Everything Feels Better Now

I think of all the things I want to write about when I'm driving in my car. I do all of my thinking when I'm driving. It leads to a lot of unhealthy thinking because I spend A LOT of time alone in my car...

I'm often in a thinking mood... Never in a writing mood.

Some things I think about every single day. Like, the same things. Every single day. Listen, I still think about Jonah. A lot. It's getting better though. I don't miss him. I mostly think about how I loathe him. Thinking about it as often as I have has helped me draw conclusions and find a little bit of closure. I used to wonder why me? Like, why did he choose to drag me into all of that shit? Why did he choose to include me in his life at all when it was never meant to mean anything. Why did he waste my time like that? I still firmly believe it was all meaningless. But I've come to a lot of realizations with understanding his nature as a psychopath and how it's all a fucking game to him.

Also with him being a narcissist, he left me with photos of us that I guess he assumed I'd want to keep. I don't want that shit. I have a shirt that he gave me a long time ago with a weird little ayahuasca mandala pattern on it that represents his cult. You're crazy if you think I'd ever wear that. I've been letting Bear tear it to shreds, and, man, is it satisfying watching him rip that thing apart. I plan to take the pieces and the pictures and burn them. I've not looked at the pictures since he left.

I burned all your letters; my memory suits me better.

On my typical drive home from work, every single time I make that drive, which is about 5 days a week, I think of another person. The drive always reminds me of him because it's the route I would take when I'd drive to his house. I still get a bit sad when I think of him because he's no longer around, but I've also accepted it. I go back in forth between thinking I just wasn't good enough to thinking maybe he just wasn't who I thought he was. It doesn't matter either way, does it?

I do question what would happen if we ever reconnected. My heart says "yes," but my brain says "no." Second chances are okay, but third chances, as I've said in the past, are much harder to come by. Detached from the situation, I'm apt to side with my brain. Given the chance, in the moment, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd hate to give someone the power to hurt me a third time. Because shame on me, right?

Shame on me anyway.

It was nice while it lasted though. I was super interested in him and made it obvious I was totally into him. Ya know, I had the confidence to do that. He disappeared though.

Then I started talking to a guy online who I was really interested in, and I knew I was "out of his league," but I was still way interested, ya know? He was seemingly interested in me too. We had skyped, so I know he was at least fucking real. I tried to hang out with him on multiple occasions, but he was flaky as hell and we never met and he eventually quit talking to me for seemingly no reason as well.

I wish I knew what I was doing wrong? This is what I meant when I said the curse has been lifted. I've been met with only rejection lately, and it's deteriorating my self-esteem trying to figure out what's wrong with me. These experiences have really knocked my confidence way down.

So now that I've got this current boy, I'm just too scared to get excited. I'm waiting for him to disappear too.

I'm probably ruining it by NOT caring if it works out or not. I mean, I'm putting in the effort, but I'm really not getting excited about it because I'm still so bitter about all the bad shit that happened this year that I'm not really prepared for anything good to happen. Normally, I'd be over the moon because he's so good looking and nice and seems genuine.

But what do I know? I apparently can't sense deceit.

Signs that he might actually like me. I was out one night and texting him how cold I was. He told me to come over for warmth, so I actually did... at like 1 o' clock in the morning. Around 4am, I told him I was going to go home, but he wanted me to stay and sleep there. So, I did. (Don't they usually prefer for you to leave when it's over? I prefer to leave... so I can sleep alone in my warm bed with my dog. I don't mind staying with him - he wakes up and kisses my hair when he realizes I'm there, which is sweet, I guess - I just don't like staying that long when I'm uncertain of what his intentions are).

Last week, I went to his house expecting it to be the same as usual. But he told me he had reservations for us at a restaurant at 8:15, so we had a little time to kill before then. I wasn't prepared for, like... a date? He held my hand to the door, and it was a very nice evening.

However, I can't help but to feel like I make things awkward, because...

Reasons he probably doesn't really give a shit about me: He's way too good for me and I know it and I am holding back so much.

I have done pretty well about not telling him my past. I've realized it's best to keep most of it to myself. I've told him this has been the worst year of my life, but I haven't told him why. I told him about my E.R. bills, and he asked what I went for. When I told him, "I don't think you're ready for that conversation," he didn't pry.

I'm keeping my past quiet because not everyone needs to know that much about me. It's a bad reflection on me. I let those things happen. I let those things slide. I tolerated too much. And I don't know that I wouldn't tolerate it all again. I don't know that I wouldn't accept worse. I don't know what stupidity I'm capable of at this point.

I know there's a lot of self-loathing I've got to deal with. I've been trying to work on my self-esteem... I guess. I don't know that it hasn't always been this way. I've had bouts of confidence, but you've seen the people I date. You've seen what I think I deserve.

To end this on a good note though, I got a letter in the mail from Vanderbilt basically saying my medical debt has been forgiven. Can you fucking believe it? I owe them NOTHING now! Other than my job and the raise, this is definitely the best thing that has happened to me this year. That E.R. bill was stressing me out because I just couldn't afford it, but now I don't have to worry about it! When I found out, I was so happy I could cry. I told everyone I could about it. At least, all 5 people who even know that I had medical bills. I was feeling so lucky, I almost went out and bought a lottery ticket.


