Not a good day

I'm not in a good place emotionally today. I don't know why. Nothing sparked it. No trigger. I just can't stop thinking and feeling down about myself. I feel stupid. I feel used. It makes me want to throw up. It gives me a headache.

I'm honestly embarrassed about everything that has happened to me. How is it possible to have so much bad rain down on one person for so long?

All I do lately is sleep.

I see a house of lies built upon a foundation of sand

This is why he didn't want to see me. Although I was right, this is the biggest blow.

The Girl

What does it take?

I always find a way to let someone know if they've hurt me. I may not, and usually don't, say it when it happens. But I will find a way to bring it up eventually.

I have a shit memory. Everyone knows that. Everyone tells me that. I don't remember that time we did something, even though I was there. I don't remember this story you told me, probably several times. I'm sorry. But I do remember a specific thing you said, maybe just a sentence, a few months ago... a couple years ago. Even if it didn't strike a chord at the time. Even if it was totally mundane and ordinary. I remember it. As irrelevant as it may have been at the time, my brain pulls it out of the file when it becomes relevant. Something that you don't remember, but I remember it clearly and verbatim.

The smallest thing will make my mood plummet. And that's not due to recent events. I've always been this way.

It was the best time of my life, and now I sleep alone.

In unrelated news, Jonah is coming to town on Monday, I guess. I can't wait to get the car from him and be done with him. I want nothing to do with him ever again. I tried to remember the good in the relationship. And I can. I remember a lot of good times we had. But I don't think of them fondly. The bad outweighs the good by a landslide. The bad was so bad that it invalidated all of the good. It made absolutely none of it worth it. I truly feel like I've wasted almost a year of my life. It makes me feel sick.

I still can't believe someone I absolutely truly loved so much could do to me what he did to me. Someone who I thought loved me back in the same way.

My love for you was bulletproof, but you're the one who shot me.

At least I know I'm capable of loving someone wholeheartedly. Just not Jonah anymore. You can still love someone but not like them. In his case, I don't love him anymore. I can't love someone who could destroy me the way he did.

I'm finding it easier each day to forget him. I've got better things happening... I think. I'm too scared to get my hopes up. I know better.

Murphey's Law

I need benadryl. I have no trouble sleeping these days, I sleep all the time. I pass out unexpectedly more often than planned and wake up at weird times.

I just need a heavy, dreamless sleep.

A lot of things have happened that I haven't mentioned here. I'm not good at talking about things WHEN they happen. But I'll talk about this one because I'm still reeling from it.

I was pregnant when Jonah left me. I'm not anymore. I had a miscarriage last night and spent the night in the E.R.

My view of miscarriages based on movies and TV was very skewed. They make it seem like the woman wakes up in a pool of her own blood and it's over.

I didn't know how much it would hurt. It was absolutely my new 10. It was 15. I never cry from pain, but I cried a little before going to the E.R. I was temporarily paralyzed by the pain. I spent 7 hours in the hospital. Had to wear the gown, an IV port, and got my own room. It was the first time I had ever been hospitalized in my life. I've never had a broken bone or surgery. I've only ever been to the hospital to visit other people. It was all new to me. Michael drove me (I live with him now btw - maybe I should have mentioned that at some point). Sam came, too. I really appreciate the support from the people in my life.

If I didn't live with Michael, I probably would have driven myself and spent my time alone in the hospital. I haven't been telling people what's been going on with me. The miscarriage started 4 or so days ago, and I didn't tell anyone. It didn't seem so concerning until the day I went to the hospital. I was bleeding and in pain for all those days, but the day I decided it was an emergency was when the blood and pain got too intense.

Anyway, I went home at 3am with the diagnosis that I had fully miscarried.

I wasn't going to let it be, but apparently it wasn't meant to be anyway.

I still feel pain in waves, but it's manageable. OTC pain medicine is helping.

I've got a follow-up appointment with an OB doctor tomorrow, but other than that, it's pretty much over with. And soon I'll have better birth control, so it will be over with forever. After everything, if I could get permanently sterilized, I would... I'm just so tired.

I'm tired with life in general. I could really use a break.

Pisces - The Tower

"There is beauty in chaos, Pisces. Can you find it? Let yourself be shaken up. Allow yourself to let go for a moment. Trust that the pieces will fall back together the way they are supposed to. The time for change is now. You need it-- whether you asked for it or not. You can no longer be stagnant."