asked if he could go. I told him my whole family was going to be there, and he was fine with that. So he met all of them. It was a nice time, I suppose. We came back to Nashville and I ended up staying at his place again.

I still feel so emotionally unattached, but after those two days together, my "like" for him had peaked. I was really digging him for the next couple days.

I haven't figured out yet if he is a "skip the bullshit" kind of person and just does the relationship stuff (dates, sex, meeting family) without all the gray area (hanging out without a purpose, meeting friends). Sometimes I question if this is what he thinks a relationship is. Sometimes I wonder if he's a psychopath and can feel nothing... but I'm leaning toward he just likes having sex with me. Because why wouldn't he? I've learned that's where I'm most valuable.

Not feeling so great lately. Physically. Mentally. I feel sick and I feel sad.


I'm not sure why.

Limbo

Conflicted between intuition and paranoia.

And now I'm sending myself mixed signals.

Do I? or do I NOT?

Whatever.

I may be ever so slightly rocking the boat.

And there are a lot of things I would like to talk about, but I don't because I can't. Because I've made mistakes. The good news is I don't feel like I'm going to explode because I do all my venting to Meyer these days. I'll tell him about 90% of things. The other 10% I'm happy keeping to myself.

That said, I don't feel the need to write so much these days. There are a lot of things about to change in the near future, and I'm just one of those people who crosses those bridges when I get to them. Not really preparing for anything right now when I know I should be.

Miss Me

Lately I've been missing things I shouldn't. And people I especially shouldn't.

I don't know what's missing in my life to make me feel so sentimental. I'm content with my life. Maybe I'm just too complacent to the point of boredom. It's hard to make things happen when all I ever do is work, yet I can barely save money... which is why I work all the time.

I had a whole weekend off last weekend. I made it a point to make the absolute best of it. The first weekend I had off that I didn't have to ask for and my friends were available to hang out. Meyer and I took the boys to the dog park. Then he, Michael, and I went to Mellow Mushroom for lunch. And later we went to the pinball arcade up the street and it was all around a swell day despite me being sick. The next day, I was even sicker, but I went to Michelle's new house and we got ice cream and saw a movie and went to dinner. And that was my last day off for two weeks.

My next day off will be next Friday, making it 11 days in a row of straight work, work, work. I was supposed to be off yesterday, but I sacrificed that only day off to cover a shift for a co-worker. I need the money. I will work until I die...

I found out my E.R. bill got sent to collections. A bill collector calls me everyday, but I've never answered it.I'm scared they'll call my work and my family members because somehow they're allowed to do that and apparently they do. I think maybe that bill is a big reason my credit has plummeted. It's still in the "good" range but it's not good enough for me. At least every month I make a credit card payment, it goes back up 10 points. It's slowly increasing back towards what it used to be. Thanks Jonah for riding off my good credit (good intentions, good heart, loyalty, and apparently naivety) just to fucking ruin it.

I know (don't ask me how) Jonah will be back in town next month and that gives me immense anxiety. I want to throw up just writing about it.

Another thing giving me anxiety right now is this tension between N. Korea and the U.S... Caleb is on that Navy fleet that's "prepared to strike" and I swear to God this better all just be some kind of stupid publicity stunt of America waving a big stick and everyone else rolling their eyes.

- - - - - -

Those things that I miss are certain qualities in people who I no longer hang around for obvious reasons. I tried kept in touch with Max for so long because I valued the friendship. He was always down for just about anything - no judgement. Even now when I want to go to a show, I always think "Max would go to this show with me and he'd enjoy it too." But he's too obsessively and delusionally in love with me that it HAD to stop.

I miss companionship and the security of someone always being there. I hope I can experience that again but with someone who is genuine about it next time...

I miss all the friends who want nothing to do with me. I think about them too often because it kills me that I thought the connection there was real and they must not have felt the same. Why do I miss people like that?

I'm so easily fooled.