Keep my heart somewhere drugs don't go

I think if you feel the need to reach out to an ex-significant other while you are in a relationship, you feel something is missing in your current relationship. I think I've made it a point to reconnect with exes when I wasn't single because I was unhappy in my situation in some way either consciously or subconsciously.

Furthermore, I've never understood why people who do drugs, especially hard drugs, choose to remain with me. They know I hate it and will give them a very, very hard time about it, so they begin to hide it from me. Jonah said it himself the other day: What's the point of doing something if you have to hide it? It takes all the fun out of it. Of course, he was referring to our roommate, whom we suspect has been shooting up in the bathroom. But it's a bit hypocritical of him to have said that due to recent events.

Our former roommate called me and asked me if Jonah had gotten some coke over the weekend because he had heard that he did. I told him I had no idea (because I thought he had done molly behind my back, not coke, but bother are unacceptable). The roommate later texted me with "Lol he's not." I replied: "He's not what?" And the roommate said, "Doing 8 balls left and right." I replied with a sarcastic "Sure he's not" hoping the sarcastic sentiment gets back to him. I want him to know that I know he's doing things behind my back and that I don't approve. I WILL leave over drugs. I've done it before.

I will not be moved.

I hate that I'm suspicious of everything. It's the beginning of all distrust. A downfall. I feel like everything is a lie because I've been here before. I've done this before. I hate that I don't believe most the things he tells me, even the "I love you's." I want to say that I know he loves me because up until recently I was sure of it. But I wonder if his faith is shaken.... because mine sure is.

I'm still mostly happy in this relationship. It's still going very well. It's just that these things that bother me are getting buried deeper and deeper and will likely manifest as resentment. That's how these things work. I continue to tell myself not to let it bother me because Jonah seems to respect me (despite hiding things...) and treats me well. We're six months into this journey, and it's going much better than previous relationships were at this point if they even made it to this point. I can only hope it lasts as long as we plan it to, but we'll have to get past a hard talk one of these days. Knowing me it may not be anytime soon.

That's what's going on

Jonah is still in love with his ex. I don't know how someone could still love a former junkie who ran around on them, but he does. He hasn't told me that; I just know. He finally told me he had been talking to her, which I already knew. When he brought it up, he said, "She actually texted me last night" trying to imply that she contacted him first that night. I called him out and said, "She was the one you were talking to in the car last week when I was driving and asking you for directions, but you weren't listening to me." He was too absorbed in his conversation with her. That night in the car he said he was talking to an "old friend who he hadn't spoken to in awhile." But when I glanced over, I saw her name at the top of the screen. I'm not dumb. I know her name.

So, I hate that they talk. I'm not going to bitch at him about it because I talk to Max sometimes. The difference is, I don't love Max. He'd die if he read this, but I've told him to his face multiple times that I don't love him. Those feelings will never come back. I don't have a lot of good things to say about Max. I really only talk to him about music these days because the one things we did have in common was a passion for music, and he knows and shares an interest in a lot of the music I listen to.

I've said it before: I don't speak with P or N or even Jack or Eric. And if I do, it's almost always THEM checking up on ME, and it's always small talk.

I know Jonah still loves his ex. He's been talking about her lately... says she's a "good person." He told me he would never hang out with her without me there but that I'd probably meet her sometime.

Why?

I don't want to meet her. If I have to meet her, I'm going to make him meet one of my exes. Except that I don't want to be around my own exes either.

That's what has put me in the mood I've been in lately. Jonah and I have gotten into a few unrelated arguments, but I'm sure they have stemmed from my bad mood and inability to talk about it...

What bothers me the most is that he is hiding things from me. And now that I know he is hiding things from me, I have to dig deeper. I'm not ashamed of snooping because if you have to hide things from me, you are being dishonest. I don't deserve that, okay? I know I don't. And I'm going to do everything in my power to stay in the know to keep this from hurting more when it all comes out in the open. I know I'm wrong for delving, but I'm only protecting myself.

But not to worry: I'm a firm believer in working things out, despite things never having worked out in the past.

sick sick sick

Dude, I can't handle this.

And I'm NOT going to talk about it.

I don't talk to any of my exes at all anymore. I don't talk to Jack. I don't talk to Eric. I don't talk to anyone I've ever slept with or had feelings for except one person kinda... and that one is because I value how natural the friendship is... or was.

I do talk to Max on occasion about music. But I harbor absolutely no feelings for him and haven't for a couple years now.

It's the transparency thing.

Fucking honesty.

I hide nothing. My phone doesn't have a lock screen. I delete zero messages. I'm logged into facebook on multiple devices.

I delete zero messages. .

Why am I not extended the same transparency? ):

Just gonna sleep for now

I cut everyone out of my life for Jonah. Not because he told me to or wanted me to. I made sure all my loose ends were cut off before I got seriously involved with him. He doesn't know. He doesn't know about hardly anyone from mypast. I did for him, but I did it alone. I did it so I could have a pure relationship. No secrets. 100% honesty.I had a lot to hide before I met Jonah. I hid it from those who came before him. Except Sam (if you read this - you are Sam. You'll know I'm talking about you because you are the only person I have told about this place in the last year - Sam knows everything).

I've been nothing but transparent.

That said, I don't feel like he is doing the same for me. I don't want to go into detail. But I've never felt the need for a Plan B until now. We have a place together. We share finances. He talks of his future with me in it. But this little thing happened today and I feel sick to my stomach.

Bad day

It's not paradise. The problems are there. Today hasn't been the best.

Jonah got mad at me because I still had an OKC account, despite it being inactive. He would have never known if I didn't say anything about it. And all I said was that I was going to use it to creep a girl that a friend is dating. He didn't care (or didn't believe me) that I told him my account says I'm in a relationship and that I deleted everything on it and wrote, "I don't use this site anymore." No, he was legitimately mad that it existed at all.

I deleted it. It was really no loss to me since I didn't use it anymore and didn't give a shit about it. What ruined the rest of my day was the fact that he apparently doesn't trust me and made such a big deal out of it.

Once my mood is ruined, that's it for the rest of the day. I will go to bed upset. I may even wake up upset.

So, I was already in my shitty mood and then my dog got in trouble as puppies are wont to do, but all these issues with the dogs came back, and I just really feel like as long as there are dogs around that aren't Jonah's "perfect little angel," there will never be peace.