Not feeling so great lately. Physically. Mentally. I feel sick and I feel sad.


I'm not sure why.

Limbo

Conflicted between intuition and paranoia.

And now I'm sending myself mixed signals.

Do I? or do I NOT?

Whatever.

I may be ever so slightly rocking the boat.

And there are a lot of things I would like to talk about, but I don't because I can't. Because I've made mistakes. The good news is I don't feel like I'm going to explode because I do all my venting to Meyer these days. I'll tell him about 90% of things. The other 10% I'm happy keeping to myself.

That said, I don't feel the need to write so much these days. There are a lot of things about to change in the near future, and I'm just one of those people who crosses those bridges when I get to them. Not really preparing for anything right now when I know I should be.

Miss Me

Lately I've been missing things I shouldn't. And people I especially shouldn't.

I don't know what's missing in my life to make me feel so sentimental. I'm content with my life. Maybe I'm just too complacent to the point of boredom. It's hard to make things happen when all I ever do is work, yet I can barely save money... which is why I work all the time.

I had a whole weekend off last weekend. I made it a point to make the absolute best of it. The first weekend I had off that I didn't have to ask for and my friends were available to hang out. Meyer and I took the boys to the dog park. Then he, Michael, and I went to Mellow Mushroom for lunch. And later we went to the pinball arcade up the street and it was all around a swell day despite me being sick. The next day, I was even sicker, but I went to Michelle's new house and we got ice cream and saw a movie and went to dinner. And that was my last day off for two weeks.

My next day off will be next Friday, making it 11 days in a row of straight work, work, work. I was supposed to be off yesterday, but I sacrificed that only day off to cover a shift for a co-worker. I need the money. I will work until I die...

I found out my E.R. bill got sent to collections. A bill collector calls me everyday, but I've never answered it.I'm scared they'll call my work and my family members because somehow they're allowed to do that and apparently they do. I think maybe that bill is a big reason my credit has plummeted. It's still in the "good" range but it's not good enough for me. At least every month I make a credit card payment, it goes back up 10 points. It's slowly increasing back towards what it used to be. Thanks Jonah for riding off my good credit (good intentions, good heart, loyalty, and apparently naivety) just to fucking ruin it.

I know (don't ask me how) Jonah will be back in town next month and that gives me immense anxiety. I want to throw up just writing about it.

Another thing giving me anxiety right now is this tension between N. Korea and the U.S... Caleb is on that Navy fleet that's "prepared to strike" and I swear to God this better all just be some kind of stupid publicity stunt of America waving a big stick and everyone else rolling their eyes.

- - - - - -

Those things that I miss are certain qualities in people who I no longer hang around for obvious reasons. I tried kept in touch with Max for so long because I valued the friendship. He was always down for just about anything - no judgement. Even now when I want to go to a show, I always think "Max would go to this show with me and he'd enjoy it too." But he's too obsessively and delusionally in love with me that it HAD to stop.

I miss companionship and the security of someone always being there. I hope I can experience that again but with someone who is genuine about it next time...

I miss all the friends who want nothing to do with me. I think about them too often because it kills me that I thought the connection there was real and they must not have felt the same. Why do I miss people like that?

I'm so easily fooled.

It's Alright With Me

I used to say I hated no one, for hate is a waste of energy.

Now the list of people I hate goes as follows:

1. Jonah
2. Kate
3. People who don't signal while driving

I used to say I had no regrets, for I was young and had made no life-changing irreversible mistakes yet.

I'm still young, but now the list of regrets I have is too long for me to bother writing out.

I stayed the night with Aaron. I often wake up in the middle of the night or morning lying next to him and can't fall back to sleep. I usually shamefully overthink in these quiet moments. I think about all my regrets. So far he's not one, but I think of all the things that led me to that moment, lying in a small bed with a person about which I feel I still know so little. Trying so hard to not doubt the nice things he tells me... failing, but playing along anyway.

I realized, with Jonah at the top of my list, I forgive everyone else in my life for everything. They aren't bad people.

I forgive P. because I feel he just doesn't know what he wants yet.

I forgive N. because he was always nice to me... to my face anyway.

I forgive Max because although I have made it a point to cut him off now, he more than made up for the bad memories he gave me.

I forgive Jack because although he never really made me happy, he helped me move on from some hard times.

I forgive Eric even if he still drunkenly messages me in the middle of the night; I know he has a good heart.

I forgive Sam, who was the most helpful of this list, which made his leaving hurt a whole lot. I still greatly truly appreciate what he did for me and being there for me in my absolute darkest time.


Life is OK, ya know?

I'm more or less happy now. I catch myself wondering lately what else could be out there. But I'm content for the time being with what I've got, and I'm accepting the pace at which my life is moving right now.

Not ready for the conversation

Aaron took me out to fancy dinner in my birthday. He's a nice boy, I guess.

Not sure when I'll be free of this secret suspicion that I'm being manipulated. I hate that I can't appreciate something without keeping half guarded.

My whole heart defers to the hurt half.

I just feel safer believing everyone is inherently evil. I'd say I'm working on fixing that, but I'm really not.

I lose my steam when I'm reminded how hard it is to keep friends. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but fewer people who I have regarded highly want less and less to do with me. I will invite them to hang out on multiple occasions and I am consistently met with rejection. I've learned not to push it. I find it hard enough to see my value as it is; I don't need their help...

It doesn't consume me though. Nothing really does anymore.

I've unblocked everybody from Facebook. I don't know why. I felt like it was time to. I still think about all those things often. I'm not sure if I'll ever stop, but like I've said: it no longer consumes me.

I've quit driving the back way home from work. I've realized it makes me think of a certain person much less. I'm fact, I've realized I don't think of them much at all anymore. For the best, I'm sure.

I went to Logan's house for his birthday. It was so much fun hanging out with my old Murfreesboro roommates. I miss those guys... Don't worry: Jack wasn't there.

Aaron called me drunk while I was at the party. Just to chat. Just because we were both drunk. Hey, I didn't get shitty drunk and that's worth noting! I did drive an hour home not completely sober though.

Another thing, when Aaron and I were hanging out the other day, somehow we got on the subject of Plan B/emergency birth control. We don't need any (those days are behind me); we were just talking about how it's so expensive and whatnot. He said he has had to buy it 4 times! I admitted I've had to buy it a couple times. He asked how much an abortion costs, and maybe I was too quick and too certain in my answer because he asked if I've ever had one. I lied and told him no. I'm not ready for that conversation.


I don't know when or if I'll tell him about all the crazy things that happened to me, but it's still too soon and km not interested in being so vulnerable.

In other news, I've been working my ass off. My next paycheck is going to have about 95 hours on it. I need that money. I've finally reached a point in my life where I don't have to fall back on credit, and I'll be damned if I get that low again.