You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you what you get: You get away from me.
You get away from me.
I've given up on trying to go to bed at a decent hour. I had a really fun time tonight. I hung out with Jonah and Nikki, and it was a nice change of scenery and great to hang out with good people. Jonah and I got food first then we met up with Nikki and all went to a karaoke bar. I, of course, didn't sing but had fun nonetheless.
Now let's talk about things that are not so nice and don't make me feel warm OR fuzzy inside.
I came across this the other day. Read it first before I explain it:
I won't say who wrote, but I will say they wrote it about me. I've done all I can to get away, and at this point, this person can only help himself to get over me. I try not to have regrets, but I wish I had never let this happen. So, I guess that constitutes as regret. I'd feel horrible saying I wish I never met this person, but I really wish I never let this person so close; it wasn't worth it.
And then there's this by an entirely different person:
If you ever thought there was anything there, I hope this explains why there is not.
If people would quit talking to me like this, I would quit being so bitter. How is this supposed to make me feel? It doesn't matter; that's not the point.
I'm happier without these kinds of people in my life. I'm hyperaware of this behavior now, and it's shit. I'm not taking this shit from people anymore. No, men—fucking men.
I don't want to go off on a feminist tirade, but it is objectification and demeaning and pathetic.
Michelle came over on Friday and hung out with me. We got Michael and my friend from high school Jesse to come over. We played Cards Against Humanity, which is, honestly, starting to get a little old, but it was fun because my mom was listening in and kept loling at the answers. We invited her to play with us, but she said she was too tired. My 7-year-old niece hung out too but we didn't let her play Cards with us.
On Saturday, Michelle and I went to my dad's and played with the pups. I felt really good about leaving them that day because they were SO TIRED from playing that they didn't even come out of the dog house when I was telling them bye. They just wanted to rest. When went back to my mom's house and I took a shower and cleaned the house. Michelle hung out until I left at 6pm to head to a show.
Before the show, Eric messaged me on Facebook asking if I knew the setlist because he was "trying to decide if [he] wanted to go." I knew he was really just gauging whether I was going or not. I replied with, "I dunno. I looked it up a couple weeks ago. Seemed like a lot of new songs." I was intentionally not giving any indication as to whether or not I was going at all. He then proceeded to ask if I wanted to go with him. I never replied. It wouldn't be the end of the world if I ran into him there, but I didn't want to go with him. I just can't hang out with someone like him. He's still so wrapped up in me, and I'm trying my damnedest to get him over that. I really don't think there's much else I could do other than directly telling him to leave me alone, and I can't be that cruel to someone who wasn't first cruel to me.
Anyway, I already had my plans, and I wouldn't have changed them that last minute regardless.
So, I saw Lydia last night! It was the second time I've seen them, and they put on a hell of a show! I was so close to the stage too. It was such a good night. I met them and everything! They were super nice dudes.
They ended their encore with the song Assailants, and it was perfect. It was all so perfect! It's a song that hits very close for me, especially lately.
Since Mom and Ron went camping that night, I came home to an empty house and passed out around 4:30 in the morning. You know, typical. I was alone all day today and it was relaxing.
I guess I'm getting sushi with Mecha tomorrow. He wants me to drive, and I don't know about that. I drove Michelle around this weekend, and that was fine because I took back roads where there is no traffic. But I'm not so comfortable driving in heavy traffic yet (even though I've done it a few times). Not to mention I have $6 in the bank and gas is now an expense that I have to consciously consider... We'll see.
All that I say
You take as holy
Now the world is watching
You've been waiting for words to take in
Now it's the world watching
I can't seem to kill my assailants
They keep changing faces
Can I be honest, sing you a sonnet
You're not the world baby
Where I'm going, I'll speak it slow
And all of this world; you're with me
I must be sleeping it all off
Just like you had promised
I can't seem to kill my assailants
No, they're changing faces
And you're not the world baby
I'll be fine come morning
I will be sleeping it all off
Just like you promised
It's 4am, and as I lay in bed awake (as I tend to do at 4am), I think I realized why I've been feeling so sick. I was hungover on Saturday, so I felt sick from that, yes, but Sunday I felt fine... Until late at night when I started feeling miserable.
The only conclusion I can come up with is that it's withdrawals from the sleeping pills. So, I looked it up. Tolerance isn't likely with the medication, but some long-term users experiment withdrawals when they decided to quit. The few accounts I read about state feeling sick 48 hours after their last dose. Though they suffered much worse than I have (nausea, vomiting, hot flashes, etc--mine is mostly nausea and headaches... Maybe hot flashes?*), a lot of it is the same. I've been taking the stupid pills every single night for a good two weeks. I didn't take them on Saturday because of how sick I was feeling. Then by Sunday night around 10pm (almost exactly 48 hours after my last dose), I suddenly fell extremely ill. And sure to how sick I've been feeling, I haven't taken anymore sleeping pills since last week.
Of course this could all be not the case at all. I am, however, still feeling fairly miserable as I write this... From my phone**... At 4 o' clock in the morning... As I lie in bed in the dark.
*Some days I feel like I can't regulate my body temperature anyway--going from shivering cold to uncomfortably warm back and forth... Forever (I'm gonna lol at that reference I just tacked on at the end when I read this post again down the line).
**I wrote this from my phone... Using Swype, which means it likely guessed wrongly a lot of the words I was trying to type, and I probably didn't catch the missiles.†
...
I have too much unnecessary anxiety. I had plans to hangout with different friends both yesterday and today. Yesterday I canceled just because... I just didn't feel like putting on a face. It's not depression... it's just exhausting. I chose to hang out at my dad's house instead with him and my brothers. And the dogs! I did a lot of driving yesterday and then I did a lot of physical work taking care of the dogs and cleaning their kennel. I'm sore today.
Last night I got really sick. I don't know why, but I felt nauseated beyond belief. I eventually managed to fall asleep (before midnight for once), but I woke up a lot throughout the night. I don't think it would have been worth mentioning except I still feel like shit today. Mecha and I usually get sushi on Mondays, but I canceled today because of how shitty I feel.
On an unrelated note, I hate when people think I don't have a life outside of them. I got a FB invite to a Halloween party that I wasn't planning on attending. Then I got a message: "Are you coming to the party?" First of all, it's over a month from now. The best response would be "Fuck if I know." But I was nice and said, "I don't know yet." What pissed me off was the response I got: "What else would you be doing?"
It may seem like a harmless question, but because of WHO is saying it, it's infuriating. I wasn't going to go anyway because I don't want to see any of the people who I know will be there, but that reply ensured a definite no.
What else would I be doing? Anything I do that night will be far better.
