Murphey's Law

I need benadryl. I have no trouble sleeping these days, I sleep all the time. I pass out unexpectedly more often than planned and wake up at weird times.

I just need a heavy, dreamless sleep.

A lot of things have happened that I haven't mentioned here. I'm not good at talking about things WHEN they happen. But I'll talk about this one because I'm still reeling from it.

I was pregnant when Jonah left me. I'm not anymore. I had a miscarriage last night and spent the night in the E.R.

My view of miscarriages based on movies and TV was very skewed. They make it seem like the woman wakes up in a pool of her own blood and it's over.

I didn't know how much it would hurt. It was absolutely my new 10. It was 15. I never cry from pain, but I cried a little before going to the E.R. I was temporarily paralyzed by the pain. I spent 7 hours in the hospital. Had to wear the gown, an IV port, and got my own room. It was the first time I had ever been hospitalized in my life. I've never had a broken bone or surgery. I've only ever been to the hospital to visit other people. It was all new to me. Michael drove me (I live with him now btw - maybe I should have mentioned that at some point). Sam came, too. I really appreciate the support from the people in my life.

If I didn't live with Michael, I probably would have driven myself and spent my time alone in the hospital. I haven't been telling people what's been going on with me. The miscarriage started 4 or so days ago, and I didn't tell anyone. It didn't seem so concerning until the day I went to the hospital. I was bleeding and in pain for all those days, but the day I decided it was an emergency was when the blood and pain got too intense.

Anyway, I went home at 3am with the diagnosis that I had fully miscarried.

I wasn't going to let it be, but apparently it wasn't meant to be anyway.

I still feel pain in waves, but it's manageable. OTC pain medicine is helping.

I've got a follow-up appointment with an OB doctor tomorrow, but other than that, it's pretty much over with. And soon I'll have better birth control, so it will be over with forever. After everything, if I could get permanently sterilized, I would... I'm just so tired.

I'm tired with life in general. I could really use a break.