You are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.

I did see him again.

I've lost all interest. I don't care what he looks like. He's boring. He thinks he's smooth; they always do. He's still trying to get in so much life experience.

I've had enough life experience.

I don't really give a shit about him.

September 10, 2016

I hung out with a cute boy today. But that's all he's got going for him: He's cute.

I realized he's likely not for me.

I was excited to see him. I was a little nervous. I woke up in the middle of the night the other night and noticed I was scared. What if he turns out to be someone entirely different than he says he is? I've decided everything he says is absolute bullshit.

I'll probably see him again.

They Can't if You Don't Let Them

I need to not think about it. We all know how forgetful I am. I can do that shit on purpose too. I can erase memories completely.

I've always been a skeptic. I've always been slow to trust. I had made great strides in the last couple years to be more open and honest and trusting.

What a mistake.

I have to believe everyone has bad intentions. There's a motive under everything. I'll give them what they want, but I'll do it on my own terms. Yes, we are back to this. I won't be beaten down again.

I can't sit in this dark place. I won't.

So this new journey begins.

It's about to get real fucking cryptic.

Ten of Wands

Pisces (2/20-3/20) // Ten of Wands

Aug.9 - Sept. 4
The Ten of Wands is a symbol of all the hard work and effort that you’ve put in to get to where you are, Pisces. It is also a reminder that you can become even better when you ask for help and delegate tasks. It’s time to focus your energy on bigger responsibilities and ideas. Keep feelings of overwork at bay by carving out time for yourself this week.

I need to move on. I didn't come this far to stand still. I need to occupy my mind with as much as I can. Life has been stressful and it has really sucked and the stress very well could have been what landed me in the hospital, but it kept me going. I just need to keep moving.

I just miss something. I miss that sense of security. It was a false sense of security and I never want that one back, but I miss the feeling. I was struggling then as I am struggling now, but I was more content. Like I said, I don't want it back. But I'd like to reach that point again... eventually.

I'm still trying to get rid of my past, and I think I can be happy again once it's all gone. Erasing it is the closest thing to closure I'll ever get. Burning it is the only retribution I'll get.

I have my job. I'm working on getting certified for this second job. And I'm waiting to hear back from a third. The third, if I get it, will become my primary job. If I get it, I can quit worrying about money. I'm not banking on it though. I don't think I'm out of the water as far as luck goes. The job interview was lucky enough. I plan to have all three jobs for awhile if I can. I'll never have a day off again, but it's what I need.

I'm off work today, and I'm just trying to relax. All my other days off lately have been full of responsibilities, but this one is just for me. Maybe there's something to these tarotscopes.

Until then, I'm just trying to keep myself busy with little things. I try to hang out with people as much as possible. It's about the only thing I enjoy anymore.

It's just hard to be a human right now.

The Human Condition

Everyone is a liar.

I understand lying by not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, but how much damage does that really save? We're strong. We're resilient.

We'll get over it.

Everyone is a liar.

I've been in my own head too much lately. I've been alone a lot. I used to be able to do it, but it's not healthy anymore. I'm learning to be alone again. I need to just be alone.

I'm just waiting for my mind to let me be at peace when I'm alone. I don't know how long this will take.