I've never been so hurt in my entire life. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own.

It's been two weeks since he has been gone. It feels like it has been a year.

I'm coping by realizing what kind of person he really is. He was manipulative and selfish. Everything he ever did only benefited him. He used people for his own gain. He used me.

He may have loved me. I'll never know.

All I know for sure is that he didn't care about me in the end. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I truly believe I didn't matter to him. I truly believe I don't matter him. He told me he still loved me. He told me he loved me more than anything. He told me I was stuck with him and that he would never leave me and that I would never be able to get rid of him.

"Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see."

He told me a lot of things; however, he showed me differently. He was nothing but a liar.

I feel dumb. I always feel dumb. I believed so much.

I've realized that he is a bad person. I don't want to go into details about his shitty cult and how he apparently devoted his life to it but never followed any of the rules. But it all just seems like he wants to get high. He wants to hallucinate. Somehow the "church" got him to believe his hallucinations have meaning.

I'm bitter and resentful. But most of all I feel disappointed and let down. I've never been so let down.

- - -

I've been hanging out with Sam a lot lately. And I'm sure he'll read this. I've been thinking about the situation a lot lately. I'm not happy. I'm not going to be happy for a long time. And that's just life. I really, really like Sam. I always have. Sam is extremely attractive. More attractive than anyone I've ever dated. And I like that we can talk about anything. Actually hold a conversation. I feel like this was a long time coming. It seems we both had to make a huge mistake after each other to come back to each other.

And I'm not unhappy because of anything that has to do with Sam. I'm just unhappy in general because my life is in shambles. More so now than it has ever been before. So I'm not happy. I'm not sad anymore either. I'm angry. I'm so fucking angry. Sam makes me feel better though. I want him to know that.

Gone

He's gone and I'm not handling it well. I'm not handling it much at all. I never expected any of this. I can't handle being alone. All I do is cry. If I'm around people, I just want to be alone. But when I'm alone, it's the last thing I want.

A lot of new information has me more on the fence than ever.

I'm especially miserable tonight.

Jonah is in Texas for the weekend. The WHOLE weekend. He's not coming back til Monday night. I know he's getting some quality time in with The Girl. He hasn't been texting me all day. Yet he can use his phone to listen to songs on Spotify with lyrics like this:

" I know it (I have a feeling)
Something tells me that tonight
That I’m going to make you mine
Just tell me when and where (you tell me)
I want to please you


Something tells me that tonight
That I’m going to make you mine
Just tell me when and where
I want to please you"

I know I'm reading too far into it, but I 100% don't trust him anymore. And I feel like absolute shit.

I realized I'm not ready to be alone.

Usually I have time to prepare for things like this. I was unprepared this time.

I feel like he has already moved on and is just being nice to me so he doesn't have to feel guilty. I wish he felt guilty. I don't think he feels any kind of remorse. He talks about both of us getting in new relationships, which means he has been thinking about it. He said some dumb bullshit about how I've set some standard for his next relationship. He said he worries about me because he's worried I'll "find comfort in the arms of some douchebag." Well, some douchebag would be better than someone who I invest ALL of my time and emotions into only to leave me when things are going well. Bring on all the douchebags.

I've been hanging out with Sam the last couple days after work. It's been nice to reconnect. Yesterday, Sam, Meyer, and I hung out at the park. Then we had Waffle House. Then we got our palms read, which was fun, but the lady didn't even try. It was a fun day though! Hanging out with people has been somewhat keeping my mind off things. I was close to going out tonight, but I haven't been sleeping much lately.

Besides, I need to be prepared.

I'm not going to sit here and suffer until Jonah leaves me. I'm moving out as soon as I can. This weekend was the perfect opportunity to do so, except that I had to work all weekend. I was going to just move out entirely and let Jonah come home to a vacant apartment. It would have made me feel better to do that to him to be honest. So I'm pretty upset that I have to actually be here when he comes home. I hate that he can have everything. I want him to be alone for making me be alone.