And as the dust falls down, I usually give up so easily
I let my head hang down before I even see a truth that's plain as day, staring back at me
I'm a defeatist but I don't have to be

Maybe I'll just sleep

I was in a rare good mood when I made that last post.

I'm still depressed.

Often.

It's 3am and I just woke up after going to bed at 8pm.

I had a dream that I was a character in a video game. Everything looked like real-life. I was on horseback and there was snow on the ground and I was communicating with whoever my "player" was. It was a lot like LoZ. I had a sword but also a bow/arrow. I was collecting gold rupees. I was mostly just trying to find my way home. Instead of a "map" I had GPS. I was going the wrong way and had to turn around. The snow was confusing me because I was in TN. I took pictures with my phone so I could send them to my "player." That person wasn't controlling me. I was only talking to him/her like I was on the phone. I was going through these trails in the woods and I heard/saw someone go up a tree. I knew it was a thief and I pulled out my bow and arrow to shoot him so he wouldn't follow me, but I missed. He climbed back down and, very cordially, asked to sleep with me. Said he was following for that reason. My view was third person at this point and my character was a man. I told him no, and he accepted the no.

I'm home alone til Tuesday and don't have tv/cable/internet. That's fine with me. I don't use those things much anymore anyway. My only two friends who live near me are out of the state/country. It's just me and Bear right now. I'm taking Bear to dad's house tomorrow to stay til Tuesday because I can't leave him alone in his crate for 13 hours while I'm at work. So it's just going to be me in this quiet empty house that isn't mine.

Maybe I'll get some writing done.

Maybe I'll just sleep.

2gud2b

Would things be easier if there was a right way? Honey, there is no right way.


I overthink until it's irrelevant. I thought these things mattered, but I haven't reached that point yet. It doesn't matter. Am I even enjoying myself? I thought I was. I had a little spark, but it didn't last long. Am I eating my time?

Am I wasting my time.

There's not much of this year left.

- - - -

I fell asleep last night while writing that.

This is who I am now. I wake up at 6am everyday, even on days off. I fall asleep on accident most nights out of sheer exhaustion. I don't know who I am anymore, but I don't hate it. I kinda like this new found morning person I've become.

I'm scared to say anything, but things may finally be looking up. I felt today that I may finally be becoming happy again. There are good things going on in my life. I'm back on good terms with my parents. I visit them on most of my days off now. I finally got that raise at work I've so desperately needed (and honestly extremely deserved). I've been seeing a cute boy who is actually very nice unlike the other ones I've dealt with lately. He's too cute though. Definitely too good to be true. I think the catch is that he's allergic to dogs. And the catch is also that I'm too hurt to believe he has any genuinely good intentions, which is why I'm still struggling to feel excited about him. I've never held back so much in my life for fear of any effort being wasted.


I am no longer capable of reading people. I am still very much afraid.

I've told him next to nothing about what has happened to me this year. I've told him very little about my past in general. I see no point. The less I talk about it, the less I think about it... the blurrier it gets. Still waiting to Eternal Sunshine so much of it.

What's important is that my family and finances are getting better.

Don't fall in love with the moment and think you're in love with the girl

I'm finding it hard to feel anything at all when I know I'd normally feel enamored.

Don't get me wrong, it's all very lovely. I appreciate the niceness, but I don't know if it's real.

I just captured a small moment that I'd like to remember in case it is.

The Unobtainable Object

Veterans Day has ruined my day for two days in a row. I keep seeing pictures of the scrum who ruined my life. I'd rather see his picture on Memorial Day.

I was never much of a hateful person, but I won't ever forgive him.


I woke up from a mundane dream, but one I actually remember for once. I was telling someone about the Unobtainable Object and how I had met it before. It had remained out of reach then and over time since then. It was something I had only briefly known over the years. Of course, it was a person.

I've had a lot to talk about, but I don't know if I should. I've forgotten who I've told about this place. Oh well.


I've been meeting people. I used to always meet men with a friend for obvious safety reasons. Lately, I've met them alone. I've regretted that and remembered why I shouldn't do it. Still, that doesn't stop me.

I was talking to one who I was super into. He turned out to be flaky and disappeared a lot
I never even met him. I've pretty much determined he's probably a heroin addict or pill fiend. The signs are there. Was definitely my usual type. I dodged a bullet with that one - FOR ONCE.

There's another one who I already know and have known for awhile. Very nice to me and genuinely caring. I've considered it... but for some reason don't want to pursue. It's too weird to me, I think.

So, this brings me to something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

The curse is broken.

I've lived with it for so long that I don't know what this means. I don't know where to go from here, and I'm honestly a bit lost. I'm scared of what happens next. The curse was a pattern that I had gotten used to, would roll my eyes at under all the stress.

All those prospects have dissipated on their own and have rejected ME.

All those four-letter names are now four-letter words.

I'm just still paralyzed from the hell I had to go through to get here. It's like that last one was the pressure that broke the seal. I don't know for sure if it's over, but it feels like it.

Everything that was is no more and doesn't need to be. I still think of what I've lost in the transition, but I do accept it.

I'm hoping this is a new beginning and not a new cycle. Maybe I'll capture the Unobtainable Object.